The Weekend Warriors Wrap-Up!

Welcome to my little slice of Nerd News Heaven, where you'll find tidbits about whateverthehell I may find interesting, or have found interesting, about the past week. The order of News Items are random, as I can't be expected to remember that kind of thing...they're posted as my memory activates. So there.

• Seth Rogen's choice to suit-up as The Green Hornet continues to amaze me, but the guy got in friggin' shape for the part! Good on you, Seth! Anyway, pics of him and the Asian dude that's Not-Stephen-Chow can be seen Rightatthisverylink.

• For serial? Adrien Brody has been cast as the lead in Robert Rodriguez's "Predator(s)" movie-reboot. You know, I don't have so much a problem with this since the plot is apparently a spaceship full of random dudes, or possibly criminals or something, crash-lands on the Predators' home planet and they naturally become the easiest targets in Predator history; they don't even have to leave home. I'm guessing Brody will be "The Brains" of the outfit, considering the other guys cast seem to be a pack of bruisers reminiscent of the 1987 original. So long as someone's spine is dangling from a bloody, clawed hand before too long, I'll be happy...and it's NOT John Cena in the starring role, which has been rumored.

• One of my favorite lesser-known comic characters, Brother Voodoo, finally gets his (voo)due this week as the first issue of his ongoing series debuted. Having inherited the mantle of Sorcerer Supreme from Stephen Strange, the now-labeled Doctor Voodoo kicks the ass of Black Magic with his own mastery of the Dark Arts, something Strange never tried before. Outside the box, Steve. Check-out a great review of the issue, over at MajorSpoilers!

• Well...I just don't know what to think anymore. Marge Simpson has appeared "in the nude" on Playboy, or will come November. Now, cartoon porn has its place in this crazy, mixed-up world, because without it certain people would be robbed of their need to see demonic tentacles do rude things to unsuspecting, cheerful schoolgirls, and you DON'T want to see those kind of people repressed and frustrated. But...Marge? This is just a shade removed from seeing a best friend's Mother on the cover of Playboy, which is some cases may be OK depending on who we're talking about here, but in this case I just feel bad for Bart, Lisa, and Maggie. Homer's probably not too thrilled about it, either. But Moe? Moe is the real winner here, folks. He finally gets to see Midge naked.
  

• After pulling-out of the fight due to a torn MCL, Mark "The Hammer" Coleman will be replaced by Forrest Griffen in the fight against Tito Ortiz at UFC 106. This of course will be Tito's first fight in a few years, since he hasn't competed since his loss to Lyoto Machida. Griffin will be stepping into the Octagon for the first time since he GOT THE SHIT BEAT OUT OF HIM by Anderson "The Spider" Silva a couple months back, and while I'd usually be rooting for Forrest, the guy has become a straight-up asshole since he ran away like a bitch after the fight. Ortiz isn't much of a better choice to go for in my mind, but I'd at least like to see him win and rub it in a bit more in Dana's face. But if Griffen wins, he may have to rethink his game-plan a bit before getting back in there again...

• Matt Serra versus Frank Trigg? I'm fucking THERE, man!

• WEC 43 was last night, and what an incredible show it was! Each fighter was there to bring it, all of them just going buck-wild and swinging for the fences. I was personally disappointed that Donald "The Cowboy" Cerrone didn't pull it off and get his much-anticipated rematch against Jamie Varner, but Ben Henderson would certainly be the next guy I'm going to love seeing kick the shit out of ol' bitch-ass Jamie. I just read that Lorenzo Fertitta made the call to double the "Fight Of The Night" award for Cerrone & Henderson, which was a 5-round war, from $10,000 to $20,000 each. That's fucking awesome right there.

• Wanna see the craziest "Amalgam" of a Marvel and DC character? Head over here, and make Mike Sterling a regular part of your day while you're at it.
  

• HEY NOW!!! Hasn't even been a month, and already the first downloadable character for "Marvel: Ultimate Alliance 2" has been revealed: CARNAGE!!! While I originally thought to myself what a waste of space yet another symbiote was going to be in the game, I quickly changed my mind when I read about his in-game character. Hardly just a clone or skin of Spidey and Venom, Carnage is going to be an all-new character with unique moves and, well...fuck "Maximum Carnage" and all that, but I no longer care...he looks AWESOME.

• The Baltimore Comic-Con was this past weekend. The Mondo Marvel panel had the usual suspects of Bendis, Fraction, Aaron, and Claremont, thankfully no Loeb. Wanna know why thankfully? Because that allowed Bendis to take a few pot-shots at Rulk, and that NEVER gets old. Claremont spoke at length about future plans for "X-Men Forever", and the three people who give a shit squee'd with delight, I'm sure. After making the usual jokes about killing more characters people are in love with such as Luke Cage and Spider-Woman, Bendis didn't really say too much of note other than "The Siege", Marvel's upcoming mini-event that supposedly puts a stop to "Dark Reign", will shake-up The Avengers more than they've been shaken-up since "Disassembled" happened. And since they've more-or-less been fucked with constantly since then, that's a pretty bold statement. A portly, bearded fellow dressed as Thor chimed-in, soon followed by a kid dressed as Captain America and a confused teenager decked-out as Frank Castle. This all led to Bendis and Aaron getting ideas, so hopefully they all got really, really drunk that night and forgot about it.

• The quote/story of the week actually comes from the DC Nation panel at the BCC of all places, where a 56-year-old fan who had been reading Green Lantern since issue #4 closed the show with this heart-warming speech after explaining how he bought his first comic at a candy store for a dime: "Thank you, thank you, thank you for all that you've been doing with Green Lantern and the Green Lantern Corps. There's never been a better time to be a fan of Green Lantern". Aaaawwww...You know when you've written a story about Zombie Superheroes-turned-evil ripping the hearts out of innocent people's chests, and it's beloved by a guy who's been with the book since the goddamn 60's, you have succeeded. Geoff Johns, I salute you.
  

"CAN YOU DIG IT?!"

What If...I Bought Marvel?

Ah yes, another ComicVine post, answering the big question: What if YOU had bought Marvel rather than Disney? Of course alongside mine and a few other really well thought-out answers, a bunch of the kiddies chimed-in with "Kill Wolverine! Enough with that guy!", where of course you could insert Deadpool, Sentry, Norman Osborn, or any other character that it's currently "cool" to hate-on. As usual, I got a tad caught-up in the question, and my imagination ran wild! Naturally, I could probably spend a week straight coming-up with more ideas, but these will do for now...

1.) I wouldn't kill-off anyone due to personal feelings; that's just a horribly selfish thing to do as obviously the characters that are around have fans of their own.

2.) Darkhawk, however, would be re-built into a solid, stand-alone character and given a real shot at success again. Chris Powell deserves your support!



3.) "Marvel Knights" would be re-branded as the hottest, most high-concept grounds for new, upcoming comic book talent to ply their trade, but in the "T+"-graded arena. Remember when Daredevil, Black Panther, and The Inhumans were featured as that very same kind of comic? Me, too. I'd love to see a return to importance to "Marvel Knights"...

4.) I would undo "Brand New Day", but in a way that's respectful to the fans of the storyline, but also returns Peter Parker to Mary Jane, the way it's just supposed to be. If fans just outright hate a married superhero, perhaps they'll give Darkhawk a try (I'm kidding...sort of...)! Something alone the lines of Peter figures-out what he did, has to do something for Mephisto to get out of it or whatever, and at the end of it we've got everything great the BND-verse has given us, only now Peter has been married all along. His time spent in the apartment he's in now can be explained as Peter and MJ maybe being separated for a spell (see what I did there?), possibly a fight over Peter's thought of revealing his I.D. during "Civil War". And yeah, I suppose we'd have to keep the "Magic erased people's memory" gimmick to keep his identity a secret again, but whatever...in a world where Mastermind can wipe the exsistence of The Sentry from people's memories, this is fine. This way, both sides of the Brand New Fence are at least mostly happy, and this leaves yet more openings for "Wait...maybe this villain DIDN'T lose his memory somehow!"-type stories, etc.

5.) I would hold weekly, open conference calls (for fans that are screened previously in case they're idiots) focussing on one character at a time, week-after-week. The forum would be open to discuss what they love, hate, etc. about the character, what they'd like to see changed and what they'd like to stay the same. I would compile the suggestions, and hold online polls (which would be heavily advertized) the following week to see if they indeed hold water. Majority rules, and the changes are applied to the character in question to see if this helps the popularity. This process would of course mainly apply to characters that are struggling to find an audience, so you know...they can find one.


6.) Enough with the nonsense...Clint Barton becomes Hawkeye, beating the ever-loving crap out of Bullseye and taking his mask back. When Kate Bishop confronts him about this, since she already has his approval to use the name, he says "You can use it all you want, but if we're ever in a team-up you're called Swordstress or something. Now get over it".

7.) "Nextwave" finds a home. I don't care if it sells three copies a month, the damn book gets published if I have to hold Ellis' family hostage to see it happen. Period.

8.) "Marvel Comics Presents Ultimate Comics The Comic Book" or whateverthehell they're calling it today, indeed gets a very REAL ultimatum: Decide what you want to do with yourself, or don't bother showing-up for work tomorrow. If Bendis & Co. truly care about their little continuity-free experiment, they need to pay attention to it and not allow the Universe to outgrow itself before Loebicron has to eat the planet again. Should they decide the 616 Marvel is where their entire focus should be, *Shrugs* Like I said, if the kids don't like a married superhero, hopefully they'll just try a different one. If a particular character just has too complicated a back-story for you to wrap your mind around, pick a new flavor to try. The Ultimate Universe was fun while it lasted, but I truly feel it's a wonderful way to cannabalize your own book-output. They can accomplish all of these alternative ideas in other places, such as...

9.) "What if...?" would return as a monthly book, possibly with mini-storylines if there's a concept that warrants one. Basically, they would mesh the old "What if...?" single-issue formula with the "Elseworlds" style. It's too good an idea to just do once a year, especially when ALL of the new yearlies end depressingly. THAT has to change, too!

10.) "WHAT THE?!" returns as well! I'd hire-out to comedians/comic geeks like Patton Oswalt and Brian Posehn to do stories, probably making this into a bi-yearly book. These would be all-out, anything-goes books in the MAX line featuring all your favorite Marvel Superheroes in the strangest, comedic ways possible.

11.) Jeph Loeb has his place, this I understand; his books sell too damn well for him not to. However, his place is NOT in the 616 Marvel Universe, not ever. Should Bendis and the others decide the Ultimate U isn't where they need to be anymore, I'd give it to Loeb to do with as he pleases, ensuring boatloads of cash and no silly Rulks I'd have to worry about finding a place for. If the opposite happens, he can have recurring roles in "What if...?", or even something like "X-Men Forever" where he just does whatever he pleases, only it MAKES money. And on that note...

12.) Claremont, I'm sorry...but I'm doing this for your own good, before you damage your tenure even more: *Mr. McMahon voice* YYYYYOOOOOOUUUURRRRR FFFFFIIIIIIIRRRRRREEEEDDDD!!!!!...There, don't we all feel better? Excellent. I'm sure DC would love your brand of Entertainment, Chris. Go ask...


13.) Solo characters get ONE ONGOING BOOK, period, within the 616 Universe. Should a character be popular enough, a mini-series here and there would be plenty, as would a double-sized issue once in awhile. I've argued for it because at the moment it's warranted but ultimately a bad idea, but giving a character THREE ongoing monthlies, especially one as trendy as Deadpool, is indeed bad. You're fleecing your audience which, eventually, they'll resent you for. Supply-and-demand, sure, I get it. But preying on the wallets of zombie-ish fans until they're just sick of the character isn't the way to go; output the single montly, reprint when necessary, appease their cravings with a special or mini or EXTRA-special guest appearance. Of course, a solo character could have a book in 616, "Marvel Knights", and Ultimate if sales so demanded, but they wouldn't muck with each other's continuity and make lunatics on the internet go crosseyed trying to figure-out the timelines.

14.) Cross-overs would happen every five years, at the most. Doing them every year back-to-back means you're just doing a huge mess of a monthly storyline where everyone's confused on what goes where and who's supposed to be in whose book. "Secret Wars", the original, was flat-out amazing for it's time and felt SPECIAL. Cross-overs now just seem like the new "Holographic Foil Cover", a blatant money-grabber, an insult. They need to make comic fans who are already hooked feel excited to be reading at the time they're reading them, more of a "You've gotten to know them personally, now watch what happens when they mix it up together" type of thing. Possibly return them to the titles' Annuals every few years, I always liked that trick...

15.) Kind of continuing from the previous one, I would put a limit on Guest Appearances and team-ups. Those would need to become special again as well, like back when Spider-Man showing-up in "The Avengers" was a seriously big deal. If sales on a book are down, sure, toss-in a Wolverine fight if it will help. But other than that, one team-up a year per solo book unless absolutely crucial to an ongoing storyline, guest appearances need to make sense and not be blatant, and cameos only if they add to the story. Characters that appear on the cover would NEVER only appear in a cameo; I don't run that kind of show.


16.) I would do everything in my power to get a "Guardians of The Galaxy" animated series on the Sci-Fi Channel, or wherever would take it, really. Nothing would warm my soul more than to hear John DiMaggio voice Rocket Raccoon...

17.) The Sentry goes into outer space and becomes entangled in THAT section of the Marvel U; he's too sily-powerful and just plain irrelevant to be on Earth, but amongst Gladiator, Black Bolt, Vulcan and the like, he'd actually have battles and team-ups that makes sense and he wouldn't have to just be a Deus Ex Machina his entire career. Thor nods his head, smiles, and bids thee farewell, "Golden One"...it's time for a REAL God to rejoin The Avengers! AYE, HAVE AT THEE!!!

18.) Marvel MAX Presents: "Alias For Hire", starring Luke Cage, Danny Rand, and Jessica Jones. That's all I should have to say.

19.) Dan Slott gets to write a "Thing" ongoing, for as long as he damn-well pleases. Like "Nextwave", I would FIND a way, or discover one if need-be...


20.) Thanos gets an ongoing that's not in-continuity (or is it?) where he kills your favorite character every month just to watch you cry. The Mad Titan watches you, children...

21.) The Fantastic Four aren't screwed-around anymore, and are shown proper respect with a writer that would surely give it to them (and really give it to 'em!): Warren Ellis.

22.) Back-up features would be mandatory in books $3.99 or more, even if they're printed on lower-quality paper to save money someway. If I'm having to charge more money, I'll include SOMETHING to compensate; four extra pages on newsprint can't be too much to ask.

23.) "Power Pack" mass-marketing children's campaign. Why isn't this happening?! Get kids reading comic books! The property is right there! Animated series, toyline, Halloween costumes, breakfast cereal, the whole nine. "Power Pack" would be the children's doorway into the Marvel Universe, starting with the Power Pack "Learn To Read" books, to the "Power Pack Team-Up" All-Ages comic where they meet other characters, which of course leads them to other books. Honestly, couldn't you see a "Lunchables Power Pack" alongside the "Power Pack Puffs" on a shelf somewhere? Come on, Marvel...

24.) Marvel MAX Presents: "The Incredible Hulk Meets The Horrible Celebrities", written by great celebrities. Tina Fey writes a Hulk/Paris Hilton encounter? Yes, please...


25.) I would lure Grant Morrison back to write "Spider-Woman", with instructions to re-confuse her origin, thus hopefully making a small portion of the internet explode. This is to make room for the new fans of COMIC BOOKS I'll be creating, not sterile instruction manuals that some rabid mouth-breathers apparently prefer. Not implying you have to love Morrison, it's more of a vague generalization...if you understand, you understand. If you think about GM writing Spider-Woman and your eyes begin to twitch, well, you're probably one of those I'm targetting...

Yeah, I particularly enjoy #20 for obvious reasons; whenever I come-up with a funny way to creep people out involving Thanos, hey, I've won the day. And on that note...