Crisis On Infinite Earths: A Page-By-Page Commentary Pt. 2

Welcome. You know the deal...We're talkin' muthafuckin' CRISIS!!! On with the show!

CRISIS ON INFINITE EARTHS #2 by Marv Wolfman, George Perez, & Dick Giordano

CHAPTER TWO, PAGE ONE: We open the second issue at "The Dawn Of Man", where we're introduced to Anthro the caveman. Naturally, you're probably as confused as I am to be seeing a caveman here, especially when #1 ended with Monitor's reveal. Don't worry, it almost begins to make sense soon. Anthro jumps off a cliff and onto the back of a woolly mammoth, which Anthro refers to as a "serpent-nose". This is one of those times I wish I could smack Wolfman in the back of the head, because having to read a goofy caveman utter the words "serpent-nose" repeatedly makes me long for a Harbinger/Arion mini-series.

CHAPTER TWO, PAGE TWO: Anthro is apparently trying to steer this pack of stampeding mammoths (FUCK calling them that other name) away from his villiage, which is full of people that are either too dumb or stubborn to move, or they really, really want to see what happens next. Anthro's pregnant wife and father-in-law make comments both in favor of and against Anthro's plan (guess who's who), when ultimately Anthro indeed saves the day with seconds to spare. The caveman gloats to himself, all the while hoping his wife gives birth to a mighty boy, and not--*shudder*--a girl (that's almost exactly how they write it, folks). Embra, Anthro's wife, cheers him on while the doofus stops looking where he's going...

CHAPTER TWO, PAGE THREE: ...And promptly smacks his face into a tree branch. Anthro tries to cover it by claiming a big snake attacked him when he wasn't looking, only to gather his thoughts and see a giant, futuristic City in the middle of the forest. He runs back to the villiage and makes everyone come with him to see the City, only it's not there when they return. Embra thinks Anthro just hit his head too hard, and he quickly changes the subject back to the celebration in his honor. Meanwhile, a young caveboy wonders just where the hell the mammoths went...

CHAPTER TWO, PAGE FOUR: Back to the 30th Century, where The Legion of Superheroes searches for their missing teammate, Dawnstar. I know the LSH are immensely popular with the internet blogging types, but that's one DC property I'm too scared to try. Why? Because throughout DC's already-convoluted history, the Legion has been rebooted, re-written, killed, ressurrected, etc. more times than any other franchise I can think of. They're a team that exists in the future, and depending on who's writing the book at the time, this future is either an alternate reality or the definitive future of the DC Universe. Adding to the confusion is a roster that includes literally dozens of members, each with their own backstories that have been fucked with by DC Editorial over the years, and you've got one hell of a mess that I'd be shocked to see ANY brand-new fan willingly pick-up and devour. But the point is, as far as CoIE is concerned, the LSH appear to be the definitive future of Earth-1. Sorry about the rant, but now you'll know why I probably won't be going into any in-depth descriptions of any particular Legionnaire, besides of course Brainiac-5 who I understand completely: he's the descendant of the first Brainiac who is one of Superman's greatest villains, only THIS one is a good-guy. Simple enough. So anyway, a handful of LSH members look for Dawnstar, but are distracted when a pack of woolly mammoths suddenly appear in Plaza Square (remember them?), causing panic and mayhem. Police prepare to shoot the prehistoric beasts...

CHAPTER TWO, PAGE FIVE: ...But The Legion intervene! The LSH heard the mammoths towards Colossal Boy (he grows big), who's planning on scooping them up in his huge hands, boy instead the mammoths disappear into thin-air. The Legion are naturally perplexed. You know, I will give The Legion of Superheroes this: Their costume/character designs are almost always great. Wildfire, Chameleon Boy, and Lightning Lass in particular stand-out, and Phantom Girl looks like a hot 70's disco dancer, which there's absolutely nothing wrong with. There, I officially named everyone on the page. Any LSH fans reading this should be happy and move-along.

CHAPTER TWO, PAGE SIX: Brainiac-5 tells his teammates that there's a SUPER SERIAL PROBLEM now, because apparently the Anti-Matter Wave exists in the future too, and it's heading towards the 30th Century Earth! Cut back to the Present (July, 1985) where we find a mansion, which we're told belongs to Millionaire Harold J. Standish...or rather, his heirs. Why his heirs? Because HELL YES, The Joker killed his ass, that's why! The Clown Prince of Crime stands triumphant over Standish, who apparently owned the Copyrights on some silent comedy films Joker wanted for himself. Before he can get enough few paragraphs of dialogue out, Joker is interrupted by THE GODDAMNED BATMAN, who smashes through a window and simultaniously talks shit! This is how awesome Batman is, ladies and gents; he can both make a dramatic entrance and dress you down at the same. Damn. Time. Oh, and apparently he also solved one of Joker's "brilliant" clues to find him, too. I'll bet Alfred did it on the shitter just for kicks while Batman was fucking twin blond super-models and gut-punching Killer Croc. What, the dead Millionaire? Batman had to have a REASON to beat the shit out of Joker, silly. He doesn't do it for FUN, he does it for JUSTICE. Sometimes people just gotta die.

CHAPTER TWO, PAGE SEVEN: This will be continued...

Crisis On Infinite Earths: A Page-By-Page Commentary Pt. 1

Welcome to what will surely become the most ambitious, and therefore ultimately unfinished (probably), thing I've done for BMR yet. I spoke a little bit about DC's "Crisis On Infinite Earths" in my DC write-up, but I wanted to go a bit more in-depth with the book itself, because it's so all-encompassing and vast it could sure use a guide or two for outsiders to follow along with. What I hope, is that new fans to DC's wacky Universe may come across this commentary one day, and follow along with it as they read a copy of CoIE. Of course, I'm sure that's a pipe-dream if there ever was one, but hey...stranger things have happened! So without further ado...

CRISIS ON INFINITE EARTHS #1 by Marv Wolfman, George Perez, & Dick Giordano

CHAPTER ONE, PAGE ONE: The very first page of CoIE reveals the birth of the "Multiverse", basically a million alternate versions of the same Universe exist at the same time, just on different vibrational frequencies. This is shown as a bunch of planet Earths bursting-out of a single light in an otherwise-dark Infinitude (their word, not mine).

CHAPTER ONE, PAGE TWO & THREE: We're shown panic in the streets on one of the many Earths, with a blanket of white energy absorbs everything in sight. We're also introduced to Pariah, a guy with purple hair and a green robe that cries a lot and reveals it's his curse to observe the "...death-rattle of the Multiverse", and as he sort of attempts to save a boy (he really just wants to die along with him), Pariah cries some more about having already seen hundreds of Earths die before, and disappears again to witness another.

CHAPTER ONE, PAGE FOUR: Finally, some Superheroes! Wait...nevermind. Earth-3 is shown now, which is home to The Crime Syndicate Of America, evil and twisted versions of The Justice League Of America. Power Ring (Green Lantern) and Ultraman (Superman) are busy trying to plug-up volcanos in put out fires, repeatedly stating that with all their powers, they're basically helpless against the end of the world. What I always found odd about Power Ring, is that his logo is just some weird "X"-symbol, probably because putting an actual picture of a ring on his chest wouldn't go over well with his buddies, or they'd wonder what the "O" stood for. Still, he was a tad early to capitalize on the X-Men craze of the 90's, so who the hell knows?

CHAPTER ONE, PAGE FIVE: Owlman (Batman) and Johnny Quick (The Flash) are next, also whining about how helpless they are, and the fact that they've used their powers to make themselves Masters of Earth, but ironically now can't use them to save their own lives. The only real change separating Owlman from Batman, is that Owlie wears a silly-looking owl mask, which doesn't even cover his face. He looks like the sad mascott of some high school sports team. Alexander Luthor, who on this Earth is the only Superhero, flies around and witnesses the carnage, also discovering Super-Woman (Wonder Woman) propping-up a wall seconds before the white energy (revealed here as Anti-Matter) swallows her.

CHAPTER ONE, PAGE SIX: Luthor laments the death of his foe, before deciding to fly home to be with his wife, Lois (Lane) Luthor. They cry a bit more, specifically about how their infant son (whose name isn't mentioned) will die without ever knowing life. In a familiar development, the scientist and his wife have a plan for the kid!

CHAPTER ONE, PAGE SEVEN: Johnny Quick and Owlman die while the Luthors load their boy into an experimental space-capsule that Alexander apparently started building as soon as he discovered the existance of the Multiverse (they used to cross-over all the time pre-Crisis). Naturally, the capsule is only big enough for one person, specifially, one infant person. That's some great forward-thinking, Lex. Pariah also appears to see Earth-3 perish, and gets accused by Power Ring and Ultraman for causing the destruction. After explaining that he's just a witness who can only cry about it...

CHAPTER ONE, PAGE EIGHT: ...Ultraman shrugs his shoulders and flies into the Anti-Matter, claiming to fight to the bitter end. Quite frankly, it seems to me he committed suicide before he could be killed outright, but you can't really blame the guy for trying to cover it up by acting heroic. Power Ring's last act alive is to whine about being left alone, and then Earth-3 vanishes, seconds after Baby Luthor jettisons away. For the record, the word "love" is said four times on this one page, three of them uttered by Alexander Luthor. All this makes me want, is for Clancy Brown's badass Lex Luthor to break into the scene, and ruthlessly beat his goodie-goodie counterpart with a piece of wood. Yes.

CHAPTER ONE, PAGE NINE: Baby Luthor's space-capsule breaks into the Universe of Earth-1 (that's us...I guess), and reaches its destination of the JLA's Sattellite HQ. Problem is, the Justice League kind of abaondoned the Sattellite a few years before this, so Baby Luthor is stranded up there by himself. Ol' Alexander probably should have updated his mailing list more frequently.

CHAPTER ONE, PAGE TEN & ELEVEN: An ominous voice belonging to The Monitor speaks to a young blond woman named Lyla about the oncoming Crisis, explaining that their hope lies within both Superheroes and Villains. Monitor tells Lyla to "energize" while he retrieves Baby Luthor, and she bitches about her being Monitor's equal and that she'll do his work but not be his slave. Knowing what I know now, this comment seems strange and throw-away, like the creators quickly tried to force that concept down the reader's throat. "Now, before you get the wrong idea from two ominous sentances on one page, Lyla is NOT Monitor's slave-girl! She's strong and they're equals! Move along..." You'll see what I mean pretty quick...

CHAPTER ONE, PAGE TWELVE: We're shown Lyla's heavy-worded transformation into Harbinger, when she dives into some massive pit of swirling energy within Monitor's base. I have kind of a problem with the storytelling here, as everything has to be explained, detail-by-detail, in text boxes. They even name the character in text boxes. I don't like it when the characters I'm supposed to be following are so damn vague about their intentions and actions, the writers have to fill-in the gaps like it was a "Dick And Jane" book. Without the boxes, we'd have seen Monitor demand Lyla do something he referred to as ENERGIZE, and then watch her proceed down a mysterious tunnel filled with light, and then she explodes. But thanks to the text boxes, we know her name is now Harbinger, "And she fears what may come next". Gee, thanks text boxes! Oh, and before all THAT happens, Lyla wonders to herself if Monitor understands the risks in asking her to energize. How the HELL is the reader supposed to get that Monitor is asking Lyla to do something risky, when we have no goddamn clue what he's asking her to do?!

CHAPTER ONE, PAGE THIRTEEN: Monitor watches Harbinger rocket into space in her new super-powered form, all the while monologuing about how he's observed the Multiverse for months, and then second-guessing himself when thinking about the future. Ah, but screw it...the future will happen how it happens, Monitor can only help things along. Well, yeah! Every action you take decides the future! Thanks for clarifying! Monitor declares he NEEDS Baby Luthor, NOW! Cut to Gorilla City, which is a City inhabited by technologically-advanced primates hidden behind an invisible force-field (because...DC Comics, that's why). Here, we meet King Solovar, who is a gorilla with a white beard that wears nothing but a Dr. Strange cape. Meet my new favorite character in CoIE so far. Solovar is proceeding over the trial of an ape named Koris, who murdered a citizen, but Solovar is a kind ruler so the murder-monkey more or less gets off with a warning. Why? Because Solovar's got more important shit to think about, that's why!

CHAPTER ONE, PAGE FOURTEEN: King Solovar ponders why us humans aren't doing anything about the impending Crisis, when suddenly Harbinger shows-up in her new, Futuristic-by-way-of-1985 costume, complete with one side-boob showing and a metal garter-belt and garters...but she's not wearing stockings. Harbinger tells Solovar to come with her, but The King naturally freaks-out and promptly faints after his hand passes-through her. Gorilla Guards (who should have their own comic) try to shoot the hell out of Harbinger, who chastises them for shooting first before asking questions, comparing their actions to that of humans. Oh, how incredibly meta of you, Harbinger. What the fuck did she expect? Some space-stripper busts into the King's private chambers and renders him unconscious, a space-stripper that belongs to the very race the entire City is HIDING FROM no less, and she expected the armed guards sworn to protect said-King at all costs to what...Ask her nicely to surrender while she was in the middle of pulling a disappearing act? I can appreciate meta-comments when they're appropriate, but here it sounds forced and when put into context, makes Harbinger sound ridiculous. Which I suppose is part of her entire purpose, anyway. You'll see...

CHAPTER ONE, PAGE FIFTEEN: We're now taken to Metropolis in the 30th Century, which is home to The Legion Of Superheroes. Dawnstar is introduced first, who appears to be a Native American woman with giant bird wings. I'm glad that even in the 30th Century, there are still places for Superheroes with completely-useless powers as far as fighting evil is concerned. Dawnstar hears a strange female voice in her head, so she follows it into a rough part of town called Suicide Slum, which she usually avoids because it's aweful. So of course the best reason for going there for the first time, alone, is to follow a mysterious voice that you can only hear in your head. Good lord.

CHAPTER ONE, PAGE SIXTEEN: Arriving at some shithole, Dawnstar keeps following the trail until reaching a locked door, where FINALLY she second-guesses herself...for about two seconds, and then surprise! Harbinger grabs her through the door and they disappear together. So walking around the worst part of town wearing a revealing yellow bikini just randomly following voices in your head didn't work our for you, huh Dawnstar? Wow. Oh, and we then go BACKWARDS through time to 1942, which is also on Earth-2. Get it? Good. We meet a couple women at a Bond Rally, where the one named Danette lights a stove with her super-powers, revealing herself to be the Superhero, Firebrand.

CHAPTER ONE, PAGE SEVENTEEN: Harbinger arrives, freezes time, forces Danette to change into her Firebrand costume, a "Wizard Of Oz" joke is made, and they vanish together after Firebrand explains she trusts Harbinger, even though she doesn't know why. This time, after Harbinger and her charge disappear, a mysterious shadow-figure is revealed to be watching them, and laughs about it. Now we travel back to modern times and presumably a different Earth, but that's never stated on the page. Police are surrounding a building where there's a hostage situation in progress...

CHAPTER ONE, PAGE EIGHTEEN: Armed men threaten a captive woman on the roof, when suddenly The Blue Beetle (Ted Kord) enters the fray! YES!!! Finally someone besides a goddamn cape-wearing gorilla I can cheer for! Beetle kicks the crap out of the criminals, and even saves one of their lives when he accidentally kicks one of them off the roof. When I read this originally, I swear to you, I was half-asleep until Blue Beetle showed-up, a character I had only minimal visual contact with. I don't think I even knew his name. But after finally seeing some real Superhero action in this book after sixteen pages, even though it lasts all of nine panels, I was hooked. Blue Beetle saved CoIE for me, and I became a life-long fan to boot.

CHAPTER ONE, PAGE NINETEEN: While BB dangles a criminal from the roof (thought Batman was the only one?), Harbinger shows-up and demands the usual: "Come with me if you want to live". OK, she didn't say that...Beetle agrees, his reasoning being "Why not? It's a LOUSY night for TV anyway!", which translates to "Goddamn but you're not wearing hardly any clothes! You betcha I'm free! Can we stop by an ATM first?" At least he wasn't as dumb about it as Dawnstar, who basically fell into a Rape-Trap because she heard a voice in her head. We're now transported back in time AGAIN, this time 45,000 years in the past, during the Ice Age. Harbinger flies around wondering where someone named Arion is, when the laughing shadow-thing from before jumps into her body and possesses Harbinger! Her eyes go all black and she has an evil smile on her face, just in case you didn't get what happened.

CHAPTER ONE, PAGE TWENTY: Cut to Present-day Earth-2, where we see inside an unnamed Mental Institution. There, Harbinger has appeared and is speaking with Roger Hayden, AKA The Psycho Pirate. Hayden has been driven insane by his own emotion-controlling powers, and wants no part in Harbinger's scheme...

CHAPTER ONE, PAGE TWENTY-ONE: ...However, she manifests the Medusa Mask, which apparently helps Psycho Pirate relax (and harness his powers), and they disappear in a flash of light. Harbinger's tendency to repeat herself reaches a horrible new level here, where she says to Roger Hayden he's "Needed" three times during one conversation, and also tells him she has what HE needs. There is a lot of needyness going on 'round here. Now we're back 45,000 years in the past, and we finally meet Arion, High Mage and Lord of Atlantis. So he's related to Aquaman? Arion wanders around the slopes of ice, even walking past a frozen mammoth, thinking to himself about some weird energy he feels building-up, which also makes him more powerful. He makes an ice-bridge with a magic spell. I have to mention, Arion bores me to death every time he shows-up, and I'm not ruining anything when I tell you this is the only book I've EVER seen him in, or mentioned. That must mean he has even less fans than Streaky The Super-Horse, because THAT fucker has at least appeared in the last ten years. Arion, High Boring, Bored of Bore-Lantis? Nothin'.

CHAPTER ONE, PAGE TWENTY-TWO: Arion talks about his duties and how comfortable he is around ice. Probably because staring at ice is just as fun as reading Arion's dialogue. Harbinger shows-up and immediately Arion considers her appearance threatening, but while he's busy having an inner-monologue about how awesome he is, Harbinger just destroys his ice-bridge. Then, Arion proves to be the LEAST EFFECTIVE SORCEROR EVER by not being able to, you know, float or hover or levitate or SOMETHING that even goddamn Mickey Mouse in "Phantasia" would've been able to figure out in the time Arion takes to just fall down a chasm. He even says point-blank he can't conjure a spell of levitation. Why, because it might actually come in handy? You can creat an ice-bridge in two seconds flat, but hovering in place to save your life? Arion fails. In theory, a strong gust of wind could have blown him off that bridge, and he'd simply fall to his death. God I hate Arion. Anyway, Harbinger saves him of course (at the last possible moment, it says) and they went bye-bye together. Can you tell I'm getting tired of writing "disappeared" and "vanished"? My thesaurus is broken...

CHAPTER ONE, PAGE TWENTY-THREE: Back to Earth-1, and we're shown Firestorm, The Nuclear Man! Firestorm, under orders from a mysterious woman (gee, who?), melts through the wall of a prison where he find his arch-nemesis, Killer Frost. He melts the special ice-bars and wakes the captive Frost, who first questions Firestorm but quickly attacks him.

CHAPTER ONE, PAGE TWENTY-FOUR: Firestorm easily transforms Killer Frost's icicle-missles into flowers, because...he can pretty much do whatever he wants. Harbinger and Psycho Pirate arrive, and Pirate uses his emotion powers to make Killer Frost fall in love with Firestorm. Frost lights-up and kisses Firestorm, who wants none of her since she's more or less a living ice cube. I shudder to think about the whole "sticking your tongue to a frozen surface" physics in this scenario, and apparently so does Firestorm. Anyway, this begins one of the more constant sources of annoyance in the entire series, that being Killer Frost's pining for Firestorm, and his constant dodging and/or inner-consideration. "Should I?" Lock your dick in a freezer and tell me how great it is. No, dumbass...You shouldn't.

CHAPTER ONE, PAGE TWENTY-FIVE: Back on Monitor's Sattellite, he's...Monitoring...the group. He explains how another Earth has perished, and with it five heroes who we'll never know about died as well. Monitor also goes on about how he rescued Lyla (Harbinger) as an infant, raised her, and now she's going to eventually kill him. But that's OK, crazy space-stripper holds the fate of the entire Multiverse in her hands. Oh, good.

CHAPTER ONE, PAGE TWENTY-SIX & SEVEN: Finally, we're introduced to the entire team assembled by Harbinger; those that weren't introduced previously are either easily recognized, or probably not worthy or their own intro page. However, that doesn't explain why Arion got one. Maybe because DC knew ahead of time this would be his only appearance that anyone would ever give a shit about. New to the book are Psimon, a lanky old man with an exposed brain wearing a pink robe with the pussiest Supervillain name EVER. Geo-Force, whose biggest claim to fame is that he's the older brother of a dead Teen Titan because it certainly isn't his goofy name or terrible green-and-yellow costume. Cyborg, who is a founding member of the aforementioned Titans and finally someone people actually recognize and care about. Superman from Earth-2, who is extremely more powerful than Earth-1 Superman, but also a lot older. Obsidian, son of the Golden Age Green Lantern and he can turn into a shadow and do other creepy things. Green Lantern John Stewart, who we all know retired from active crime-fighting and now fights the horrors of American politics with his quick wit and cynnism. Oh, that's someone else? My bad. No, but THIS John Stewart is also awesome, and this was back when Hal Jordan was off "finding himself" with Green Arrow. I'm totally serious. Don't ask, don't tell. Last and thanks to his headpiece definitely least is Dr. Polaris, DC's version of Magneto, who took a look at Galactus' helmet and decided it was an excellent fashion statement. Also, his logo is a picture of a magnet, which he has put on his chest. I am TRYING to be positive, but Dr. Polaris is making is really, really hard, especially since he's supposed to be the hardcore, nasty villain in the room. I wonder if they put Psimon on the team for the sole purpose of making Dr. Polaris not look as bad, because at least Polaris isn't wearing a pink robe. Anyhoo, the assorted heroes and villains talk/argue amongst themselves while scary shadow-people watch from...the shadows, I guess. Arion gets yelled at by Dr. Polaris, Killer Frost keeps trying to fuck Firestorm (who as I said actually starts considering it), and Psimon of all people tries to rally everyone together, since he has a psychic-sense that's telling him danger is afoot!

CHAPTER ONE, PAGE TWENTY-EIGHT: Sure enough, the shadow-demon things attack, and everyone freaks-out except Harbinger, who just whines about being too weak to do anything at the moment. Obsidian wonders to himself about the shadow-demons' nature since he himself is a living shadow, and Superman-2 (that's his name from now on) yells at him for being retarded and to get back in the fight.

CHAPTER ONE, PAGE TWENTY-NINE: Dawnstar nearly gets her ass killed, but King Solovar bails her out. The two even have time to remark how crazy it is that they're an ape that talks an a human with wings. Oh, but shadow-demons, women made of fire, an old man with an exposed brain, and assorted dudes wearing bright-colored tights is TOTALLY normal, right? Blue Beetle jumps around, and the others discover their powers are practically useless against the shadows. Obsidian, helpful as always, just stands in place letting the shadow-demons pass right through him. Who the fuck brought him, again?

CHAPTER ONE, PAGE THIRTY: Well, it's about time! Obsidian discovers he can punch the shadow-demons, while Arion and Dr. Polaris scream idiot-words at each other and team-up to destroy one. Psimon makes fun of Arion, which I approve of, and when Killer Frost gets knocked off her ice-bridge (damn there's a lot of those in this story), Firestorm creates a bed for her to land on. See? The idiot spends all this time complaining about Frost's come-hither stare, and he does something like that and encourages it. Dick in a freezer, man.

CHAPTER ONE, PAGE THIRTY-ONE: Superman-2 announces that punching things isn't solving his problems like they usually do, and Cyborg is all like, "Yeah--So what ELSE is new?", which proves Cyborg is the shit because he sass-mouths The Man Of Steel. Everyone continues to bounce-off and otherwise be completely useless against the shadow-demons, and Arion finally accuses Harbinger of tomfoolery, which is about the smartest thing he's ever done. Suddenly the room fills with a blinding light, the shadow-demons flee, and everyone's left standing there wondering what the hell. An ominous figure (Monitor) explains that the attack wasn't planned but not unexpected, either. So perhaps better security systems next time? He offers to turn the lights off...

CHAPTER ONE, PAGE THIRTY-TWO: ...Big reveal! "I am...The Monitor!" He goes on to say that he's summoned the heroes and villains because their Universes are about to die, and that's officially the end of Chapter One of CoIE. The Monitor's design has always bothered me, because it's just...he looks like every character Jack Kirby began to draw and rejected, and then someone discovered this pile of failure, ate it, and took a shit. Garish armored costume complete with metal tunic, massive golden shoulder-pads, wrist-bracelets, and a pink cape. And of course he's massively ripped which you can clearly see thanks to his blue jumpsuit. Also, Monitor sports mutton-chops and a bizarre haircut that mixes Homer Simpson with a confused punk-rocker. This was one of those times when I originally read this book, when I got to this very reveal, I almost gave-up. I understand now that ESPECIALLY pre-Crisis, as it's known, DC kept it fucking real when it came to giving their various super-characters silly costumes that would never, ever, EVER be used in real life, or translated to a movie adaption for that matter. Now that I'm older and have done a lot more research and reading, I find that fact to be part of DC's charm. But back then? The Monitor's big reveal nearly scared me away from DC forever. When goddamn Dr. Polaris has to cover his mouth and excuse himself to avoid laughing in your face, you should maybe think about your choice of attire.

And so ends Part One of my massive commentary on CRISIS ON INFINITE EARTHS. I hope you enjoyed it, as I do plan on doing the entire series. This of course may take months to complete, but like I said...if someone, somewhere, someday comes across this and it helps them enjoy CoIE a bit more, if not understand it better? I've done my job. Until then...

Well, now I know which Corps I belong to...

This is the best thing I've seen in at LEAST twelve hours, if not more. Of course, anything involving Deadpool and several other characters dressed-up like him is a pretty easy sell with me, but I mean really...Marvel aimed directly at my heart this time.

So what's the deal here? Why does Deadpool suddenly have a half-dozen ridiculous dopplegangers? I haven't the faintest idea outside of Headpool (he's the severed zombie head of an alternate-universe Deadpool. Duh.), and I really don't care to research. All I know is, they exist as true Marvel Universe creations for real, and not the thousands of perverse Fan-Fiction I'm CERTAIN contain a "Lady Deadpool" of some kind within their horrid script, and this amuses me to no end.

Guy Gardner: Red Lantern, or Deadpool Corps hopeful?

Now if only Big Daddy Joey-Q and Boss DiDio could play nice and cross-over their respective Universes again, we could see the greatest, most illogical Corps yet hit the scene just in time for "Blackest Night"! Could you imagine? Guy Gardner and Wade Wilson on the same page? Actually, that's all I need to say. I've given myself enough of a nerd-boner.

Oh, what the hell...Dr. Betty becoming a Star Saphire! There...proper-fucked. I am SUCH a dork.

Just imagine Dr. Betty in a purple bathing-suit, and BAM! Star Saphire.
(She's on the right, BTW.)

The DC Universe: Wackiness.

Well hello there...it's been quite a long time since I've bothered to post anything, so hopefully this could be the start of an all-new period of regular, continuous posting on BMR. But probably not.

BATMAN: THE ANIMATED SERIES

One thing I've noticed about this site so-far, is my obvious devotion to all things Marvel Comics. It can't be helped - I grew-up reading "Spider-Man" and "X-Men", my only real exposure to the DC side of things being the original "Batman: The Animated Series". I loved Batman like most kids did, as Tim Burton's incredible first Bat-movie really set the standard for Dark Knight awesomeness at a very impressionable age. However, besides the occasional neat-looking cover, I was rarely inspired to buy the character's comic book.

This trend changed for a brief period of time when Batman and Superman became the focus of major media outlets, one for having his back broken and being replaced, the other for "dying". So for the first time in my comic-buying life, Batman and Superman were added to the mix that usually saw only Stan Lee-presented material. But as soon as "The Reign of The Supermen" was over, leaving us blessed with SuperMullet, I could never look Clark Kent in the eyes again unless he was part of the Justice League, where his omnipotence and boyscout mentality was at least tested and tolerable. Batman, on the other hand, recovered from his paralysis soon enough and Jean-Paul Valley, the psychotic 90's Xtreme Bat-replacement, was done away with, and I more-or-less followed the character from that point on.

SUPER-MULLET & JEAN-PAUL BATMAN: TWO FLAVORS OF EQUAL SUCK.

And that was the basis for any future involvement in the DC Universe at large: Was Batman there? Of course, this led me to Grant Morrison's "JLA" relaunch that helped key me into even more characters I grew to enjoy like Green Lantern, Martian Manhunter, and The Flash, but it was still hard for me to care too much about them when Bats was able to whoop the evil White Martians with his one super-power of BEING IMPOSSIBLE TO BEAT. The JLA consisted of five demi-gods, the weilder of the most powerful weapon in the universe, and a billionaire playboy in a bat costume, and which of those saved the day, always? Who got to sneak around striking fear into murderous shape-shifting alien fuck-heads while Superman got his invulnerable ass locked in a torture device?

Bruce Goddamn Wayne. This is why when it came to the DC Universe, you had better be at least considering a team-up with Batman if you wanted my interest. But lately, as in the last couple of years, I've truly made a very large attempt to immerse myself into what DC had to offer this whole time I was obsessively collecting every single Venom appearance or giving more of a shit about the evil Gambit doppleganger that showed-up in the Infinity War cross-over issue of "Nomad". Yes, people, the very vivid memory of an evil Gambit doppleganger and the terrible, goddamned AWEFUL comic he resides in is and will probably forever more take-up space in my brain, whereas I have trouble remembering what day it is sometimes. Comic books, huh?

JLA #1 by Grant Morrison & Howard Porter

So during my last couple of trade-splurges, where I spend several hundred dollars on "catching-up" on comics since I can't buy them when they actually come out, I'd say almost a good third of them were DC Comics. And no, I didn't just buy Batman books, either...although it was MOSTLY Batman. But seriously, I went and caught myself up on "Crisis Of Infinite Earths" which naturally REALLY opened my eyes to what DC was about, making me a life-long fan of Ted "Blue Beetle" Kord in the process. I'll have to tell the story of how I bought his first appearance on eBay, all happy and giddy, and not a week later DC fucking killed him. Actually, that WAS the story, minus the quiet sobbing into a much-read collection of "Formerly Known As The Justice League", wondering just who the hell Keith Giffen pissed-off so completely that they were now systematically FUCKING OVER his wonderful cast.

...Oh yeah, that "Formerly" book was also one of the biggest turning-points in my becoming a DC fanboy. I read several reviews of it as it was being first published, and then when the trade was solicited Wizard went apeshit about the whole thing and I knew it had to be mine. Thankfully, despite having ZERO knowledge of anyone outside of Blue Beetle, the book became an instant favorite. Max Lord & L-Ron, Booster Gold, Mary Marvel, all of them can be added to the list of ever-growing DC characters I began to cherish, thanks to how hilarious and smart (assed) the team of Giffen and Kevin Maguire made them. But then...then, my first real wake-up call to the screwy Universe that was DC happened, with a little book called "Identity Crisis".

FORMERLY KNOWN AS THE JUSTICE LEAGUE #1 by Keith Giffen and Kevin Maguire

Before "Identity Crisis", I had a very firm belief that DC just wasn't the place where you were going to see gruesome, real-life type violence. When I thought of DC, I thought of "The Super-Friends" before all else, because that was what my Marvel Zombie-rotted brain had been trained for. Spider-Man may have had some shitty cartoons in his day, but he was never a goddamn SUPER-FRIEND. But after I got my hands on I.D.C and saw Dr. Light burning and raping Sue Dibney, beloved wife of Ralf "Elongated Man" Dibney and a character I had JUST come to admire, well...I hadn't seen THAT in a Marvel book, that's for true.

I'm still not entirely certain how I feel about Sue Dibney's treatment (as a fictional comic book character, not a woman). On one hand, I was disgusted seeing the face of innocence and one half of DC's cutest couple get tortured and violated by a D-list supervillain. On the other, I tried to understand WHY they did it, in that the act helped explain how Dr. Light and other perennial failures went from being a serious threat one week, to jobbing to the Teen Titans the next; Zatanna erased their memories and altered their personalities with magic. Oh, and when Batman storms-in and raises a shit-storm of unapproval? They erase HIS memory, too.

The fucking morons.

So naturally Batman figured this out, he slapped around some of his teammates, and we all learned a very important lesson: Bruce Wayne would rather repeatedly have to beat the shit out of bad-guys and lock them away in a haunted madhouse than fuck around with magic. Oh, and there's something about Civil Rights, or somesuch nonsense. But fuck all that, you don't hocus-pocus Batman.

Anyway, "Identity Crisis" was the book that made me notice the DC Universe at large; after I had gotten attached to a few lesser-known but important characters, now they were suddenly being raped, killed, and otherwise screwed around with. Like I said, for whatever reason I hadn't considered DC would do anything to their characters outside "killing" them for a media-push, despite being well-trained in the ways of comic character torture thanks to the Marvel Method. Suddenly, I felt abused as a reader and a fan, someone who so recently became attached to these characters and now they were being picked-off for the sake of a plot device, never to be seen again in any way that would make sense to anyone.

IDENTITY CRISIS #1 by Brad Meltzer and Rags Morales

But that's when DC and myself had a little chat, thanks to a mini-series within "JLA: Classified". This was the sequel to "Formerly Known As The Justice League", which debuted months after Sue Dibney's mistreatment. Where before I thought the original "Formerly" indeed took place within normal DC continuity, but now I was being told it wasn't. The book's creators, Giffen and Maguire, were being allowed to play with their toys in their own little pocket of the Universe, self-contained stories where anything the characters did or things that happened to them had zero concequence whatsoever. This was done, I assume, to stave-off a bit of the outcry that came from fans of Sue and her wacky buddies, but I for whatever reason found it fascinating that as a fan of the team and the book, I was now faced with the fact that DC was totally fine having two different versions of them having adventures simultaniously and only one really mattered to the story at large.

Remember, my Marvel-infused brain made it hard for me to grasp things that weren't "in continuity" unless they had a "What If...?" or "Elseworlds" label slapped on it somewhere; what happened in "Web Of Spider-Man" related to what happened in "Spectacular" which carried over to "Amazing" and so-on, so across the pond at DC I expected the same for "Identity Crisis", "JLA", and "JLA: Classified", because nobody told me the rules were different. This of course loops back around to where I was getting to "Crisis On Infinite Earths", which I had read several times before, but I didn't GET just what the hell that comic accomplished.

The Flash bites it during CRISIS ON INFINITE EARTHS

See, I knew about the weird, campy, silliness of Batman and Superman in the 1950's and 60's. I didn't quite understand how the hell DC came to explain how the characters acted back then, because you know in modern comics EVERYTHING since the beginning of time has to be explained and accounted for in some way. But I never really cared enough of paid attention, figuring DC probably ignored all of the wackiness from decades past and allowed the characters to evolve naturally. Oh, no...that's not what they did AT ALL. What I discovered thanks to the original "Crisis", was that DC was willing, able and quite prone to RESETTING THEIR UNIVERSE. Seriously, that's the sum of what CoIE was created for: Installing and pushing a massive reset-button on their gigantic, convoluted cast of characters.

What I didn't know before this was that DC's most-used and, for them, easiest way to explain these annamollies was to create a brand-new parallel Earth, so if say you dug-up an issue of "Batman" from the 50's and he's running around as an Indian Cheif, that wasn't a dream or anything...It happened! But it happened on Earth-54832, fanboys! And what "Crisis" did was allow DC to more-or-less openly admit their Universe was a cluster-fuck of weirdness, clean house, and start from scratch. So now Batman always WAS the badass we know and love, Superman is only slightly-ridiculously powerful, and guys like Blue Beetle and Shazam weren't the bastard step-children robbed from bankrupt competition, they've been around the whole time...you just weren't looking close enough. DC had now freely come clean on the subject of their own continuity, and told everybody that everything pre-Crisis DOES NOT MATTER, that it was all funnybook nonsense and if you really cared for the personal histories of the characters, here, start from scratch and move along.

BATMAN: INDIAN CHIEF! What, you thought I was JOKING?!

Now that I understood the business model, I really started seeing the big differences in DC and Marvel. What happened in "Amazing Fantasy #15", the first appearance of Spider-Man, is what happened to the character, period. Peter Parker still recalls the moments from that issue to this day, as they were written in 1962. If you as a fan want to know exactly where Spider-Man came from, you can actually go back to the VERY beginning and continue all the way until...well, I suppose until "Brand New Day", but that's another story. But if you want to do the same with Batman, for example, you can't read "Detective Comics #27" and expect to find the same character now. In his first appearance, Batman uses a gun and kills criminals, two things any Bat-fan will tell you just doesn't happen. No, if you want Batman's origin the way DC would have you remember it, you go read "Batman: Year One" by Frank Miller, the story of which was partially adapted into the "Batman Begins" movie. This definitive origin for DC's franchise character, while great in every way, hit comic racks a good 40+ years after Batman himself debuted.

As a comic book fan who had been trained to be obsessed with continuity, this has always proved a problem and a hinderance with my being able to enjoy the DC Universe; I didn't want to grow too attached or worry about knowing who everyone was or how it all happened, because on a whim DC will pull the trigger and wipe the slate clean again. And what's twice as strange and frustrating for me, is that with the latest cross-over entitled "Final (We Swear!) Crisis", they went and reset things again...by making things like they were BEFORE the first one! So yes, now we have a bunch of parrellell Earths again where all kinds of wackiness ensues, and they killed Batman. Or rather, they omega-beamed him into the past where he's teaching a caveman how to draw bat-symbols on cave walls. No, I'm fucking SERIOUS. But you know what Batman did before getting time-lost/presumed dead? HE SHOT AND KILLED THE VILLAIN WITH A GUN.

Batman shoots Darkseid to death. WITH A GUN. My world is shattered!

Now, look...I'm not going to be another one of those whining, blubbering nerd-vacuums whose entire world was shattered because Bruce Wayne shot someone, but goddamn it DC! You did it to me again! I was told to believe you were the safe place to retreat to when I had had my fill of X-SNIKTBUBTWIPVENOMDOOM, but as soon as I think the water's fine, you go and rape-murder a favorite supporting cast member, another favorite supporter executes my favorite of your heroes who isn't Batman, and then Batman himself goes out in style by breaking his #1 rule and LAUGHING about it! And how do you top this masterpiece of going all serious and dark on my ass? Superman SUPER-SINGS EVIL AWAY!!! Are you fucking KIDDING me?! Clark Kent, in all his glory, turned "Final Crisis" into "Jesus Christ: Superstar" and sang a tune to dissolve evil after Batman shot it with a gun.

All I could find with this parody, but I assure you, Superman did indeed sing-away evil. Had he Rick-Rolled evil, FINAL CRISIS may have made sense to more people.

I...I just don't know what to say. My nerd-brain would have completely imploded had I not been able to accept the fact that DC Comics...are fucking crazy. They always have been, and apparently always will be. No manner of trying to invent their own continuity and rules has ever worked for them, so it's all out the damn window, now. Forget what you know, in fact, forget what you'll EVER know about DC characters; forget it as soon as you learn it. Batman is Bruce Wayne? Yeah, maybe for right now...but he also could have been Adam, the first man, because he was fucking omega-beamed into the past, bitches! And that's the beauty I've come to discover in the DC Universe, is that it is totally unpredictable, especially when you think it's MOST predictable, because that's when an alternate Earth's Superboy is going to waltz into the room, punch the very concept of space-time, and suddenly your dead ex-girlfriend is back and wondering why the hell you think she should be dead.

Because DC Comics are fucking crazy. They are comics made to test the limits of comic books, and just what exactly you can get away with when it comes to trying to make sense of the senseless. Unlike Marvel, DC can flat-out tell you at any given time George Washington was actually a time-lost Superman who had to get wooden teeth because Metallo punched him in the mouth with kryptonite. Don't believe them? Time-Punch, motherfuckers. BAM!!! Now it's canon. And that has become the norm, just as having a totally-connected and flowing timeline is the norm for a Marvel character. The closest Marvel has come to following the DC Method was the aforementioned "Brand New Day", where Spider-Man made a deal with the devil that saw his Aunt May get saved but his marriage to Mary Jane was erased from continuity. Pros and cons aside, the concept went-over about as well as a fart in church when it first hit, because now for the first time ever Marvel was telling us a very large portion of a character's continuity was meaningless. Such a jarring change to the status quo was rightfully unwelcome at Marvel, but over at DC they've been doing that shit for decades.

I bet Spidey would love to Time-Punch Joe Quesada in the dick.

I guess what I'm trying to say is...I appreciate what DC Comics is, in that it's a comic book company that does whatever it can to remain exactly that: A comic book company. They are superheroes and villains and other completely-fictional characters who exist in a completely-fictional Universe where there are absolutely no rules, because why should there be? Why can't there be an omnipotent asshole that can punch time and change history? Why can't there be 52 versions of Bruce Wayne all at the same time just in case someone wants to write a new take on why exactly he had a rainbow-colored costume that one time? Comics should only be limited by the imagination, after all. Marvel has the market pretty-well cornered as far as being a massive fictional Universe where everything is connected and has a rich, singular history, and it's completely awesome. I love Marvel, still more than DC, but mostly because that's where I got my start. I now love and respect DC for being the alternative, the place where I don't necessarily have to understand what's going-on at any given time, but that anything is certainly possible.

And I like that.

To close, I've unearthed some amazing documents depicting, finally, the one true history of the DC Universe as you should know and understand it. Follow along, won't you? (click images to enlarge)

Yes indeed, every man, woman, and child owes their lineage to The Dark Knight. I told you all before, he was omega-beamed into the past. You think Batman isn't going to make nice with the ONLY woman around? Please. But also feeling the need to disguise himself from her, also serving as the only other person alive? Bruce, you may be obsessed a little. I mean, it's not like the Joker-Snake gives a shit who you are.

And of course, who could forget the very reason we all celebrate Grodd Columbus Day? Or at least, why all the goddamn banks and post offices are closed. It's all thanks to one gorilla with a dream, a vision of pilliaging the New World and enslaving its people. And he would've gotten away with it too, if it weren't for that meddling Native Flash! GRODD!!!

Then there was the time our beloved President Abraham (Brainiac) Lincoln was beseiged by some fucking moron with an Inspector Gadget arm coming out of his chest? Nobody, that's who!

We all recall the story of Clark Kent being a retard, brutally assassinating the first-ever President with a middle-name in perenthesis, when Brainiac was actually doing a really nice job and was trying to turn-over a new leaf and freed a lot of slaves. You know the real lesson learned from this moment in history, folks? SUPERMAN HATES BLACK PEOPLE.

Yeah, I said it.

This...This is Batman having an underwater adventure, wearing bat-flippers and a 50's deep-sea diver helmet, with a Bat-Signal MADE OF FISH in the background. Oh, and why yes...That is a motherfucking SQUID wearing Robin's domino mask. It's not really a significant moment in history, I'm just in love with it. Everything about it.

They call him "The Darksea Detective". He is shouting "TO THE BATFISH!!!" at his GODDAMNED SQUID SIDE-KICK, who wears a domino mask to DISQUISE HIMSELF from OTHER SQUIDS. I am so in love with this masterpiece, I will invent a way to impregnate it - or for it to impregnate me, let's be honest - and create beautiful, horrible children with it.

If this DIDN'T happen at some point in DC's long history, I can't think of a worse crime that's ever been commited. That is all.

Oh, you thought I wouldn't travel THIS darkened road of DC's history-highway, did you? I'm afraid you've either underestimated my Kent-loathing, or overestimated my respect for the character. See, I respect the fact that Supes was technically the first-ever superhero, and that he's a true representation of Americana, an icon, blah-blah-blah yakkity-shmackity. But you know what I DON'T respect? What I absolutely won't tolerate, no matter who you are or what your contributions to modern culture?

Child. Abuse.

You can't super-sweep this one under the rug, Clark. It was bound to catch-up to you sooner or later, and here we are...Later. For all the world to see, first your time-traveling escapades of freedom-hating murder, and now THIS horrifying display of---

Oh, the kid's all upset because you're really Clark Kent and that was a big let-down for him? What, was he expecting Brad Pitt or Spongebob Squarepants or someone else he actually KNEW? Ah, so he's just fucking stupid, then. He's crying because he got his hopes up Superman spent his free time as one of Ben 10's Alien Force or some shit, and not actually some dumb-fuck reporter from Kansas. No intent of molestation, then. Gotcha.

You should really try not to pull-off your clothes in the presence of a crying boy face-down on a bed, Superman. It really doesn't look good at all.