Big Money's Review

Crisis On Infinite Earths: A Page-By-Page Commentary Pt. 2

2009-12-26T21:43:00.003-09:00

Welcome. You know the deal...We're talkin' muthafuckin' CRISIS!!! On with the show!

CRISIS ON INFINITE EARTHS #2 by Marv Wolfman, George Perez, & Dick Giordano

CHAPTER TWO, PAGE ONE: We open the second issue at "The Dawn Of Man", where we're introduced to Anthro the caveman. Naturally, you're probably as confused as I am to be seeing a caveman here, especially when #1 ended with Monitor's reveal. Don't worry, it almost begins to make sense soon. Anthro jumps off a cliff and onto the back of a woolly mammoth, which Anthro refers to as a "serpent-nose". This is one of those times I wish I could smack Wolfman in the back of the head, because having to read a goofy caveman utter the words "serpent-nose" repeatedly makes me long for a Harbinger/Arion mini-series.

CHAPTER TWO, PAGE TWO: Anthro is apparently trying to steer this pack of stampeding mammoths (FUCK calling them that other name) away from his villiage, which is full of people that are either too dumb or stubborn to move, or they really, really want to see what happens next. Anthro's pregnant wife and father-in-law make comments both in favor of and against Anthro's plan (guess who's who), when ultimately Anthro indeed saves the day with seconds to spare. The caveman gloats to himself, all the while hoping his wife gives birth to a mighty boy, and not--*shudder*--a girl (that's almost exactly how they write it, folks). Embra, Anthro's wife, cheers him on while the doofus stops looking where he's going...

CHAPTER TWO, PAGE THREE: ...And promptly smacks his face into a tree branch. Anthro tries to cover it by claiming a big snake attacked him when he wasn't looking, only to gather his thoughts and see a giant, futuristic City in the middle of the forest. He runs back to the villiage and makes everyone come with him to see the City, only it's not there when they return. Embra thinks Anthro just hit his head too hard, and he quickly changes the subject back to the celebration in his honor. Meanwhile, a young caveboy wonders just where the hell the mammoths went...

CHAPTER TWO, PAGE FOUR: Back to the 30th Century, where The Legion of Superheroes searches for their missing teammate, Dawnstar. I know the LSH are immensely popular with the internet blogging types, but that's one DC property I'm too scared to try. Why? Because throughout DC's already-convoluted history, the Legion has been rebooted, re-written, killed, ressurrected, etc. more times than any other franchise I can think of. They're a team that exists in the future, and depending on who's writing the book at the time, this future is either an alternate reality or the definitive future of the DC Universe. Adding to the confusion is a roster that includes literally dozens of members, each with their own backstories that have been fucked with by DC Editorial over the years, and you've got one hell of a mess that I'd be shocked to see ANY brand-new fan willingly pick-up and devour. But the point is, as far as CoIE is concerned, the LSH appear to be the definitive future of Earth-1. Sorry about the rant, but now you'll know why I probably won't be going into any in-depth descriptions of any particular Legionnaire, besides of course Brainiac-5 who I understand completely: he's the descendant of the first Brainiac who is one of Superman's greatest villains, only THIS one is a good-guy. Simple enough. So anyway, a handful of LSH members look for Dawnstar, but are distracted when a pack of woolly mammoths suddenly appear in Plaza Square (remember them?), causing panic and mayhem. Police prepare to shoot the prehistoric beasts...

CHAPTER TWO, PAGE FIVE: ...But The Legion intervene! The LSH heard the mammoths towards Colossal Boy (he grows big), who's planning on scooping them up in his huge hands, boy instead the mammoths disappear into thin-air. The Legion are naturally perplexed. You know, I will give The Legion of Superheroes this: Their costume/character designs are almost always great. Wildfire, Chameleon Boy, and Lightning Lass in particular stand-out, and Phantom Girl looks like a hot 70's disco dancer, which there's absolutely nothing wrong with. There, I officially named everyone on the page. Any LSH fans reading this should be happy and move-along.

CHAPTER TWO, PAGE SIX: Brainiac-5 tells his teammates that there's a SUPER SERIAL PROBLEM now, because apparently the Anti-Matter Wave exists in the future too, and it's heading towards the 30th Century Earth! Cut back to the Present (July, 1985) where we find a mansion, which we're told belongs to Millionaire Harold J. Standish...or rather, his heirs. Why his heirs? Because HELL YES, The Joker killed his ass, that's why! The Clown Prince of Crime stands triumphant over Standish, who apparently owned the Copyrights on some silent comedy films Joker wanted for himself. Before he can get enough few paragraphs of dialogue out, Joker is interrupted by THE GODDAMNED BATMAN, who smashes through a window and simultaniously talks shit! This is how awesome Batman is, ladies and gents; he can both make a dramatic entrance and dress you down at the same. Damn. Time. Oh, and apparently he also solved one of Joker's "brilliant" clues to find him, too. I'll bet Alfred did it on the shitter just for kicks while Batman was fucking twin blond super-models and gut-punching Killer Croc. What, the dead Millionaire? Batman had to have a REASON to beat the shit out of Joker, silly. He doesn't do it for FUN, he does it for JUSTICE. Sometimes people just gotta die.

CHAPTER TWO, PAGE SEVEN: This will be continued...

Crisis On Infinite Earths: A Page-By-Page Commentary Pt. 1

2009-12-26T12:50:00.006-09:00

Welcome to what will surely become the most ambitious, and therefore ultimately unfinished (probably), thing I've done for BMR yet. I spoke a little bit about DC's "Crisis On Infinite Earths" in my DC write-up, but I wanted to go a bit more in-depth with the book itself, because it's so all-encompassing and vast it could sure use a guide or two for outsiders to follow along with. What I hope, is that new fans to DC's wacky Universe may come across this commentary one day, and follow along with it as they read a copy of CoIE. Of course, I'm sure that's a pipe-dream if there ever was one, but hey...stranger things have happened! So without further ado...

CRISIS ON INFINITE EARTHS #1 by Marv Wolfman, George Perez, & Dick Giordano

CHAPTER ONE, PAGE ONE: The very first page of CoIE reveals the birth of the "Multiverse", basically a million alternate versions of the same Universe exist at the same time, just on different vibrational frequencies. This is shown as a bunch of planet Earths bursting-out of a single light in an otherwise-dark Infinitude (their word, not mine).

CHAPTER ONE, PAGE TWO & THREE: We're shown panic in the streets on one of the many Earths, with a blanket of white energy absorbs everything in sight. We're also introduced to Pariah, a guy with purple hair and a green robe that cries a lot and reveals it's his curse to observe the "...death-rattle of the Multiverse", and as he sort of attempts to save a boy (he really just wants to die along with him), Pariah cries some more about having already seen hundreds of Earths die before, and disappears again to witness another.

CHAPTER ONE, PAGE FOUR: Finally, some Superheroes! Wait...nevermind. Earth-3 is shown now, which is home to The Crime Syndicate Of America, evil and twisted versions of The Justice League Of America. Power Ring (Green Lantern) and Ultraman (Superman) are busy trying to plug-up volcanos in put out fires, repeatedly stating that with all their powers, they're basically helpless against the end of the world. What I always found odd about Power Ring, is that his logo is just some weird "X"-symbol, probably because putting an actual picture of a ring on his chest wouldn't go over well with his buddies, or they'd wonder what the "O" stood for. Still, he was a tad early to capitalize on the X-Men craze of the 90's, so who the hell knows?

CHAPTER ONE, PAGE FIVE: Owlman (Batman) and Johnny Quick (The Flash) are next, also whining about how helpless they are, and the fact that they've used their powers to make themselves Masters of Earth, but ironically now can't use them to save their own lives. The only real change separating Owlman from Batman, is that Owlie wears a silly-looking owl mask, which doesn't even cover his face. He looks like the sad mascott of some high school sports team. Alexander Luthor, who on this Earth is the only Superhero, flies around and witnesses the carnage, also discovering Super-Woman (Wonder Woman) propping-up a wall seconds before the white energy (revealed here as Anti-Matter) swallows her.

CHAPTER ONE, PAGE SIX: Luthor laments the death of his foe, before deciding to fly home to be with his wife, Lois (Lane) Luthor. They cry a bit more, specifically about how their infant son (whose name isn't mentioned) will die without ever knowing life. In a familiar development, the scientist and his wife have a plan for the kid!

CHAPTER ONE, PAGE SEVEN: Johnny Quick and Owlman die while the Luthors load their boy into an experimental space-capsule that Alexander apparently started building as soon as he discovered the existance of the Multiverse (they used to cross-over all the time pre-Crisis). Naturally, the capsule is only big enough for one person, specifially, one infant person. That's some great forward-thinking, Lex. Pariah also appears to see Earth-3 perish, and gets accused by Power Ring and Ultraman for causing the destruction. After explaining that he's just a witness who can only cry about it...

CHAPTER ONE, PAGE EIGHT: ...Ultraman shrugs his shoulders and flies into the Anti-Matter, claiming to fight to the bitter end. Quite frankly, it seems to me he committed suicide before he could be killed outright, but you can't really blame the guy for trying to cover it up by acting heroic. Power Ring's last act alive is to whine about being left alone, and then Earth-3 vanishes, seconds after Baby Luthor jettisons away. For the record, the word "love" is said four times on this one page, three of them uttered by Alexander Luthor. All this makes me want, is for Clancy Brown's badass Lex Luthor to break into the scene, and ruthlessly beat his goodie-goodie counterpart with a piece of wood. Yes.

CHAPTER ONE, PAGE NINE: Baby Luthor's space-capsule breaks into the Universe of Earth-1 (that's us...I guess), and reaches its destination of the JLA's Sattellite HQ. Problem is, the Justice League kind of abaondoned the Sattellite a few years before this, so Baby Luthor is stranded up there by himself. Ol' Alexander probably should have updated his mailing list more frequently.

CHAPTER ONE, PAGE TEN & ELEVEN: An ominous voice belonging to The Monitor speaks to a young blond woman named Lyla about the oncoming Crisis, explaining that their hope lies within both Superheroes and Villains. Monitor tells Lyla to "energize" while he retrieves Baby Luthor, and she bitches about her being Monitor's equal and that she'll do his work but not be his slave. Knowing what I know now, this comment seems strange and throw-away, like the creators quickly tried to force that concept down the reader's throat. "Now, before you get the wrong idea from two ominous sentances on one page, Lyla is NOT Monitor's slave-girl! She's strong and they're equals! Move along..." You'll see what I mean pretty quick...

CHAPTER ONE, PAGE TWELVE: We're shown Lyla's heavy-worded transformation into Harbinger, when she dives into some massive pit of swirling energy within Monitor's base. I have kind of a problem with the storytelling here, as everything has to be explained, detail-by-detail, in text boxes. They even name the character in text boxes. I don't like it when the characters I'm supposed to be following are so damn vague about their intentions and actions, the writers have to fill-in the gaps like it was a "Dick And Jane" book. Without the boxes, we'd have seen Monitor demand Lyla do something he referred to as ENERGIZE, and then watch her proceed down a mysterious tunnel filled with light, and then she explodes. But thanks to the text boxes, we know her name is now Harbinger, "And she fears what may come next". Gee, thanks text boxes! Oh, and before all THAT happens, Lyla wonders to herself if Monitor understands the risks in asking her to energize. How the HELL is the reader supposed to get that Monitor is asking Lyla to do something risky, when we have no goddamn clue what he's asking her to do?!

CHAPTER ONE, PAGE THIRTEEN: Monitor watches Harbinger rocket into space in her new super-powered form, all the while monologuing about how he's observed the Multiverse for months, and then second-guessing himself when thinking about the future. Ah, but screw it...the future will happen how it happens, Monitor can only help things along. Well, yeah! Every action you take decides the future! Thanks for clarifying! Monitor declares he NEEDS Baby Luthor, NOW! Cut to Gorilla City, which is a City inhabited by technologically-advanced primates hidden behind an invisible force-field (because...DC Comics, that's why). Here, we meet King Solovar, who is a gorilla with a white beard that wears nothing but a Dr. Strange cape. Meet my new favorite character in CoIE so far. Solovar is proceeding over the trial of an ape named Koris, who murdered a citizen, but Solovar is a kind ruler so the murder-monkey more or less gets off with a warning. Why? Because Solovar's got more important shit to think about, that's why!

CHAPTER ONE, PAGE FOURTEEN: King Solovar ponders why us humans aren't doing anything about the impending Crisis, when suddenly Harbinger shows-up in her new, Futuristic-by-way-of-1985 costume, complete with one side-boob showing and a metal garter-belt and garters...but she's not wearing stockings. Harbinger tells Solovar to come with her, but The King naturally freaks-out and promptly faints after his hand passes-through her. Gorilla Guards (who should have their own comic) try to shoot the hell out of Harbinger, who chastises them for shooting first before asking questions, comparing their actions to that of humans. Oh, how incredibly meta of you, Harbinger. What the fuck did she expect? Some space-stripper busts into the King's private chambers and renders him unconscious, a space-stripper that belongs to the very race the entire City is HIDING FROM no less, and she expected the armed guards sworn to protect said-King at all costs to what...Ask her nicely to surrender while she was in the middle of pulling a disappearing act? I can appreciate meta-comments when they're appropriate, but here it sounds forced and when put into context, makes Harbinger sound ridiculous. Which I suppose is part of her entire purpose, anyway. You'll see...

CHAPTER ONE, PAGE FIFTEEN: We're now taken to Metropolis in the 30th Century, which is home to The Legion Of Superheroes. Dawnstar is introduced first, who appears to be a Native American woman with giant bird wings. I'm glad that even in the 30th Century, there are still places for Superheroes with completely-useless powers as far as fighting evil is concerned. Dawnstar hears a strange female voice in her head, so she follows it into a rough part of town called Suicide Slum, which she usually avoids because it's aweful. So of course the best reason for going there for the first time, alone, is to follow a mysterious voice that you can only hear in your head. Good lord.

CHAPTER ONE, PAGE SIXTEEN: Arriving at some shithole, Dawnstar keeps following the trail until reaching a locked door, where FINALLY she second-guesses herself...for about two seconds, and then surprise! Harbinger grabs her through the door and they disappear together. So walking around the worst part of town wearing a revealing yellow bikini just randomly following voices in your head didn't work our for you, huh Dawnstar? Wow. Oh, and we then go BACKWARDS through time to 1942, which is also on Earth-2. Get it? Good. We meet a couple women at a Bond Rally, where the one named Danette lights a stove with her super-powers, revealing herself to be the Superhero, Firebrand.

CHAPTER ONE, PAGE SEVENTEEN: Harbinger arrives, freezes time, forces Danette to change into her Firebrand costume, a "Wizard Of Oz" joke is made, and they vanish together after Firebrand explains she trusts Harbinger, even though she doesn't know why. This time, after Harbinger and her charge disappear, a mysterious shadow-figure is revealed to be watching them, and laughs about it. Now we travel back to modern times and presumably a different Earth, but that's never stated on the page. Police are surrounding a building where there's a hostage situation in progress...

CHAPTER ONE, PAGE EIGHTEEN: Armed men threaten a captive woman on the roof, when suddenly The Blue Beetle (Ted Kord) enters the fray! YES!!! Finally someone besides a goddamn cape-wearing gorilla I can cheer for! Beetle kicks the crap out of the criminals, and even saves one of their lives when he accidentally kicks one of them off the roof. When I read this originally, I swear to you, I was half-asleep until Blue Beetle showed-up, a character I had only minimal visual contact with. I don't think I even knew his name. But after finally seeing some real Superhero action in this book after sixteen pages, even though it lasts all of nine panels, I was hooked. Blue Beetle saved CoIE for me, and I became a life-long fan to boot.

CHAPTER ONE, PAGE NINETEEN: While BB dangles a criminal from the roof (thought Batman was the only one?), Harbinger shows-up and demands the usual: "Come with me if you want to live". OK, she didn't say that...Beetle agrees, his reasoning being "Why not? It's a LOUSY night for TV anyway!", which translates to "Goddamn but you're not wearing hardly any clothes! You betcha I'm free! Can we stop by an ATM first?" At least he wasn't as dumb about it as Dawnstar, who basically fell into a Rape-Trap because she heard a voice in her head. We're now transported back in time AGAIN, this time 45,000 years in the past, during the Ice Age. Harbinger flies around wondering where someone named Arion is, when the laughing shadow-thing from before jumps into her body and possesses Harbinger! Her eyes go all black and she has an evil smile on her face, just in case you didn't get what happened.

CHAPTER ONE, PAGE TWENTY: Cut to Present-day Earth-2, where we see inside an unnamed Mental Institution. There, Harbinger has appeared and is speaking with Roger Hayden, AKA The Psycho Pirate. Hayden has been driven insane by his own emotion-controlling powers, and wants no part in Harbinger's scheme...

CHAPTER ONE, PAGE TWENTY-ONE: ...However, she manifests the Medusa Mask, which apparently helps Psycho Pirate relax (and harness his powers), and they disappear in a flash of light. Harbinger's tendency to repeat herself reaches a horrible new level here, where she says to Roger Hayden he's "Needed" three times during one conversation, and also tells him she has what HE needs. There is a lot of needyness going on 'round here. Now we're back 45,000 years in the past, and we finally meet Arion, High Mage and Lord of Atlantis. So he's related to Aquaman? Arion wanders around the slopes of ice, even walking past a frozen mammoth, thinking to himself about some weird energy he feels building-up, which also makes him more powerful. He makes an ice-bridge with a magic spell. I have to mention, Arion bores me to death every time he shows-up, and I'm not ruining anything when I tell you this is the only book I've EVER seen him in, or mentioned. That must mean he has even less fans than Streaky The Super-Horse, because THAT fucker has at least appeared in the last ten years. Arion, High Boring, Bored of Bore-Lantis? Nothin'.

CHAPTER ONE, PAGE TWENTY-TWO: Arion talks about his duties and how comfortable he is around ice. Probably because staring at ice is just as fun as reading Arion's dialogue. Harbinger shows-up and immediately Arion considers her appearance threatening, but while he's busy having an inner-monologue about how awesome he is, Harbinger just destroys his ice-bridge. Then, Arion proves to be the LEAST EFFECTIVE SORCEROR EVER by not being able to, you know, float or hover or levitate or SOMETHING that even goddamn Mickey Mouse in "Phantasia" would've been able to figure out in the time Arion takes to just fall down a chasm. He even says point-blank he can't conjure a spell of levitation. Why, because it might actually come in handy? You can creat an ice-bridge in two seconds flat, but hovering in place to save your life? Arion fails. In theory, a strong gust of wind could have blown him off that bridge, and he'd simply fall to his death. God I hate Arion. Anyway, Harbinger saves him of course (at the last possible moment, it says) and they went bye-bye together. Can you tell I'm getting tired of writing "disappeared" and "vanished"? My thesaurus is broken...

CHAPTER ONE, PAGE TWENTY-THREE: Back to Earth-1, and we're shown Firestorm, The Nuclear Man! Firestorm, under orders from a mysterious woman (gee, who?), melts through the wall of a prison where he find his arch-nemesis, Killer Frost. He melts the special ice-bars and wakes the captive Frost, who first questions Firestorm but quickly attacks him.

CHAPTER ONE, PAGE TWENTY-FOUR: Firestorm easily transforms Killer Frost's icicle-missles into flowers, because...he can pretty much do whatever he wants. Harbinger and Psycho Pirate arrive, and Pirate uses his emotion powers to make Killer Frost fall in love with Firestorm. Frost lights-up and kisses Firestorm, who wants none of her since she's more or less a living ice cube. I shudder to think about the whole "sticking your tongue to a frozen surface" physics in this scenario, and apparently so does Firestorm. Anyway, this begins one of the more constant sources of annoyance in the entire series, that being Killer Frost's pining for Firestorm, and his constant dodging and/or inner-consideration. "Should I?" Lock your dick in a freezer and tell me how great it is. No, dumbass...You shouldn't.

CHAPTER ONE, PAGE TWENTY-FIVE: Back on Monitor's Sattellite, he's...Monitoring...the group. He explains how another Earth has perished, and with it five heroes who we'll never know about died as well. Monitor also goes on about how he rescued Lyla (Harbinger) as an infant, raised her, and now she's going to eventually kill him. But that's OK, crazy space-stripper holds the fate of the entire Multiverse in her hands. Oh, good.

CHAPTER ONE, PAGE TWENTY-SIX & SEVEN: Finally, we're introduced to the entire team assembled by Harbinger; those that weren't introduced previously are either easily recognized, or probably not worthy or their own intro page. However, that doesn't explain why Arion got one. Maybe because DC knew ahead of time this would be his only appearance that anyone would ever give a shit about. New to the book are Psimon, a lanky old man with an exposed brain wearing a pink robe with the pussiest Supervillain name EVER. Geo-Force, whose biggest claim to fame is that he's the older brother of a dead Teen Titan because it certainly isn't his goofy name or terrible green-and-yellow costume. Cyborg, who is a founding member of the aforementioned Titans and finally someone people actually recognize and care about. Superman from Earth-2, who is extremely more powerful than Earth-1 Superman, but also a lot older. Obsidian, son of the Golden Age Green Lantern and he can turn into a shadow and do other creepy things. Green Lantern John Stewart, who we all know retired from active crime-fighting and now fights the horrors of American politics with his quick wit and cynnism. Oh, that's someone else? My bad. No, but THIS John Stewart is also awesome, and this was back when Hal Jordan was off "finding himself" with Green Arrow. I'm totally serious. Don't ask, don't tell. Last and thanks to his headpiece definitely least is Dr. Polaris, DC's version of Magneto, who took a look at Galactus' helmet and decided it was an excellent fashion statement. Also, his logo is a picture of a magnet, which he has put on his chest. I am TRYING to be positive, but Dr. Polaris is making is really, really hard, especially since he's supposed to be the hardcore, nasty villain in the room. I wonder if they put Psimon on the team for the sole purpose of making Dr. Polaris not look as bad, because at least Polaris isn't wearing a pink robe. Anyhoo, the assorted heroes and villains talk/argue amongst themselves while scary shadow-people watch from...the shadows, I guess. Arion gets yelled at by Dr. Polaris, Killer Frost keeps trying to fuck Firestorm (who as I said actually starts considering it), and Psimon of all people tries to rally everyone together, since he has a psychic-sense that's telling him danger is afoot!

CHAPTER ONE, PAGE TWENTY-EIGHT: Sure enough, the shadow-demon things attack, and everyone freaks-out except Harbinger, who just whines about being too weak to do anything at the moment. Obsidian wonders to himself about the shadow-demons' nature since he himself is a living shadow, and Superman-2 (that's his name from now on) yells at him for being retarded and to get back in the fight.

CHAPTER ONE, PAGE TWENTY-NINE: Dawnstar nearly gets her ass killed, but King Solovar bails her out. The two even have time to remark how crazy it is that they're an ape that talks an a human with wings. Oh, but shadow-demons, women made of fire, an old man with an exposed brain, and assorted dudes wearing bright-colored tights is TOTALLY normal, right? Blue Beetle jumps around, and the others discover their powers are practically useless against the shadows. Obsidian, helpful as always, just stands in place letting the shadow-demons pass right through him. Who the fuck brought him, again?

CHAPTER ONE, PAGE THIRTY: Well, it's about time! Obsidian discovers he can punch the shadow-demons, while Arion and Dr. Polaris scream idiot-words at each other and team-up to destroy one. Psimon makes fun of Arion, which I approve of, and when Killer Frost gets knocked off her ice-bridge (damn there's a lot of those in this story), Firestorm creates a bed for her to land on. See? The idiot spends all this time complaining about Frost's come-hither stare, and he does something like that and encourages it. Dick in a freezer, man.

CHAPTER ONE, PAGE THIRTY-ONE: Superman-2 announces that punching things isn't solving his problems like they usually do, and Cyborg is all like, "Yeah--So what ELSE is new?", which proves Cyborg is the shit because he sass-mouths The Man Of Steel. Everyone continues to bounce-off and otherwise be completely useless against the shadow-demons, and Arion finally accuses Harbinger of tomfoolery, which is about the smartest thing he's ever done. Suddenly the room fills with a blinding light, the shadow-demons flee, and everyone's left standing there wondering what the hell. An ominous figure (Monitor) explains that the attack wasn't planned but not unexpected, either. So perhaps better security systems next time? He offers to turn the lights off...

CHAPTER ONE, PAGE THIRTY-TWO: ...Big reveal! "I am...The Monitor!" He goes on to say that he's summoned the heroes and villains because their Universes are about to die, and that's officially the end of Chapter One of CoIE. The Monitor's design has always bothered me, because it's just...he looks like every character Jack Kirby began to draw and rejected, and then someone discovered this pile of failure, ate it, and took a shit. Garish armored costume complete with metal tunic, massive golden shoulder-pads, wrist-bracelets, and a pink cape. And of course he's massively ripped which you can clearly see thanks to his blue jumpsuit. Also, Monitor sports mutton-chops and a bizarre haircut that mixes Homer Simpson with a confused punk-rocker. This was one of those times when I originally read this book, when I got to this very reveal, I almost gave-up. I understand now that ESPECIALLY pre-Crisis, as it's known, DC kept it fucking real when it came to giving their various super-characters silly costumes that would never, ever, EVER be used in real life, or translated to a movie adaption for that matter. Now that I'm older and have done a lot more research and reading, I find that fact to be part of DC's charm. But back then? The Monitor's big reveal nearly scared me away from DC forever. When goddamn Dr. Polaris has to cover his mouth and excuse himself to avoid laughing in your face, you should maybe think about your choice of attire.

And so ends Part One of my massive commentary on CRISIS ON INFINITE EARTHS. I hope you enjoyed it, as I do plan on doing the entire series. This of course may take months to complete, but like I said...if someone, somewhere, someday comes across this and it helps them enjoy CoIE a bit more, if not understand it better? I've done my job. Until then...

Well, now I know which Corps I belong to...

2009-12-22T19:19:00.004-09:00

This is the best thing I've seen in at LEAST twelve hours, if not more. Of course, anything involving Deadpool and several other characters dressed-up like him is a pretty easy sell with me, but I mean really...Marvel aimed directly at my heart this time.

So what's the deal here? Why does Deadpool suddenly have a half-dozen ridiculous dopplegangers? I haven't the faintest idea outside of Headpool (he's the severed zombie head of an alternate-universe Deadpool. Duh.), and I really don't care to research. All I know is, they exist as true Marvel Universe creations for real, and not the thousands of perverse Fan-Fiction I'm CERTAIN contain a "Lady Deadpool" of some kind within their horrid script, and this amuses me to no end.

Guy Gardner: Red Lantern, or Deadpool Corps hopeful?

Now if only Big Daddy Joey-Q and Boss DiDio could play nice and cross-over their respective Universes again, we could see the greatest, most illogical Corps yet hit the scene just in time for "Blackest Night"! Could you imagine? Guy Gardner and Wade Wilson on the same page? Actually, that's all I need to say. I've given myself enough of a nerd-boner.

Oh, what the hell...Dr. Betty becoming a Star Saphire! There...proper-fucked. I am SUCH a dork.

Just imagine Dr. Betty in a purple bathing-suit, and BAM! Star Saphire.
(She's on the right, BTW.)

The DC Universe: Wackiness.

2009-12-20T11:00:00.019-09:00

Well hello there...it's been quite a long time since I've bothered to post anything, so hopefully this could be the start of an all-new period of regular, continuous posting on BMR. But probably not.

BATMAN: THE ANIMATED SERIES

One thing I've noticed about this site so-far, is my obvious devotion to all things Marvel Comics. It can't be helped - I grew-up reading "Spider-Man" and "X-Men", my only real exposure to the DC side of things being the original "Batman: The Animated Series". I loved Batman like most kids did, as Tim Burton's incredible first Bat-movie really set the standard for Dark Knight awesomeness at a very impressionable age. However, besides the occasional neat-looking cover, I was rarely inspired to buy the character's comic book.

This trend changed for a brief period of time when Batman and Superman became the focus of major media outlets, one for having his back broken and being replaced, the other for "dying". So for the first time in my comic-buying life, Batman and Superman were added to the mix that usually saw only Stan Lee-presented material. But as soon as "The Reign of The Supermen" was over, leaving us blessed with SuperMullet, I could never look Clark Kent in the eyes again unless he was part of the Justice League, where his omnipotence and boyscout mentality was at least tested and tolerable. Batman, on the other hand, recovered from his paralysis soon enough and Jean-Paul Valley, the psychotic 90's Xtreme Bat-replacement, was done away with, and I more-or-less followed the character from that point on.

SUPER-MULLET & JEAN-PAUL BATMAN: TWO FLAVORS OF EQUAL SUCK.

And that was the basis for any future involvement in the DC Universe at large: Was Batman there? Of course, this led me to Grant Morrison's "JLA" relaunch that helped key me into even more characters I grew to enjoy like Green Lantern, Martian Manhunter, and The Flash, but it was still hard for me to care too much about them when Bats was able to whoop the evil White Martians with his one super-power of BEING IMPOSSIBLE TO BEAT. The JLA consisted of five demi-gods, the weilder of the most powerful weapon in the universe, and a billionaire playboy in a bat costume, and which of those saved the day, always? Who got to sneak around striking fear into murderous shape-shifting alien fuck-heads while Superman got his invulnerable ass locked in a torture device?

Bruce Goddamn Wayne. This is why when it came to the DC Universe, you had better be at least considering a team-up with Batman if you wanted my interest. But lately, as in the last couple of years, I've truly made a very large attempt to immerse myself into what DC had to offer this whole time I was obsessively collecting every single Venom appearance or giving more of a shit about the evil Gambit doppleganger that showed-up in the Infinity War cross-over issue of "Nomad". Yes, people, the very vivid memory of an evil Gambit doppleganger and the terrible, goddamned AWEFUL comic he resides in is and will probably forever more take-up space in my brain, whereas I have trouble remembering what day it is sometimes. Comic books, huh?

JLA #1 by Grant Morrison & Howard Porter

So during my last couple of trade-splurges, where I spend several hundred dollars on "catching-up" on comics since I can't buy them when they actually come out, I'd say almost a good third of them were DC Comics. And no, I didn't just buy Batman books, either...although it was MOSTLY Batman. But seriously, I went and caught myself up on "Crisis Of Infinite Earths" which naturally REALLY opened my eyes to what DC was about, making me a life-long fan of Ted "Blue Beetle" Kord in the process. I'll have to tell the story of how I bought his first appearance on eBay, all happy and giddy, and not a week later DC fucking killed him. Actually, that WAS the story, minus the quiet sobbing into a much-read collection of "Formerly Known As The Justice League", wondering just who the hell Keith Giffen pissed-off so completely that they were now systematically FUCKING OVER his wonderful cast.

...Oh yeah, that "Formerly" book was also one of the biggest turning-points in my becoming a DC fanboy. I read several reviews of it as it was being first published, and then when the trade was solicited Wizard went apeshit about the whole thing and I knew it had to be mine. Thankfully, despite having ZERO knowledge of anyone outside of Blue Beetle, the book became an instant favorite. Max Lord & L-Ron, Booster Gold, Mary Marvel, all of them can be added to the list of ever-growing DC characters I began to cherish, thanks to how hilarious and smart (assed) the team of Giffen and Kevin Maguire made them. But then...then, my first real wake-up call to the screwy Universe that was DC happened, with a little book called "Identity Crisis".

FORMERLY KNOWN AS THE JUSTICE LEAGUE #1 by Keith Giffen and Kevin Maguire

Before "Identity Crisis", I had a very firm belief that DC just wasn't the place where you were going to see gruesome, real-life type violence. When I thought of DC, I thought of "The Super-Friends" before all else, because that was what my Marvel Zombie-rotted brain had been trained for. Spider-Man may have had some shitty cartoons in his day, but he was never a goddamn SUPER-FRIEND. But after I got my hands on I.D.C and saw Dr. Light burning and raping Sue Dibney, beloved wife of Ralf "Elongated Man" Dibney and a character I had JUST come to admire, well...I hadn't seen THAT in a Marvel book, that's for true.

I'm still not entirely certain how I feel about Sue Dibney's treatment (as a fictional comic book character, not a woman). On one hand, I was disgusted seeing the face of innocence and one half of DC's cutest couple get tortured and violated by a D-list supervillain. On the other, I tried to understand WHY they did it, in that the act helped explain how Dr. Light and other perennial failures went from being a serious threat one week, to jobbing to the Teen Titans the next; Zatanna erased their memories and altered their personalities with magic. Oh, and when Batman storms-in and raises a shit-storm of unapproval? They erase HIS memory, too.

The fucking morons.

So naturally Batman figured this out, he slapped around some of his teammates, and we all learned a very important lesson: Bruce Wayne would rather repeatedly have to beat the shit out of bad-guys and lock them away in a haunted madhouse than fuck around with magic. Oh, and there's something about Civil Rights, or somesuch nonsense. But fuck all that, you don't hocus-pocus Batman.

Anyway, "Identity Crisis" was the book that made me notice the DC Universe at large; after I had gotten attached to a few lesser-known but important characters, now they were suddenly being raped, killed, and otherwise screwed around with. Like I said, for whatever reason I hadn't considered DC would do anything to their characters outside "killing" them for a media-push, despite being well-trained in the ways of comic character torture thanks to the Marvel Method. Suddenly, I felt abused as a reader and a fan, someone who so recently became attached to these characters and now they were being picked-off for the sake of a plot device, never to be seen again in any way that would make sense to anyone.

IDENTITY CRISIS #1 by Brad Meltzer and Rags Morales

But that's when DC and myself had a little chat, thanks to a mini-series within "JLA: Classified". This was the sequel to "Formerly Known As The Justice League", which debuted months after Sue Dibney's mistreatment. Where before I thought the original "Formerly" indeed took place within normal DC continuity, but now I was being told it wasn't. The book's creators, Giffen and Maguire, were being allowed to play with their toys in their own little pocket of the Universe, self-contained stories where anything the characters did or things that happened to them had zero concequence whatsoever. This was done, I assume, to stave-off a bit of the outcry that came from fans of Sue and her wacky buddies, but I for whatever reason found it fascinating that as a fan of the team and the book, I was now faced with the fact that DC was totally fine having two different versions of them having adventures simultaniously and only one really mattered to the story at large.

Remember, my Marvel-infused brain made it hard for me to grasp things that weren't "in continuity" unless they had a "What If...?" or "Elseworlds" label slapped on it somewhere; what happened in "Web Of Spider-Man" related to what happened in "Spectacular" which carried over to "Amazing" and so-on, so across the pond at DC I expected the same for "Identity Crisis", "JLA", and "JLA: Classified", because nobody told me the rules were different. This of course loops back around to where I was getting to "Crisis On Infinite Earths", which I had read several times before, but I didn't GET just what the hell that comic accomplished.

The Flash bites it during CRISIS ON INFINITE EARTHS

See, I knew about the weird, campy, silliness of Batman and Superman in the 1950's and 60's. I didn't quite understand how the hell DC came to explain how the characters acted back then, because you know in modern comics EVERYTHING since the beginning of time has to be explained and accounted for in some way. But I never really cared enough of paid attention, figuring DC probably ignored all of the wackiness from decades past and allowed the characters to evolve naturally. Oh, no...that's not what they did AT ALL. What I discovered thanks to the original "Crisis", was that DC was willing, able and quite prone to RESETTING THEIR UNIVERSE. Seriously, that's the sum of what CoIE was created for: Installing and pushing a massive reset-button on their gigantic, convoluted cast of characters.

What I didn't know before this was that DC's most-used and, for them, easiest way to explain these annamollies was to create a brand-new parallel Earth, so if say you dug-up an issue of "Batman" from the 50's and he's running around as an Indian Cheif, that wasn't a dream or anything...It happened! But it happened on Earth-54832, fanboys! And what "Crisis" did was allow DC to more-or-less openly admit their Universe was a cluster-fuck of weirdness, clean house, and start from scratch. So now Batman always WAS the badass we know and love, Superman is only slightly-ridiculously powerful, and guys like Blue Beetle and Shazam weren't the bastard step-children robbed from bankrupt competition, they've been around the whole time...you just weren't looking close enough. DC had now freely come clean on the subject of their own continuity, and told everybody that everything pre-Crisis DOES NOT MATTER, that it was all funnybook nonsense and if you really cared for the personal histories of the characters, here, start from scratch and move along.

BATMAN: INDIAN CHIEF! What, you thought I was JOKING?!

Now that I understood the business model, I really started seeing the big differences in DC and Marvel. What happened in "Amazing Fantasy #15", the first appearance of Spider-Man, is what happened to the character, period. Peter Parker still recalls the moments from that issue to this day, as they were written in 1962. If you as a fan want to know exactly where Spider-Man came from, you can actually go back to the VERY beginning and continue all the way until...well, I suppose until "Brand New Day", but that's another story. But if you want to do the same with Batman, for example, you can't read "Detective Comics #27" and expect to find the same character now. In his first appearance, Batman uses a gun and kills criminals, two things any Bat-fan will tell you just doesn't happen. No, if you want Batman's origin the way DC would have you remember it, you go read "Batman: Year One" by Frank Miller, the story of which was partially adapted into the "Batman Begins" movie. This definitive origin for DC's franchise character, while great in every way, hit comic racks a good 40+ years after Batman himself debuted.

As a comic book fan who had been trained to be obsessed with continuity, this has always proved a problem and a hinderance with my being able to enjoy the DC Universe; I didn't want to grow too attached or worry about knowing who everyone was or how it all happened, because on a whim DC will pull the trigger and wipe the slate clean again. And what's twice as strange and frustrating for me, is that with the latest cross-over entitled "Final (We Swear!) Crisis", they went and reset things again...by making things like they were BEFORE the first one! So yes, now we have a bunch of parrellell Earths again where all kinds of wackiness ensues, and they killed Batman. Or rather, they omega-beamed him into the past where he's teaching a caveman how to draw bat-symbols on cave walls. No, I'm fucking SERIOUS. But you know what Batman did before getting time-lost/presumed dead? HE SHOT AND KILLED THE VILLAIN WITH A GUN.

Batman shoots Darkseid to death. WITH A GUN. My world is shattered!

Now, look...I'm not going to be another one of those whining, blubbering nerd-vacuums whose entire world was shattered because Bruce Wayne shot someone, but goddamn it DC! You did it to me again! I was told to believe you were the safe place to retreat to when I had had my fill of X-SNIKTBUBTWIPVENOMDOOM, but as soon as I think the water's fine, you go and rape-murder a favorite supporting cast member, another favorite supporter executes my favorite of your heroes who isn't Batman, and then Batman himself goes out in style by breaking his #1 rule and LAUGHING about it! And how do you top this masterpiece of going all serious and dark on my ass? Superman SUPER-SINGS EVIL AWAY!!! Are you fucking KIDDING me?! Clark Kent, in all his glory, turned "Final Crisis" into "Jesus Christ: Superstar" and sang a tune to dissolve evil after Batman shot it with a gun.

All I could find with this parody, but I assure you, Superman did indeed sing-away evil. Had he Rick-Rolled evil, FINAL CRISIS may have made sense to more people.

I...I just don't know what to say. My nerd-brain would have completely imploded had I not been able to accept the fact that DC Comics...are fucking crazy. They always have been, and apparently always will be. No manner of trying to invent their own continuity and rules has ever worked for them, so it's all out the damn window, now. Forget what you know, in fact, forget what you'll EVER know about DC characters; forget it as soon as you learn it. Batman is Bruce Wayne? Yeah, maybe for right now...but he also could have been Adam, the first man, because he was fucking omega-beamed into the past, bitches! And that's the beauty I've come to discover in the DC Universe, is that it is totally unpredictable, especially when you think it's MOST predictable, because that's when an alternate Earth's Superboy is going to waltz into the room, punch the very concept of space-time, and suddenly your dead ex-girlfriend is back and wondering why the hell you think she should be dead.

Because DC Comics are fucking crazy. They are comics made to test the limits of comic books, and just what exactly you can get away with when it comes to trying to make sense of the senseless. Unlike Marvel, DC can flat-out tell you at any given time George Washington was actually a time-lost Superman who had to get wooden teeth because Metallo punched him in the mouth with kryptonite. Don't believe them? Time-Punch, motherfuckers. BAM!!! Now it's canon. And that has become the norm, just as having a totally-connected and flowing timeline is the norm for a Marvel character. The closest Marvel has come to following the DC Method was the aforementioned "Brand New Day", where Spider-Man made a deal with the devil that saw his Aunt May get saved but his marriage to Mary Jane was erased from continuity. Pros and cons aside, the concept went-over about as well as a fart in church when it first hit, because now for the first time ever Marvel was telling us a very large portion of a character's continuity was meaningless. Such a jarring change to the status quo was rightfully unwelcome at Marvel, but over at DC they've been doing that shit for decades.

I bet Spidey would love to Time-Punch Joe Quesada in the dick.

I guess what I'm trying to say is...I appreciate what DC Comics is, in that it's a comic book company that does whatever it can to remain exactly that: A comic book company. They are superheroes and villains and other completely-fictional characters who exist in a completely-fictional Universe where there are absolutely no rules, because why should there be? Why can't there be an omnipotent asshole that can punch time and change history? Why can't there be 52 versions of Bruce Wayne all at the same time just in case someone wants to write a new take on why exactly he had a rainbow-colored costume that one time? Comics should only be limited by the imagination, after all. Marvel has the market pretty-well cornered as far as being a massive fictional Universe where everything is connected and has a rich, singular history, and it's completely awesome. I love Marvel, still more than DC, but mostly because that's where I got my start. I now love and respect DC for being the alternative, the place where I don't necessarily have to understand what's going-on at any given time, but that anything is certainly possible.

And I like that.

To close, I've unearthed some amazing documents depicting, finally, the one true history of the DC Universe as you should know and understand it. Follow along, won't you? (click images to enlarge)

Yes indeed, every man, woman, and child owes their lineage to The Dark Knight. I told you all before, he was omega-beamed into the past. You think Batman isn't going to make nice with the ONLY woman around? Please. But also feeling the need to disguise himself from her, also serving as the only other person alive? Bruce, you may be obsessed a little. I mean, it's not like the Joker-Snake gives a shit who you are.

And of course, who could forget the very reason we all celebrate Grodd Columbus Day? Or at least, why all the goddamn banks and post offices are closed. It's all thanks to one gorilla with a dream, a vision of pilliaging the New World and enslaving its people. And he would've gotten away with it too, if it weren't for that meddling Native Flash! GRODD!!!

Then there was the time our beloved President Abraham (Brainiac) Lincoln was beseiged by some fucking moron with an Inspector Gadget arm coming out of his chest? Nobody, that's who!

We all recall the story of Clark Kent being a retard, brutally assassinating the first-ever President with a middle-name in perenthesis, when Brainiac was actually doing a really nice job and was trying to turn-over a new leaf and freed a lot of slaves. You know the real lesson learned from this moment in history, folks? SUPERMAN HATES BLACK PEOPLE.

Yeah, I said it.

This...This is Batman having an underwater adventure, wearing bat-flippers and a 50's deep-sea diver helmet, with a Bat-Signal MADE OF FISH in the background. Oh, and why yes...That is a motherfucking SQUID wearing Robin's domino mask. It's not really a significant moment in history, I'm just in love with it. Everything about it.

They call him "The Darksea Detective". He is shouting "TO THE BATFISH!!!" at his GODDAMNED SQUID SIDE-KICK, who wears a domino mask to DISQUISE HIMSELF from OTHER SQUIDS. I am so in love with this masterpiece, I will invent a way to impregnate it - or for it to impregnate me, let's be honest - and create beautiful, horrible children with it.

If this DIDN'T happen at some point in DC's long history, I can't think of a worse crime that's ever been commited. That is all.

Oh, you thought I wouldn't travel THIS darkened road of DC's history-highway, did you? I'm afraid you've either underestimated my Kent-loathing, or overestimated my respect for the character. See, I respect the fact that Supes was technically the first-ever superhero, and that he's a true representation of Americana, an icon, blah-blah-blah yakkity-shmackity. But you know what I DON'T respect? What I absolutely won't tolerate, no matter who you are or what your contributions to modern culture?

Child. Abuse.

You can't super-sweep this one under the rug, Clark. It was bound to catch-up to you sooner or later, and here we are...Later. For all the world to see, first your time-traveling escapades of freedom-hating murder, and now THIS horrifying display of---

Oh, the kid's all upset because you're really Clark Kent and that was a big let-down for him? What, was he expecting Brad Pitt or Spongebob Squarepants or someone else he actually KNEW? Ah, so he's just fucking stupid, then. He's crying because he got his hopes up Superman spent his free time as one of Ben 10's Alien Force or some shit, and not actually some dumb-fuck reporter from Kansas. No intent of molestation, then. Gotcha.

You should really try not to pull-off your clothes in the presence of a crying boy face-down on a bed, Superman. It really doesn't look good at all.

The Avengers Dream-Teams!

2009-10-17T11:16:00.010-08:00

Well, I tried. I really did. But my levels of motivation vary so drastically on a day-to-day basis, attempting to do anything even resembling a regular, weekly feature here on BMR was rather silly. "31 Days Of Halloween" was a nice idea in theory, but I really shouldn't be committing myself to such things until I'm maybe/possibly being paid or otherwise bribed to do so.

Anyhoo, Marvel's "Dark Reign" event is wrapping-up shortly, and with it The Avengers, presumably all three team line-ups, will be drastically changed if they don't outright vanish. There's a lot of speculation going on right now as to what the team rosters are going to look like, but here's my own personal vision of the future...

MIGHTY AVENGERS

CAPTAIN AMERICA (James "Bucky" Barnes)

THOR, GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER!!!

WASP (Hank Pym)

LUKE CAGE

THE VISION

GIANT GIRL (Cassie Lang)

HAWKEYE (Clint Barton)

SHE-HULK (Jennifer Walters)

SONGBIRD

This would be the main, public team after "Dark Reign" is all said-and-done. The new "Trinity" of Cap, Thor, and Pym would be the forefront; Bucky has done too good a job as Cap to be ousted just because Rogers came back from the dead so damn soon (see below for what I've done with him), and I really loved the exchange between he and Thor during "Secret Invasion". The Odinson himself would be wary to join with Pym, but it would be an uneasy understanding after it was agreed the REAL Hank Pym would never help clone a Thunder God. The oddcouple of Cassie & Vision would move-up from being Young Avengers, Clint finally reclaims his identity and true place in the Marvel U while his wife Mockingbird goes back to her secret agent job, Cage and Songbird realize their destinies as real Superheroes, and She-Hulk rejoins her comrades and returns to the public eye she enjoys so much. Recurring characters would be Edwin Jarvis, Butler of Champions, Cage's wife Jessica Jones & their daughter, Danny Rand AKA Iron Fist, and of course Jocasta, Hank's android "companion" with the personality imprint of his deceased ex-wife who he obsessed over. Because creepy robot-love is a great read, always! The Young Avengers would stop-by often to check on their buddies, Cassie and Vision, while I'm sure romance would often be in the air as Black Widow visits BuckyCap, and the aforementioned Mockingbird teams-up with her hubby Hawkeye. And how could I forget Abe Jenkins, AKA Mach VI, the former Beetle and Songbird's boyfriend? Good times were had by all!

DARK AVENGERS

JUSTICE (Vance Astro)

TIGRA

SLAPSTICK

ANTI-VENOM (Eddie Brock)

ULTRA GIRL (w/70's Ms. Marvel Costume)

KOMODO

CONSTRICTOR

KIA (Killed-In-Action)

NOMAD (Rikki Barnes)

Former New Warriors and Initiative members hook-up with Eddie Brock and Rikki Barnes; the universe-displaced Nomad becomes a part-time "junior member", while Anti-Venom joins as the final addition to the team, becoming an "underground/proactive" group that hunts-down the remnants of Osborn's reign of terror. Constrictor and Komodo form a classic snake/lizard, teacher/student relationship, Komodo begining her super-career as a bit of a criminal, while Constrictor works on redeeming his own villainous past. Team-leader Justice deals with his own awkward romance with Ultra Girl, and Tigra brings some serious drama to the table in the form of her being impregnated by a Skrull (which is a very long story), and also some Avengers credibility...but that's stretching things a tad. KIA returns thanks to Slapstick's manipulations (for anyone that read the second arc of "The Initiative", you'll know what I'm referring to), but whose body he's using is anyone's guess, his identity also hidden behind a Scarlet Spider mask. These heroes operate outside the law, often going to extreme lengths to get the job done, but S.H.I.E.L.D. more-or-less ignores their activities so long as they do the RIGHT job.

NICK FURY'S NEW AVENGERS

IRON MAN

WAR MACHINE

MS. MARVEL (Carol Danvers)

WONDER MAN

BLACK WIDOW (Natasha Romanova)

COLONEL AMERICA (Steve Rogers)

ANT-MAN (Eric O'Grady)

ARES, GOD OF GODDAMN WAR!!!

CAPTAIN MARVEL (Noh-Varr)

After being re-instated as Director of S.H.I.E.L.D., General Nick Fury assembles his own squadron of fast-acting, global-responding Avengers comprised of those he could trust, whose skills he could use or otherwise manipulate, and a couple of guys just looking to prove themselves. Steve Rogers, freshly back from the grave, gets promoted and becomes Colonel America, as much an ambassador for his home country as he is an active Superhero. Stark and Rhodes reunite and bring with them the usual suspects of Danvers, Williams, Widow, and Ares...who also joins with Fury to keep better watch over his son, Phobos, member of the Secret Warriors. Carol and Simon have an on-again/off-again romance, and Widow could provide an often-needed bridge to Bucky's Avengers team, considering her past with both he and Clint Barton. Iron Man and Steve Rogers bury the hatchet, agreeing to disagree on some issues but also admitting to wrongs on both sides, comitting to allow Nick Fury to run the show once again. Ant-Man gets signed-up so he can be watched as well, his skills more useful working for the Avengers rather than against. Noh-Varr still believes his destiny is as a Protector of Earth, so he takes this chance to wash the stink of Osborn off him for good and becomes the newest man to take-up the mantle of Captain Marvel.

BONUS!!! What About...?

THE SENTRY

Bobby-boy gets tired of the wacky world Marvel's Earth has become, where nobody remembers he first appeared at the same time as the Fantastic Four, he doesn't know whether to trust Tony Stark or Norman Osborn, and he may-or-may-not be a schizophrenic, all-powerful godling who's also the Supervillain known as The Void. So, he ventures into outerspace, joining-up with the likes of The Guardians Of The Galaxy, The Inhumans, and The Imperial Guard, where there are characters who can match Sentry's power and strength such as Gladiator. The dude could possibly even become the new King of The Inhumans, since he has a past with Crystal and Black Bolt is kinda dead, at the moment anyway.

HERCULES, PRINCE OF MUTHAF'N POWER!!!
Herc and his sidekick Amadeus Cho were serious contenders for one of my teams, but I feel they belong on their own wandering the Marvel Universe alongside Kid Zeus and the gang. I'm sure he'd pop his head in from time-to-time, especially to say "Hello" to She-Hulk and get on the nerves of a certain God Of Thunder.

SCARLET WITCH

Wanda is, as far as I'm concerned, bat-shit crazy and should be carefully observed while she remains blassfully unaware of what she did during "House Of M". Brother Voodoo should assign one of his pals to constantly monitor Ms. Maximoff, and should her memory return, all magic-based Superheroes should assemble and make sure she can handle it, or banish her to some unescapable dimension somewhere. Don't get me wrong, I'm a fan of Scarlet Witch, but there's no way I could see any rational person, especially one with an Avengers past, being OK with having Wanda around after she systematically murdered Hawkeye, Vision, Jack Of Hearts, and Scott Lang. Then, she made something like 98% of every mutant alive go powerless, making The X-Men's people an endangered species. Yes, I'm sure they'd all be so forgiving after that.

QUICKSILVER

Back to X-Factor for Pietro, where he belongs to be the thorn in Gudio's side he so desperately needs. The rivalry between he and Longshot could be legendary, too.

U.S.AGENT

An Open Letter To John "U.S.Agent" Walker:
Nobody likes you, John Walker. Nobody at all. The only reason you were ever an Avenger in the first place is because Rogers felt sorry for you, and then you go and shove it in his face first by stealing his identity (again) WHILE HE WAS STILL ALIVE, and then after Steve "dies", all you can say is that Norman Osborn's a true patriot and thank god for him. Fuck you, Walker. You're not making the cut on my watch, you goddamned crummy wannabe!

31 Days Of Halloween: Day Eleven

2009-10-11T13:28:00.002-08:00

LORD OF THE BLACK LAGOON by Nocturals23

Not much to say here, that's one amazing painting. Happy Sunday!

The Weekend Warriors Wrap-Up!

2009-10-11T08:47:00.005-08:00

Welcome to my little slice of Nerd News Heaven, where you'll find tidbits about whateverthehell I may find interesting, or have found interesting, about the past week. The order of News Items are random, as I can't be expected to remember that kind of thing...they're posted as my memory activates. So there.

Seth Rogen's choice to suit-up as The Green Hornet continues to amaze me, but the guy got in friggin' shape for the part! Good on you, Seth! Anyway, pics of him and the Asian dude that's Not-Stephen-Chow can be seen Rightatthisverylink.

For serial? Adrien Brody has been cast as the lead in Robert Rodriguez's "Predator(s)" movie-reboot. You know, I don't have so much a problem with this since the plot is apparently a spaceship full of random dudes, or possibly criminals or something, crash-lands on the Predators' home planet and they naturally become the easiest targets in Predator history; they don't even have to leave home. I'm guessing Brody will be "The Brains" of the outfit, considering the other guys cast seem to be a pack of bruisers reminiscent of the 1987 original. So long as someone's spine is dangling from a bloody, clawed hand before too long, I'll be happy...and it's NOT John Cena in the starring role, which has been rumored.

One of my favorite lesser-known comic characters, Brother Voodoo, finally gets his (voo)due this week as the first issue of his ongoing series debuted. Having inherited the mantle of Sorcerer Supreme from Stephen Strange, the now-labeled Doctor Voodoo kicks the ass of Black Magic with his own mastery of the Dark Arts, something Strange never tried before. Outside the box, Steve. Check-out a great review of the issue, over at MajorSpoilers!

Well...I just don't know what to think anymore. Marge Simpson has appeared "in the nude" on Playboy, or will come November. Now, cartoon porn has its place in this crazy, mixed-up world, because without it certain people would be robbed of their need to see demonic tentacles do rude things to unsuspecting, cheerful schoolgirls, and you DON'T want to see those kind of people repressed and frustrated. But...Marge? This is just a shade removed from seeing a best friend's Mother on the cover of Playboy, which is some cases may be OK depending on who we're talking about here, but in this case I just feel bad for Bart, Lisa, and Maggie. Homer's probably not too thrilled about it, either. But Moe? Moe is the real winner here, folks. He finally gets to see Midge naked.

After pulling-out of the fight due to a torn MCL, Mark "The Hammer" Coleman will be replaced by Forrest Griffen in the fight against Tito Ortiz at UFC 106. This of course will be Tito's first fight in a few years, since he hasn't competed since his loss to Lyoto Machida. Griffin will be stepping into the Octagon for the first time since he GOT THE SHIT BEAT OUT OF HIM by Anderson "The Spider" Silva a couple months back, and while I'd usually be rooting for Forrest, the guy has become a straight-up asshole since he ran away like a bitch after the fight. Ortiz isn't much of a better choice to go for in my mind, but I'd at least like to see him win and rub it in a bit more in Dana's face. But if Griffen wins, he may have to rethink his game-plan a bit before getting back in there again...

Matt Serra versus Frank Trigg? I'm fucking THERE, man!

WEC 43 was last night, and what an incredible show it was! Each fighter was there to bring it, all of them just going buck-wild and swinging for the fences. I was personally disappointed that Donald "The Cowboy" Cerrone didn't pull it off and get his much-anticipated rematch against Jamie Varner, but Ben Henderson would certainly be the next guy I'm going to love seeing kick the shit out of ol' bitch-ass Jamie. I just read that Lorenzo Fertitta made the call to double the "Fight Of The Night" award for Cerrone & Henderson, which was a 5-round war, from $10,000 to $20,000 each. That's fucking awesome right there.

Wanna see the craziest "Amalgam" of a Marvel and DC character? Head over here, and make Mike Sterling a regular part of your day while you're at it.

HEY NOW!!! Hasn't even been a month, and already the first downloadable character for "Marvel: Ultimate Alliance 2" has been revealed: CARNAGE!!! While I originally thought to myself what a waste of space yet another symbiote was going to be in the game, I quickly changed my mind when I read about his in-game character. Hardly just a clone or skin of Spidey and Venom, Carnage is going to be an all-new character with unique moves and, well...fuck "Maximum Carnage" and all that, but I no longer care...he looks AWESOME.

The Baltimore Comic-Con was this past weekend. The Mondo Marvel panel had the usual suspects of Bendis, Fraction, Aaron, and Claremont, thankfully no Loeb. Wanna know why thankfully? Because that allowed Bendis to take a few pot-shots at Rulk, and that NEVER gets old. Claremont spoke at length about future plans for "X-Men Forever", and the three people who give a shit squee'd with delight, I'm sure. After making the usual jokes about killing more characters people are in love with such as Luke Cage and Spider-Woman, Bendis didn't really say too much of note other than "The Siege", Marvel's upcoming mini-event that supposedly puts a stop to "Dark Reign", will shake-up The Avengers more than they've been shaken-up since "Disassembled" happened. And since they've more-or-less been fucked with constantly since then, that's a pretty bold statement. A portly, bearded fellow dressed as Thor chimed-in, soon followed by a kid dressed as Captain America and a confused teenager decked-out as Frank Castle. This all led to Bendis and Aaron getting ideas, so hopefully they all got really, really drunk that night and forgot about it.

The quote/story of the week actually comes from the DC Nation panel at the BCC of all places, where a 56-year-old fan who had been reading Green Lantern since issue #4 closed the show with this heart-warming speech after explaining how he bought his first comic at a candy store for a dime: "Thank you, thank you, thank you for all that you've been doing with Green Lantern and the Green Lantern Corps. There's never been a better time to be a fan of Green Lantern". Aaaawwww...You know when you've written a story about Zombie Superheroes-turned-evil ripping the hearts out of innocent people's chests, and it's beloved by a guy who's been with the book since the goddamn 60's, you have succeeded. Geoff Johns, I salute you.

"CAN YOU DIG IT?!"

Marvel Ultimate Alliance 2: I Just Finished It.

2009-10-10T12:34:00.013-08:00

Yo. So I just finished beating "Marvel: Ultimate Alliance 2" for the XBOX360 the other day, for the second time in a row. The second being on Hard difficulty, of course. I unlocked every character and most of the Boosts that are worth-while, so I feel the game has been thoroughly conquered.

Overall it was a pretty good game, but felt incredibly short compared to the first offering and especially considering the wait. Honestly, I HATED having to play the Pro-Reg side to unlock things like Spidey's "Iron Spider" costume; bowing-down to super-bitch Maria Hill, then slapping-around a teenager after he calls you traitors? Yeah, I felt all warm-n-fuzzy inside after that one. They just make no bones about the fact you have made the POOR FUCKING CHOICE joining Iron Man's team, despite the fact you can now use Songbird (awesome!) and Mr. Fantastic (sweet...?)!

Ben Grimm & Norman Osborn...On the same side?! I'M THERE!!!

The new characters range from cool and fun (Goblin, Iron Fist, Juggernaut), to utterly useless wastes of a good spot (Penance). I often found myself wishing the characters that made cameos and teamed-up with you, such as Cable, Bishop, She-Hulk, and Hercules, would have made far-more logical and enjoyable choices rather than throwing a notorious frown-inducer like Robbie Baldwin into the mix just to complete The Thunderbolts motif. And if they really needed another 'Bolt, why not someone more respectable like Moonstone, Radioactive Man (you'll get your due one day, Chen), or Bullseye?

The returning characters also varied in quality, and reasoning. Did Daredevil really need to be there when Iron Fist, Deadpool, and Wolverine were on the roster? He's a great character, sure...but he also played almost zero part in "Civil War" other than being arrested, and in-game he feels like a bland choice put-up against the aforementioned. Iceman? Really? Was there honestly a need for him to come back? Bobby wasn't in "Civil War" at all outside of the X-Men's mini where little happened of note, and his appearance in UA2 just screams "rehash" and "laziness". This is the spot that angers me the most, because not only was it totally wasted, it was the last one announced, meaning all of us were waiting in anticipation; were they truly saving the best for last? Another all-new, fan-demanded character like Emma Frost, Nova, or The Sentry? No. It was friggin' ICEMAN with his horrible surfer-voice and the totally-rad alternate costume of wearing a leather jacket over his ice-form. Dork.

The God Of Thunder & Spider-Man takin' care of business...

The fact that Thor had to be unlocked angered me, because you're already having to unlock two brand-new characters in Phoenix and Hulk, now you have to almost beat the game once just to get another repeat? An awesome repeat, mind you, but still. Hulk was fun when I finally unlocked him 2/3rds through my second run, but was disappointed to find his alternate costume was Rulk. I mean, of course it was...but I was crossing my fingers hoping for World War Hulk, or at the very least Mr. Fixit. Loeb wins this round...

And that's another thing that kinda stunk...the alternate costumes. Most of them were designed by the game developers, referring to them as "tributes" to other, existing ones. You know, costumes fans would LIKE to see. Daredevil again fails, with his being a lousy kevlar vest-version similar to his 90's armor. So why not just do the 90's armor, or something even easier with more of a fanbase like his yellow costume? The Ultimate costumes are also dated now, with most of the characters featured not even having Ultimate versions to speak of thanks to Loebicron eating the planet. Can't we just have maybe the spikey-mutated Thing, or for god's sake the brown-and-yellow costume for Wolvie instead of that TERRIBLE goateed Ultimate loser? Of course there's some good in the mix, like Green Goblin's alternate being Hobgoblin, Thor's JMS-inspired design, Spider-Man's Iron-Spider, and Venom's original look, but those barely make-up for the weak S.H.I.E.L.D. armor Ms. Marvel has (rather than something awesome and easy like her 70's look or Binary), Iron Man's 80's red-and-yellow armor (because there's not like, 37 versions they could use that are a different shade at least, or anything), and whateverthehell Songbird's "extreme"-looking sunglasses and leather pants is supposed to be, assuming their intentions weren't to make Melissa Gold look like a cheap hooker.

The Incredible Hulk prepares to SMASH a poor, puny human!

One thing I LOVED about the first UA is the multiple costumes, and that a lot of them actually gave you a new character skin such as Thor's Beta Ray Bill, Iron Man's War Machine, Ghost Rider's Vengeance AND Phantom Rider, etc. Could the developers not really care enough to give us a Screaming Mimi or Speedball skin? Did they really think anyone cared to play as shirtless Penance, complete with bleeding scabs? I'm sure a lot of these things will pop-up as DLC, but the fact that we now have to pay extra for things that were free in the first game kinda totally sucks. Making the graphics and Fusions all neat-and-pretty in favor of gutting things that made Ultimate Alliance special in the first place isn't exactly a great move, or a nice one. Besides, in-game the graphics hardly matter; you can certainly tell the difference, but I'm sure everyone would like to see a more-customizable team than a sparklier one.

Nanite Fury was a big let-down for me personally, as the game's final boss; he had a lame design, the story build-up to his debut was predictable and full of bait-and-switch crap. Tinkerer's with you to help find the culprit, and what do you know, he betrays you at the first chance he gets! And what's that? You wanted a big-name villain along the lines of Dr. Doom or Thanos, after five years of waiting for this sequel? Sorry, you get Nick Fury possessed by 90's Liefeld armor! YES!!! And he even has spikey feet and one glowing eye! And guess what, disappointed Marvelites? He's also the final unlockable character in the game, robbing yet another spot from a more-deserving one. You know, someone like ANYONE, any damn thing would have been a more welcome addition instead of Nanite Fury, complete with the powers of several mini-bosses. Radical. And this sad abomination doesn't even have an alternate costume choice, so you can't even PRETEND you're playing as the actual Nick Fury...you must use RoboColonel, or not at all.

Ladies And Gentlemen...Mac "Venom" Gargan, kills bitches dead.

So yeah...in other words, I would have loved this if it came-out a year or two after the first UA, but after waiting half a decade, I'm left wanting more and feeling a little bit let-down. Juggernaut was a cool and unique character to throw at us whiny critics, but again, time spent porting-over guys like Iceman and Daredevil, time we know could have been used on better costumes or Emma Frost, leaves a somewhat bitter aftertaste.

FAVORITE CHARACTER: Thor wins this one, thanks to his screen-clearing moves, two great costumes, and perfect voice; The Odinson, once unlocked, never left my team.

WORST CHARACTER: Mr. Fantastic/Iceman/Nanite Fury, I couldn't pick just one to hate. All three are useless, two of them make no sense even being playable, and thinking about it makes me want to hit something because anyone from Punisher to Nova would have been better choices.

MAIN TEAM: Thor, Deadpool, Hulk, and Venom. After I finally found the last Gamma-thing and unlocked Hulk, he quickly became a favorite thanks to his moves and voice basically being ported from the earlier "Incredible Hulk" game, which is a free-roaming adventure where you can smash NYC to the ground, use cars as boxing gloves, and the skins range from The Maestro to Abomination. Anything that reminds me of that game is A-OK in my book. Deadpool and Venom show-up virtually unchanged from the first UA, which is fine because they were two favorites in that one, too. I usually alternated Venom with either Songbird or Invisible Woman, my two favorite Marvel women, to add some visual-appeal, plus Songbird is REALLY fun to play as.

BIGGEST SURPRISE: I never gave Spider-Man much of a chance in the original "Ultimate Alliance", but after unlocking his Iron-Spidey costume, I discovered he was actually pretty fun and he became a regular alternate on my team. Oh, and seeing goddamn Equinox show-up was befuttling, to say the least.

BIGGEST DISAPPOINTMENT: Did I already mention Iceman and Nanite Fury? Yes? Well, then the lack of an original storyline kinda brought the whole experience down, I suppose I'd have to say. "Secret War" and "Civil War" were whatever they were to whomever read them; to me the first was a rather confusing saga that gave Bendis an excuse to put Wolverine, Spider-Man, Daredevil, and Captain America on the same team and give himself a fan-service reach-around. Yes, it supposedly led-in to what would become the outlook of the Marvel Universe for years to come, but take it away and most people wouldn't even notice. In other words, not important enough to base a game off of. "Civil War" was so passionately loved or hated, to say it was a risky plot to introduce to the mainstream, especially the concept of Iron Man as a douchebag when Robert Downey Jr. is telling us the opposite, is an understatement. First of all, it's not "two games in one" as I've seen game designers tell people; one half you're with Captain America or Iron Man, and the other half you're fighting nanite-people no matter what side you chose. The differences between sides aren't too dramatic, either: you fight bosses and mini-bosses that have similar powers and are more-or-less skins of each other, such as Cable/Bishop and Yellowjacket/Goliath, but you're running around virtually the same levels and you're usually stuck wanting to pick a character that's exclusive to the OTHER side. I'd rather have had a fluid storyline where NONE of my favorite heroes were portrayed as massive dicks, I could pick who I WANTED to be on my team at all times, and that basically my video games and comic books didn't mix outside of mutual inspirations; I paid money for "Ultimate Alliance 2", not "Civil War: The Game", and giving me Juggernaut to keep me quiet isn't going to work for very long.

"I'm The Juggernaut, Bitch!"...And he's also GameStop-Exclusive, folks!

WHAT'S THE SCORE?: The game was fun and provided me with a few days worth of genuine fanboy enjoyment, mostly out of the surprises like teaming-up with Firestar and the wacky mini-boss fight of A-Bomb & Justice, but also due to familiar-yet-upgraded gameplay. However, I wanted more than anything a true sequel to the first UA, which gave us the "Galactus Seeks Revenge" cliffhanger ending, and instead we got as I've said..."Civil War: The Game". The thing is, I most certainly would have bought BOTH a true sequel and a comic adaption of CW, and I'm sure many people would have as well. Like I mentioned, basing a very successful video game franchise on a comic that a LOT of fans have said doomed the Marvel Universe was perhaps not so wise, and limiting character selection-choices to the sides you pick, despite the appearances of people like Gambit not making ANY sense, seriously hurt the overall quality; if you want to match-up continuity, go all the way or knock it the fuck off. I wanted to use Songbird the ENTIRE game, not just half of it, thank you very much.

So-so character selection? Check. Only one alternate costume (at the most) per character, most of which totally suck? Check. Half of the game makes you feel like a complete asshole, if you even bother to play it? Double-check. I'm not saying there's nothing good about the game, it was a lot of fun to play and unlock everything and finally assemble my Thor/Deadpool/Venom/Hulk fanboy wet-dream-team. But it all just felt like an extended downloadable map, a "Civil War" mission if you will, rather than a sequel I've been waiting on for half a friggin' decade.

"Marvel: Ultimate Alliance 2" gets THREE ANGRY SCREAMING MIMI'S out of FIVE for being a fun game with good replay value if you can stomach being smarmy-douchecock Tony Stark's bitch for one half, but otherwise a lot more let-downs and disappointments than I'm used to from this franchise.

31 Days Of Halloween: Days Eight & Nine

2009-10-10T09:55:00.004-08:00

TRICK 'R TREAT by voya

Friday's pic brings back great memories of Trick-r-Treating's past, although I'm relatively sure I was never any of the characters featured above. Yoda provides the perfect geek-moderator between DC's Caped Crusader and Marvel's Webbed Wonder, all patiently awaiting their candy. Or perhaps it's a sting, and Joker, Vader, and Doc Ock are all waiting behind that door. Only voya knows for sure...

THE MUMMY by Pharoahscurse

Not much to say, other than LOOK at that creepy yellow eye, and the rotting flesh oozing out from beneath the wrappings. It's a great depiction of the horror movie classic, rather than Brendan Frasier's "Watch me scream at things" movie franchise. The artist is appropriately named, too. Happy weekend!

31 Days Of Halloween: Days Six, Seven, & Eight

2009-10-08T12:28:00.005-08:00

Yes, I've been horribly lazy the last couple of days...sue me. Actually, don't. Making-up for it with another triple post of spooky-goodness, here's what should have been Tuesday's entry:

ZOMBIE TINKERBELL by NoFlutter

Hey, I have a thing for zombiefied versions of...anything, really. And what could be better than an undead take on Disney's cutest little "Hot Topic" poster-child? Really, I just looked for "zombies" on DeviantArt, and decided to just not fight the facts anymore: That website has been overrun with tweens and goth-girls, so when you look for something even remotely related to horror and Halloween, you're going to have to sift through dozens upon dozens of pics of "vampires hugging", "vampires who are also cat-people hugging", and in the case of zombies, zombie-versions of everything goth-girls love such as Disney characters and "Nightmare Before Christmas" garbage. So there you have it, Zombie Tinkerbell...looking oh-so cute in her horrifying way. Wednesday's entry:

JASON by Roboworks

Something more my speed, as finally searching for "Friday The 13th" actually turned-up this great piece of work done by the mysterious Roboworks. I really dig the eerie yellow eyes peeking from behind the hockey mask, and the sunset colors mix with the blood-red in the water really, really nicely. This one beat-out a picture of Winnie The Pooh-as-Jason, and a Hello Kitty dressed in the attire, as well. I just figured, you know, why not stick with the original for once? Finally, today's entry:

GREMLINS by svenolgson22

Now THAT is a badass "Gremlins" poster! So far the only search I did on DeviantArt today that DIDN'T turn-up images of gothic characters hugging each other (seriously, just search around. It's ridiculous how many there are, and the varieties), and you can see why; Gremlins are nott o be hugged, only feared and/or enjoyed from a safe distance. Stripe, the main antagonistic Gremlin from the movies, appears here in devilish red looking ready for chaos and to make ka-ka out of that pesky Gizmo...but it better be soon, before he busts-out the "Rambo" gear again.

31 Days Of Halloween: Day Five

2009-10-05T16:49:00.004-08:00

SAM HAIN by TraditionalDanimatio

I wanted to go "Ghostbusters" for today's post, and I just so happened to have this awesome pic of Sam Hain, one of the GB's main villains from the "Real Ghostbusters" cartoon series, saved over on DeviantArt. It's a great piece, and you guys should look around the artist's collection...he's done quite a bit of Ghostbusters-related art, all of it great.

Mini Marvel Monday!

2009-10-05T16:20:00.004-08:00

Yo! Welcome to yet ANOTHER weekly feature here on BMR, joyfully-entitled: "Mini Marvel Monday"! At the very start of our lovely work-week (well...for most of us), I'll post a strip or page or whatever from Chris Giarrusso's MINI MARVELS - the very best in all-ages entertainment - for your viewing/reading pleasure. Trust me, if you're having a shitty Monday, these things can perk you right up...unless you have a heart of solid coal, of course.

*Sigh* Ain't it the truth? Good on ya, Clint...

Hey, I Just Finished - "Thunderbolts: Faith In Monsters"

2009-10-04T12:39:00.010-08:00

Welcome to what will become another regular feature here on BMR: "Hey, I Just Finished - "...insert name of book at the end. I read all the time; every night, and a lot of my weekends are dedicated to absorbing book-after-book, over and over again, until they're so memorized I can recite them. Well, not really, but pretty damn close. For my first official entry...

THUNDERBOLTS: FAITH IN MONSTERS TPB

COLLECTING: "Thunderbolts" #110-115, "Thunderbolts: Desperate Measures", and select stories from "Civil War: Choosing Sides" and "The Initiative".

MAIN STORY: Warren Ellis

MAIN ARTIST: Mike Deodato, Jr.

MAIN COLORS: Rainier Beredo

MAIN LETTERS: RS & Comicraft's Albert Deschesne

MAIN COVERS: Marko Djurdjevic

I decided to read "Faith In Monsters" again (I've read it probably three times already) thanks to playing "Marvel: Ultimate Alliance 2" so much I'm hearing Green Goblin's laugh when I close my eyes at night; seriously, playing as The Thunderbolts characters (Goblin, Venom, Songbird, & Penance) is great fun. The game provided an excellent voice cast, which I now hear as I read their lines in the book itself, especially Songbird's as it was dead-on. Anyway, the review...

For those that were late to the party, let me sum-up how "Thunderbolts" came to be: The team was originally The Masters of Evil disguised as all-new Superheroes, who emerged during a time The Avengers and Fantastic Four had disappeared. Of the original line-up, only Songbird (the former Screaming Mimi) and Radioactive Man (not the guy from "The Simpsons") remain. "Civil War" happened, in which Iron Man's side won, forcing the Superhero Registration Act upon the U.S.; basically, if you want to be a Superhero and fight crime legally, you have to register with the Government, get proper training, and become more-or-less a "Super-Cop" and are stationed wherever the hell they want to put you. During all of this, The Thunderbolts took the concept of villains-as-heroes to a new level, FORCING captured Supervillains to hunt-down Unregistered Superheroes, and in return after a year's service they get a million-dollars, a new I.D. and a ticket out of the Country. Not a bad deal, really.

We begin our story with Bullseye being interviewed/interrogated by who we quickly discover is Tommy Lee Jones - I mean, Norman Osborn...

Someone likes their Photo-References...

Osborn quickly puts the fear of Goblin into Bullseye, making him well-aware of the "Nanochain" that was injected into his body: The T-Bolts get outta line, they get a paralysis-inducing shock. We then get a nice flashback to when Bulls WAS paralyzed, lying on a hospital bed with a VERY pissed-off Daredevil (Bullseye kinda murdered his girlfriend) pointing a gun at his face. So yeah, he doesn't want to be there, again.

Now segue to Cleveland, Ohio and the home of Jack Flag and his girlfriend Lucy. Jack had a moment in the sun as one of Captain America's many hanger-ons, but now he's trying to make a point by purposefully not registering because Cap, his hero, refused to as well. Naturally, this leads to him putting on his mask to stop a gang of potential-rapists, which of course draws the attention of a certain group of Hero-Hunters. The Thunderbolts board their plane, the Zeus, and head to Cleveland. There's a great break in the action to showcase just how out of control everything has gotten, by showing us a "commercial" for Thunderbolts action-figures; children use their plastic Venom & Co. to attack "terrorist masked-man" Captain America, complete with screaming voice-chip (nice touch).

Venom's About To Eat Jack Flag!

As the team arrives, Jack Flag is waiting for them. The whole battle goes to hell as new team-leader Moonstone does a terrible job giving orders, and Flag proceeds to show-up his attackers with style for a few minutes. Soon enough, Venom goes nuts and tries to EAT Jack Flag, prompting Moonstone to zap him with his Nanochain. Flag almost gets away if not for the cloaked Bullseye, used only in case of emergencies, who sneaks-up behind Jack and stabs him through the spine, paralyzing him. Bad karma, Bullseye...do unto others and all that, Mr. I'm-Scared-Of-Being-Broken. So anyway, Jack gets beat-on some more by a crazed Swordsman (son of Nazi criminal Baron Von Strucker), while Norman sits in his office and starts mixing his meds in ways he probably shouldn't. I'm certain he'll be fine, though.

Next-up, we learn Moonstone wanted to hurry the mission up so she could get back to Thunderbolts Mountain for some casual sex with a dock-worker, which Songbird calls her out on in front of everyone (Osborn's "Oh, really?" is classic). We also see Osborn's personal time with Radioactive Man (they made him get a new costume because people thought he was LEAKING radiation) and Venom, where poor Mac Gargan, the former Scorpion, reveals the Venom-symbiote is starting to take more and more control; some days he hates it, other days he wonders how he ever lived without it. Bullseye coughs-up some more blather about wanting to kill everyone, which he DOES but...we know, Bulls. We know. Following that, we get some quick introductions to three Unregistered Superheroes: Jillian Woods AKA Shadowoman, Jason Strongbow AKA American Eagle, and Ollie Osnick AKA Steel-Spider...uh-oh about that last one. Sure enough, we cut to Norman Osborn going-over his list of Unregistered's, and the name Steel-Spider is looking more and more like "Spider-Man" each time Norman reads it. The former Green Goblin begins to laugh as only Supervillains do...

PENANCE

After following Steel-Spider around for a minute and discovering that vigilantism is pretty much all he's got to live for, we get another personal moment as Norman speaks with Penance AKA Robbie Baldwin, who used to go by the name Speedball; the event that kicked-off "Civil War" was in fact Speedball and his New Warriors teammates being horribly-careless and being partially responsible for the deaths of 612 people. Robbie has become a severely-Emo "cutter", and wears his Penance armor (which has 612 spikes on the inside that constantly stab him) to both get his fix of the good-hurt, and help release his super-powers which can now only be triggered by pain. Oh, and of course this constant torture is supposed to make-up for his part in killing all those people. I'm guessing Robbie likes "Twilight", too. Swordsman gets his own facetime with Osborn, where it's revealed he's serving The Thunderbolts in return for a clone of his dead sister; Andreas & Andrea Von Strucker, mutant twins, can only activate each-other's powers by making physical contact. That's not extremely creepy, or anything. To drive the point home, Swordsman happens to wrap the hilt of his sword with the SKIN of his dead sister so he can still use his powers, but the rest of the team makes note that it's probably a bit more than that. Gross.

Moonstone and Swordsman make deals behind the scenes to sabotage everything they both hate, including Osborn and Songbird, to help further their personal goals of being the Director of The T-Bolts (which Osborn is) and cloned sister-love, respectively. Meanwhile, Shadowoman, American Eagle, and Steel-Spider all happen to bump into each other for various reasons not really important enough to mention; what matters is that The Thunderbolts arrive, and per-usual, everything blows-up in their faces. American Eagle kicks things off by shooting a freakin' harpoon through Moonstone's wrist, taking her out of the fight immediately. Steel-Spider does really well for himself, while Shadowoman barely puts-up a fight against Venom, so Eagle bails her out and more-or-less gets a future Booty-Call in return. Good on you, Jason Strongbow. Songbird and Radioactive Man, tired of the crazed psychopaths ruining their vision of the team, decide to help put a stop to it: Secretly contacting Bullseye, Songbird convinces him that his Nanochain has been disabled, and he proceeds to brutally-murder his two handlers and go after American Eagle.

American Eagle Slapping Bullseye Around

Silver-Spider continues to fight-off Swordsman and Venom, but after taking-down Radioactive Man, Venom has had about enough and BITES OFF HIS GODDAMN ARM AND EATS IT. Shadowoman and American Eagle get the hell outta there after seeing their buddy get ripped apart, however, Bullseye is waiting for Eagle in an alleyway. Unexpectedly, Eagle beats the living shit out of Bullseye, and to make matters worse for the killer, T-Bolts HQ just got word he "escaped" and fires his Nanochain, and while he's still being electrocuted, American Eagle super-punches him in the face and snaps his neck! Hey, Bulls...I told you so. Shadowoman takes a job as an International Bodyguard to get safely out of the Country, while Eagle gets a pass since he's the Official Protector for his Navajo Reservation, and was only caught in the middle of a T-Bolts arrest. Steel-Spider's a wreck, naturally, but imprisoned anyway. The arc ends with Osborn and a Doctor discussing Bullseye's condition, being that there hadn't been any data before about someone being simultaniously electrocuted and punched by someone with super-strength; in theory he could recover, but currently Bulls is catatonic, paralyzed, and unable to speak. Karma friggin' sucks, huh?

The other included stories feature a Bullseye/Penance team-up (Norman hopes they both kill each other or otherwise perish) where they battle AmeriCop, another murderous vigilante. Bulls ends-up having to snap Penance's arm to get him to unleash enough power to fry AmeriCop's brain (no big loss), and after a scolding, Robbie teaches Osborn a lesson about just how much control he has over his powers by destroying a $17 million-dollar piece of Norman's personal equipment, to which Osborn replies "He's showing potential!" The next reveals Venom's murdering a group of Agents that came to arrest him, and then going ahead with his surrender and joining the T-Bolts. Why did Venom bother to kill the Agents, then? His publicist told him his stock would rise if the body-count also did right before his capture. Good call. Finally, we're shown the original introduction of the new team as they hunt and kick the ass of a shlub named The Hurricane (no, not Helms!) in pretty rare, competent manner. Basically serving to show you each Thunderbolt individually use their powers on the poor guy, and then huddle for the cliche Group Pose! GO TEAM!!!

ALL-IN-ALL: I love Supervillains, and reading stories about them hunting-down D-list Superheros while they in-fight, plot against each other, and either fail miserably or go to extremes such as EATING SOMEONE'S ARM makes me smile endlessly. Perhaps that means I'm disturbed, but I don't care..."Thunderbolts" is a concept I can never, ever get tired of, especially when it features characters like Osborn, Venom, and Bullseye, with Songbird trying to redeem herself amidst these horrible, horrible people.

Warren Ellis knows how to write these kind of people perfectly; from Norman's absolutely maniacal dialogue and subsequent slipping back into Goblin-form, to Moonstone's arrogant manipulations, to Venom's struggle to do his job WITHOUT always having to eat somebody, and of course Songbird's constant having to watch her back and attempt to do the right thing while almost everyone else works against her. Ellis is probably my all-time favorite writer (this week), showing he can do everything from side-splitting black comedy (pretty much anything Osborn says), to drama (Jack Flag's insistance on doing what's right despite his girlfriend's worry), to horror (Venom and Bullseye), and of course all-out action. Admittedly, his characterization of women CAN be a tad distracting sometimes, such as anything involving Shadowoman; we're introduced to her after she's had a one-nighter with a dude she didn't even know the name of, which is fine, but that aspect of her character just keeps happening in inappropriate places such as when she blatantly picks-up on American Eagle in the middle of a huge fight. I had never heard of Shadowoman previous to reading "Thunderbolts", so I have zero idea if she's supposed to come-off as an insatiable hoe-bag, but I kept having to re-read her dialogue to make sure it was as cheesy as originally thought...and it was. Again, this could totally be on purpose since Ellis does do that sort of thing, but it feels out of place, here. Moonstone also comes-off a bit forced sometimes, just how BAD she is and how much she LOVES being evil, but I guess it's just a more over-the-top presentation of her character. However Songbird, as you can tell, has become one of my favorite female comic book characters, and it's all thanks to Warren Ellis, who with her proves he can write a great female voice.

Mike Deodato, Jr. is an incredible artist; everything looks detailed enough but also pulled-back enough to both look modern, and retain a classic-comic book feel to it. He can draw whatever the hell Ellis comes-up with, ranging from the inner-workings of Thunderbolts Mountain to a massive fight-scene with exploding cars, alien symbiotes flailing about, and Steel-Spider and his six arms shooting multiple kinds of weapons. He's the goods. One thing that only slightly takes away from Deodato's art is the goddamn face of Tommy Lee Jones he has given to Norman Osborn; it's obviously not that big a deal, as either the artist himself, Ellis, or whoever decided that TLJ was in fact born to be Osborn, but I've had a voice for Norman since the 90's "Spider-Man" animated series. Every time I read him in "Thunderbolts", occasionally that voice transforms into Tommy's, and hey...that can only lead to Bullseye sounding like Will Smith in my head, and I just don't need that in my life right now.

The back-up stories range from "Pretty-OK" to "Well, whatever". Lenil Yu provides some of the WORST pencils I've seen from him on the Venom story, where everyone that isn't Venom looks utterly amature or flat-out terrible. And it's only a four-page story. Marc Silvestri turned-in his most 90's-looking artwork he's done since, uhm...the 90's, but it's a throw-away story anyway so I'm sure his full attention wasn't given. The Bullseye/Penance tale is the best of the three, easily, if only because we get to see the duo pal-around in a motorcycle w/ sidecar. Greatness.

THE GRADE: For providing me with the best kind of sadistic entertainment (that's legal and doesn't involve a partner, anyway), "Thunderbolts: Faith In Monsters" receives:

FOUR OUT OF FIVE SLIGHTLY-DAZED WARREN ELLIS HEADS!!!

Now can you imagine how many I'd give "Nextwave"? Like, eleventy-zillion. Perhaps more.

31 Days Of Halloween: Day Four

2009-10-04T09:17:00.004-08:00

YOUNG FRANKENSTEIN by choffman36

I wanted a great pic of Frankenstein's Monster for today's selection, but instead I found this incredible portrait of the characters from Mel Brooks' "Young Frankenstein", one of my very-favorite movies that I don't own. Until now, because that's how the internet deals with my friggin' impulse-buys: They're RIGHT THERE TO PURCHASE. Anyhoo, enjoy today's "Day Of Halloween" as much as I do, and be sure to check-out the artist's page, and come back here tomorrow - or whenever - for more Trick-or-Treat goodness!

31 Days Of Halloween: One, Two, & Three

2009-10-03T19:52:00.006-08:00

I am totally ripping-off this idea from other blogs, and I'm not ashamed to admit it! Since I up and decided to start this thing on the third day of October, I don't have TOO much catching-up to do to accomplish the first-annual "31 Days Of Halloween" here on BMR! Every day of the month, I'll post a picture of something awesomely Hallow's Eve-related, kinda like a spooky Advent Calendar! Hope you enjoy!

DAY ONE...

MORBIUS, THE LIVING VAMPIRE by alecyl

One of the most badass images I've ever seen from Marvel's classic not-quite-undead bloodsucker, found on DeviantArt.

DAY TWO...ZATANNA & LIL' ETRIGAN THE DEMON by tsart

Originally looking for a scary pic of Etrigan himself, I found something...uhm...better. The artist, if tsart is their real name, did the world a service by giving us The Demon as Zatanna's magic rabbit-in-the-hat, truly a great idea!

DAY THREE...

ZOMBIE TONY STARK & PEPPER POTTS by Ferntree

And to finish the three-day round-up, I must bring to you one of the more heartwarming scenes from "Iron Man", where Gweneth Paltrow's lovely Pepper Potts must replace Tony Stark's life-supporting device. Remember? Where she reaches into his chest, gets stinky goo all-over her hands, and they have a kissy-face moment? Yeah. Well here, Zombie Pepper dug a bit further into Tony's chest, uniting the duo in undead bliss!

Check back tomorrow and every day further-more for more "31 Days Of Halloween"!

What If...I Bought Marvel?

2009-10-03T16:59:00.009-08:00

Ah yes, another ComicVine post, answering the big question: What if YOU had bought Marvel rather than Disney? Of course alongside mine and a few other really well thought-out answers, a bunch of the kiddies chimed-in with "Kill Wolverine! Enough with that guy!", where of course you could insert Deadpool, Sentry, Norman Osborn, or any other character that it's currently "cool" to hate-on. As usual, I got a tad caught-up in the question, and my imagination ran wild! Naturally, I could probably spend a week straight coming-up with more ideas, but these will do for now...

1.) I wouldn't kill-off anyone due to personal feelings; that's just a horribly selfish thing to do as obviously the characters that are around have fans of their own.

2.) Darkhawk, however, would be re-built into a solid, stand-alone character and given a real shot at success again. Chris Powell deserves your support!

3.) "Marvel Knights" would be re-branded as the hottest, most high-concept grounds for new, upcoming comic book talent to ply their trade, but in the "T+"-graded arena. Remember when Daredevil, Black Panther, and The Inhumans were featured as that very same kind of comic? Me, too. I'd love to see a return to importance to "Marvel Knights"...

4.) I would undo "Brand New Day", but in a way that's respectful to the fans of the storyline, but also returns Peter Parker to Mary Jane, the way it's just supposed to be. If fans just outright hate a married superhero, perhaps they'll give Darkhawk a try (I'm kidding...sort of...)! Something alone the lines of Peter figures-out what he did, has to do something for Mephisto to get out of it or whatever, and at the end of it we've got everything great the BND-verse has given us, only now Peter has been married all along. His time spent in the apartment he's in now can be explained as Peter and MJ maybe being separated for a spell (see what I did there?), possibly a fight over Peter's thought of revealing his I.D. during "Civil War". And yeah, I suppose we'd have to keep the "Magic erased people's memory" gimmick to keep his identity a secret again, but whatever...in a world where Mastermind can wipe the exsistence of The Sentry from people's memories, this is fine. This way, both sides of the Brand New Fence are at least mostly happy, and this leaves yet more openings for "Wait...maybe this villain DIDN'T lose his memory somehow!"-type stories, etc.

5.) I would hold weekly, open conference calls (for fans that are screened previously in case they're idiots) focussing on one character at a time, week-after-week. The forum would be open to discuss what they love, hate, etc. about the character, what they'd like to see changed and what they'd like to stay the same. I would compile the suggestions, and hold online polls (which would be heavily advertized) the following week to see if they indeed hold water. Majority rules, and the changes are applied to the character in question to see if this helps the popularity. This process would of course mainly apply to characters that are struggling to find an audience, so you know...they can find one.

6.) Enough with the nonsense...Clint Barton becomes Hawkeye, beating the ever-loving crap out of Bullseye and taking his mask back. When Kate Bishop confronts him about this, since she already has his approval to use the name, he says "You can use it all you want, but if we're ever in a team-up you're called Swordstress or something. Now get over it".

7.) "Nextwave" finds a home. I don't care if it sells three copies a month, the damn book gets published if I have to hold Ellis' family hostage to see it happen. Period.

8.) "Marvel Comics Presents Ultimate Comics The Comic Book" or whateverthehell they're calling it today, indeed gets a very REAL ultimatum: Decide what you want to do with yourself, or don't bother showing-up for work tomorrow. If Bendis & Co. truly care about their little continuity-free experiment, they need to pay attention to it and not allow the Universe to outgrow itself before Loebicron has to eat the planet again. Should they decide the 616 Marvel is where their entire focus should be, *Shrugs* Like I said, if the kids don't like a married superhero, hopefully they'll just try a different one. If a particular character just has too complicated a back-story for you to wrap your mind around, pick a new flavor to try. The Ultimate Universe was fun while it lasted, but I truly feel it's a wonderful way to cannabalize your own book-output. They can accomplish all of these alternative ideas in other places, such as...

9.) "What if...?" would return as a monthly book, possibly with mini-storylines if there's a concept that warrants one. Basically, they would mesh the old "What if...?" single-issue formula with the "Elseworlds" style. It's too good an idea to just do once a year, especially when ALL of the new yearlies end depressingly. THAT has to change, too!

10.) "WHAT THE?!" returns as well! I'd hire-out to comedians/comic geeks like Patton Oswalt and Brian Posehn to do stories, probably making this into a bi-yearly book. These would be all-out, anything-goes books in the MAX line featuring all your favorite Marvel Superheroes in the strangest, comedic ways possible.

11.) Jeph Loeb has his place, this I understand; his books sell too damn well for him not to. However, his place is NOT in the 616 Marvel Universe, not ever. Should Bendis and the others decide the Ultimate U isn't where they need to be anymore, I'd give it to Loeb to do with as he pleases, ensuring boatloads of cash and no silly Rulks I'd have to worry about finding a place for. If the opposite happens, he can have recurring roles in "What if...?", or even something like "X-Men Forever" where he just does whatever he pleases, only it MAKES money. And on that note...

12.) Claremont, I'm sorry...but I'm doing this for your own good, before you damage your tenure even more: *Mr. McMahon voice* YYYYYOOOOOOUUUURRRRR FFFFFIIIIIIIRRRRRREEEEDDDD!!!!!...There, don't we all feel better? Excellent. I'm sure DC would love your brand of Entertainment, Chris. Go ask...

13.) Solo characters get ONE ONGOING BOOK, period, within the 616 Universe. Should a character be popular enough, a mini-series here and there would be plenty, as would a double-sized issue once in awhile. I've argued for it because at the moment it's warranted but ultimately a bad idea, but giving a character THREE ongoing monthlies, especially one as trendy as Deadpool, is indeed bad. You're fleecing your audience which, eventually, they'll resent you for. Supply-and-demand, sure, I get it. But preying on the wallets of zombie-ish fans until they're just sick of the character isn't the way to go; output the single montly, reprint when necessary, appease their cravings with a special or mini or EXTRA-special guest appearance. Of course, a solo character could have a book in 616, "Marvel Knights", and Ultimate if sales so demanded, but they wouldn't muck with each other's continuity and make lunatics on the internet go crosseyed trying to figure-out the timelines.

14.) Cross-overs would happen every five years, at the most. Doing them every year back-to-back means you're just doing a huge mess of a monthly storyline where everyone's confused on what goes where and who's supposed to be in whose book. "Secret Wars", the original, was flat-out amazing for it's time and felt SPECIAL. Cross-overs now just seem like the new "Holographic Foil Cover", a blatant money-grabber, an insult. They need to make comic fans who are already hooked feel excited to be reading at the time they're reading them, more of a "You've gotten to know them personally, now watch what happens when they mix it up together" type of thing. Possibly return them to the titles' Annuals every few years, I always liked that trick...

15.) Kind of continuing from the previous one, I would put a limit on Guest Appearances and team-ups. Those would need to become special again as well, like back when Spider-Man showing-up in "The Avengers" was a seriously big deal. If sales on a book are down, sure, toss-in a Wolverine fight if it will help. But other than that, one team-up a year per solo book unless absolutely crucial to an ongoing storyline, guest appearances need to make sense and not be blatant, and cameos only if they add to the story. Characters that appear on the cover would NEVER only appear in a cameo; I don't run that kind of show.

16.) I would do everything in my power to get a "Guardians of The Galaxy" animated series on the Sci-Fi Channel, or wherever would take it, really. Nothing would warm my soul more than to hear John DiMaggio voice Rocket Raccoon...

17.) The Sentry goes into outer space and becomes entangled in THAT section of the Marvel U; he's too sily-powerful and just plain irrelevant to be on Earth, but amongst Gladiator, Black Bolt, Vulcan and the like, he'd actually have battles and team-ups that makes sense and he wouldn't have to just be a Deus Ex Machina his entire career. Thor nods his head, smiles, and bids thee farewell, "Golden One"...it's time for a REAL God to rejoin The Avengers! AYE, HAVE AT THEE!!!

18.) Marvel MAX Presents: "Alias For Hire", starring Luke Cage, Danny Rand, and Jessica Jones. That's all I should have to say.

19.) Dan Slott gets to write a "Thing" ongoing, for as long as he damn-well pleases. Like "Nextwave", I would FIND a way, or discover one if need-be...

20.) Thanos gets an ongoing that's not in-continuity (or is it?) where he kills your favorite character every month just to watch you cry. The Mad Titan watches you, children...

21.) The Fantastic Four aren't screwed-around anymore, and are shown proper respect with a writer that would surely give it to them (and really give it to 'em!): Warren Ellis.

22.) Back-up features would be mandatory in books $3.99 or more, even if they're printed on lower-quality paper to save money someway. If I'm having to charge more money, I'll include SOMETHING to compensate; four extra pages on newsprint can't be too much to ask.

23.) "Power Pack" mass-marketing children's campaign. Why isn't this happening?! Get kids reading comic books! The property is right there! Animated series, toyline, Halloween costumes, breakfast cereal, the whole nine. "Power Pack" would be the children's doorway into the Marvel Universe, starting with the Power Pack "Learn To Read" books, to the "Power Pack Team-Up" All-Ages comic where they meet other characters, which of course leads them to other books. Honestly, couldn't you see a "Lunchables Power Pack" alongside the "Power Pack Puffs" on a shelf somewhere? Come on, Marvel...

24.) Marvel MAX Presents: "The Incredible Hulk Meets The Horrible Celebrities", written by great celebrities. Tina Fey writes a Hulk/Paris Hilton encounter? Yes, please...

25.) I would lure Grant Morrison back to write "Spider-Woman", with instructions to re-confuse her origin, thus hopefully making a small portion of the internet explode. This is to make room for the new fans of COMIC BOOKS I'll be creating, not sterile instruction manuals that some rabid mouth-breathers apparently prefer. Not implying you have to love Morrison, it's more of a vague generalization...if you understand, you understand. If you think about GM writing Spider-Woman and your eyes begin to twitch, well, you're probably one of those I'm targetting...

Yeah, I particularly enjoy #20 for obvious reasons; whenever I come-up with a funny way to creep people out involving Thanos, hey, I've won the day. And on that note...

Wrilamean Studios Presents: The Atom Children

2009-10-03T14:42:00.000-08:00

Wrilamean Studios is my own, personal comic book company that doesn't actually exist beyond its name; someday maybe it will expand beyond the confines of my room, but for now it's all I've got.

"Atom Children" is the first comic I'm working on producing, which should appear RIGHT HERE as a Webcomic once...you know...motivation kicks-in and I begin to draw again. The details are as follows:

- Takes place in a Post-Apocalyptic Alaska, ruled by an all-powerful mutant dictator, Veni Vidi Vicci; think Dr. Doom meets En Sabah Nur mixed with a dash of Darth Vader, and you got it down.

- Stars, as the title may suggest, The Atom Children: a group comprised of real-life friends of mine and several made-up characters, all with mutant powers. They rebelled against VVV when he came to town, and have been chipping away at his Empire ever-since.

- One of the more attractive concepts, at least on a local-scale, is that the characters based on real people aren't just good guys; for reasons revealed throughout the course of the story, some of them turned to the dark-side.

- What would become "Atom Children" first began when I was a sophomore in high school, originally called "School For Mutants" and was a far-more tame storyline; as I matured, so did the book, and it's been through several drafts itself.

- The whole thing is written. I originally hired-out for an artist, but the quality wasn't what I was expecting so I basically had to cut my losses and start-over. Now I'm going to draw the damn thing myself, which of course could take forever. But let's hope not.

- I did, however, hire-out for a cover/promotional poster, which I paid quite a bit of money for, and got my dollar's worth: BEHOLD!!!

(Click for large version)

I couldn't find the original, unsoiled version, but there it is. As you can see, the subtitle is "Apocalypse Now...And Then!", which isn't exactly subtle in its rip-offery, but I'm in love with it so whatever. The cover features from left-to-right: Lisa (made-up chick who narrates the story), Bryan "Bubba" Whitson, Ryne Calhoun, Travis Miller, Sam Eames, John Jacobs, and Richie Whitson (of "Ultimate Fighter" fame! Yay!). In the background is my evil, alternate-self complete with dreadlocks and gun, as well as Jonothan Badsmile, the main antagonist as far as Alaska is concerned. The artist is a badass Malaysian dude that goes by Sinn Chun Hou AKA Sitomize, a true gentleman and professional. I recommend checking-out his stuff.

As with everything else, news on "Atom Children" will be random and whenever the hell I feel like posting it. Hopefully, as the poster says, work will commence shortly as it's already friggin' October, but who really knows...

Not-So-Bad 90's: Darkhawk

2009-10-03T13:10:00.000-08:00

I posted this on the ComicVine message board awhile back, and the few people that bothered to check it out seemed to think pretty highly of it. Darkhawk is a comic character that means a great deal to me, and lots of good childhood memories are attached to reading, enjoying, and discussing issues of his book. So one day I went a little nutzo, and reviewed Chris "Darkhawk" Powell's entire history, complete with nifty pictures! Want a history lesson of one of the most under-utilized (although he got a nice boost in Marvel's "War Of Kings") characters in the company's great pantheon? Read-on, dear reader for I give you the first entry in the "Not-So-Bad 90's" category here on Big Money's Review: DARKHAWK!!! *Applause*

"Darkhawk #1", March 1991

Trying something different in 1991, Marvel debuted two brand-new characters in ongoing series that hadn't appeared anywhere else before. One was Sleepwalker, the story of a young man with an alien in his brain that was only active when his host was asleep. Surprisingly popular with young girls, Sleepwalker had his own bizarre corner of the market, but his fellow new hero was something else entirely. Darkhawk was created by Tom DeFalco (creator of Spider-Girl) and artist Mike Manley, and featured troubled teenager Chris Powell, who while witnessing his policeman Father taking a bribe from a crime boss, stumbles across an amulet at an abandoned amausement park. Quickly discovering the amulet allowed him to switch places with a super-powerful android that he telepathically controlled (well, he didn't find out exactly what happened, but you get the point). Vowing to use this strange new ability as an "Edge against crime!", Powell began a new career as the adventurer, Darkhawk!

When his new life began, Darkhawk was almost portrayed as a "second" to Spider-Man, who guest-starred in Darkhawk's third issue as the two battled The Hobgoblin. The two street-level New York heroes ran into each other frequently in these early years, but others such as Captain America and Daredevil met Darkhawk as well, assisting in fights with Hawk-centric villains like Portal and Savage Steel, as well as The U-Foes and Toad's Brotherhood of Evil Mutants (from the pages of "X-Force"! Cha-Ching!). Thankfully though, Chris Powell began to find his own voice and character, the storyline of his Father's corruption and subsequent abandoning his family setting a very moody tone, especially as Powell struggled to care for his younger brothers while also having to be out crime-fighting. Things took a turn for the really dramatic when Tombstone, yet another Spidey villain, ripped the amulet right out of Darkhawk's chest, freezing him in the android body as he slowly bled to death!

"Darkhawk #11", January 1992

"Heart of The Hawk", as this new direction was called, was the biggest storyline in the Darkhawk mythos. As Chris Powell was frozen inside (so he thought at the time) his Darkhawk armor, he obviously couldn't attend to his family responsibilities, namely the safety of his brothers who were always, it seemed, targets of the Mafia. The most successful chapter of this period was Darkhawk's encounter with Venom, Marvel's Cash Cow at the time, who was still hanging-out on a South Pacific Island, thinking he had killed Spider-Man. Darkhawk had escaped Tombstone's clutches, only to run into Venom, who proudly gloated about murdering Hawk's buddy Spidey. Enraged about that bit of info and literally fighting for his life, Darkhawk lunged at Venom with his razor-sharp wings extended, forcing him to play dead so Darkhawk would go away. What this caused though, was for Powell to feel even MORE distraut that he himself became a murderer, "No better than his back-stabbing Dad", he thought.

"Darkhawk #13", March 1992

Venom Fakes His Death

Following "Heart of The Hawk" (he got the amulet back), Darkhawk became both a New Warrior and a very brief member of The West Coast Avengers, Marvel apparently struggling with what exactly to do with the character. He had begun to discover his origins, but Darkhawk was losing steam in a hurry. Having tie-ins with both the "Infinity War" and "Infinity Crusade" cross-overs didn't help much, and so Marvel pulled their "One Last Shot" move that was very typical for the 90's: The costume-overhaul. Daredevil got his wacky grey-and-red armor, everyone had leather jackets and those weird Gambit-masks on that Jim Lee blessed us with. Not one to be left in the cold, Darkhawk was given a new, streamlined update along his path to figuring out just where the hell the amulet came from. It turns out, the Darkhawk armor wasn't armor at all, but an android that had been laying dormant in an alien spacecraft within a dimension called Null Space. When Chris activated the amulet, his body switched places with the android while his conciousness transferred between bodies. The new costume/armor debuted when Powell finds a second amulet, thus trading with a different android body.

Darkhawk's Second Armor

While this change briefly shot some interest back into the book, it just as quickly left. Darkhawk became like so many other vicitms of the 90's, in that a character with so much potential in his beginings faded into obscurity with barely a whimper and a pair of shoulder-pads. Making it to a longer-than-average issue #50, "Darkhawk" as an ongoing comic book series was shot-down, most likely putting it out of it's misery. Why most likely? Because nobody, not even me, was reading the book when it was finally put to bed. However, the fact that it made it fifty issues could be a testament to someone's possible fondness for Darkhawk, most likely his creator, Tom DeFalco. Tom is known for being passionate about his creations, most recently being Spider-Girl and her title's constant battles with cancellation, a battle the book finally lost after a ten-year-long struggle. I imagine the man behind both characters felt the same way in 1995 about Darkhawk that he does now about "Mayday" Parker in 2009; like a proud Father, wishing the best for his children in one of the most shallow and competitive industries in entertainment. But in 1995, when his employers at Marvel were sweating over whether-or-not they'd still be in business the next day, books like "Darkhawk" were the first to be culled in the wake of Image Comics' rise to dominance.

Today, Darkhawk lives-on as part of Dan Abnett and Andy Lanning's ongoing Space Saga within Marvel's rejuvenated cosmic-themed books, most notably taking central stage as the assassin of Empress Lilandra (he was being mind-controlled). Before that, Chris Powell saw his cult-status rise as co-star of C.B. Cebulski's "The Loners", a group of Superhero self-helpers that debuted in the pages of the hit book, "The Runaways" by Brian K. Vaughn. So while the 90's may have crashed-down upon Darkhawk's head, at least his worth was recognized by a select few of the industry's best and brightest, a sure sign that my love of the character was and is validated, that I'm not alone. Comics still remain my main area of expertise, something I'll take to my grave as being a close second to the women in my life as my true love, and a greatly gigantic part of that is all in thanks to this guy...

Welcome To The Jungle, Baby! You're Gonna...Wait, Don't Go!!!

2009-10-03T12:33:00.000-08:00

Yo. My name is Ben Gebhart, and I have a lot of explaining to do...well, not really, but I suppose I do if anyone out there in InterwebVille really gives a damn who or what I am.

For starters, I was born and raised and currently live in Sitka, Alaska. The short-version is that Sitka's a small town, built upon a large island in Southeast-AK, cut-off from the rest of the world in that the only way to leave (or escape) is by boat or plane. Any further info, go to Wikipedia or just follow along...I'm sure you'll catch me either glowing or bitching about good-ol' Sheetka here and there. I've worked all-over town, but currently I'm the Office Manager (read: sole office-worker) and occasional "Warehouse Bitch" of a Coca-Cola distributorship, which basically means we stock and supply any business and grocery store in town that wants Coca-Cola products and various other things. Not too exciting, but I love the people I work for/with (strictly platonic though, I promise) and I get all the free sodee-pop I could want. Which is far too much.

As for the name "Big Money", well...there was a large part of my life where my main goal was to become a Professional Wrestler; I've since realized that's just not going to happen, but during this period of time I developed an entire "wrestling persona" in the vein of "Million Dollar Man" Ted DiBiase called "Big Money" Benjamin G. The name stuck, and several friends and aquaintances still use it to this day. And hey, it's pretty damn catchy! Now only if it were true, because if I was going for reality, this blog would be called, "Broke Ass's Review". *Sigh*

Anyhoo, this isn't going to be a usually-personal blog; you're not going to get deep into my relationship woes, or my day-to-day pissings and moanings about my ridiculously-easy job. No, this is going to be a blog that's as entertaining as possible, featuring whatever comes to mind that could be as short as a picture-and-sentence combo, or a pages-long review of a comic book run. Whatever the case may be, trust me: I'm virtually insane, I'm obsessed with all forms of geeky pop-culture, pro wrestling, MMA, and always have an opinion on whatever hot new celebrity, movie, song, or trend is happening any particular week. That, and I have a plethora of wacky friends (who I'm certain don't appreciate being called "wacky") that I'll steal from mercilessly, all in the name of entertaining YOU...The People.

Still here? Excellent. I'll be smattering the blog today and tomorrow with all kinds of older things I've posted elsewhere, so now they'll all have a home in a nice, neat package. And then as motivation finds me, I'll just randomly attack your very soul with NEW stuff, stuff that has yet to see the light of day...Or the terrible nights! So to close, I bid you farewell in the timely words of one Keith Giffen: "BWA-HAHAHAHAHAAAA!!!!"