CRISIS ON INFINITE EARTHS #1 by Marv Wolfman, George Perez, & Dick GiordanoCHAPTER ONE, PAGE ONE: The very first page of CoIE reveals the birth of the "Multiverse", basically a million alternate versions of the same Universe exist at the same time, just on different vibrational frequencies. This is shown as a bunch of planet Earths bursting-out of a single light in an otherwise-dark Infinitude (their word, not mine).
CHAPTER ONE, PAGE TWO & THREE: We're shown panic in the streets on one of the many Earths, with a blanket of white energy absorbs everything in sight. We're also introduced to Pariah, a guy with purple hair and a green robe that cries a lot and reveals it's his curse to observe the "...death-rattle of the Multiverse", and as he sort of attempts to save a boy (he really just wants to die along with him), Pariah cries some more about having already seen hundreds of Earths die before, and disappears again to witness another.
CHAPTER ONE, PAGE FOUR: Finally, some Superheroes! Wait...nevermind. Earth-3 is shown now, which is home to The Crime Syndicate Of America, evil and twisted versions of The Justice League Of America. Power Ring (Green Lantern) and Ultraman (Superman) are busy trying to plug-up volcanos in put out fires, repeatedly stating that with all their powers, they're basically helpless against the end of the world. What I always found odd about Power Ring, is that his logo is just some weird "X"-symbol, probably because putting an actual picture of a ring on his chest wouldn't go over well with his buddies, or they'd wonder what the "O" stood for. Still, he was a tad early to capitalize on the X-Men craze of the 90's, so who the hell knows?
CHAPTER ONE, PAGE FIVE: Owlman (Batman) and Johnny Quick (The Flash) are next, also whining about how helpless they are, and the fact that they've used their powers to make themselves Masters of Earth, but ironically now can't use them to save their own lives. The only real change separating Owlman from Batman, is that Owlie wears a silly-looking owl mask, which doesn't even cover his face. He looks like the sad mascott of some high school sports team. Alexander Luthor, who on this Earth is the only Superhero, flies around and witnesses the carnage, also discovering Super-Woman (Wonder Woman) propping-up a wall seconds before the white energy (revealed here as Anti-Matter) swallows her.
CHAPTER ONE, PAGE SIX: Luthor laments the death of his foe, before deciding to fly home to be with his wife, Lois (Lane) Luthor. They cry a bit more, specifically about how their infant son (whose name isn't mentioned) will die without ever knowing life. In a familiar development, the scientist and his wife have a plan for the kid!
CHAPTER ONE, PAGE SEVEN: Johnny Quick and Owlman die while the Luthors load their boy into an experimental space-capsule that Alexander apparently started building as soon as he discovered the existance of the Multiverse (they used to cross-over all the time pre-Crisis). Naturally, the capsule is only big enough for one person, specifially, one infant person. That's some great forward-thinking, Lex. Pariah also appears to see Earth-3 perish, and gets accused by Power Ring and Ultraman for causing the destruction. After explaining that he's just a witness who can only cry about it...
CHAPTER ONE, PAGE EIGHT: ...Ultraman shrugs his shoulders and flies into the Anti-Matter, claiming to fight to the bitter end. Quite frankly, it seems to me he committed suicide before he could be killed outright, but you can't really blame the guy for trying to cover it up by acting heroic. Power Ring's last act alive is to whine about being left alone, and then Earth-3 vanishes, seconds after Baby Luthor jettisons away. For the record, the word "love" is said four times on this one page, three of them uttered by Alexander Luthor. All this makes me want, is for Clancy Brown's badass Lex Luthor to break into the scene, and ruthlessly beat his goodie-goodie counterpart with a piece of wood. Yes.
CHAPTER ONE, PAGE NINE: Baby Luthor's space-capsule breaks into the Universe of Earth-1 (that's us...I guess), and reaches its destination of the JLA's Sattellite HQ. Problem is, the Justice League kind of abaondoned the Sattellite a few years before this, so Baby Luthor is stranded up there by himself. Ol' Alexander probably should have updated his mailing list more frequently.
CHAPTER ONE, PAGE TEN & ELEVEN: An ominous voice belonging to The Monitor speaks to a young blond woman named Lyla about the oncoming Crisis, explaining that their hope lies within both Superheroes and Villains. Monitor tells Lyla to "energize" while he retrieves Baby Luthor, and she bitches about her being Monitor's equal and that she'll do his work but not be his slave. Knowing what I know now, this comment seems strange and throw-away, like the creators quickly tried to force that concept down the reader's throat. "Now, before you get the wrong idea from two ominous sentances on one page, Lyla is NOT Monitor's slave-girl! She's strong and they're equals! Move along..." You'll see what I mean pretty quick...
CHAPTER ONE, PAGE TWELVE: We're shown Lyla's heavy-worded transformation into Harbinger, when she dives into some massive pit of swirling energy within Monitor's base. I have kind of a problem with the storytelling here, as everything has to be explained, detail-by-detail, in text boxes. They even name the character in text boxes. I don't like it when the characters I'm supposed to be following are so damn vague about their intentions and actions, the writers have to fill-in the gaps like it was a "Dick And Jane" book. Without the boxes, we'd have seen Monitor demand Lyla do something he referred to as ENERGIZE, and then watch her proceed down a mysterious tunnel filled with light, and then she explodes. But thanks to the text boxes, we know her name is now Harbinger, "And she fears what may come next". Gee, thanks text boxes! Oh, and before all THAT happens, Lyla wonders to herself if Monitor understands the risks in asking her to energize. How the HELL is the reader supposed to get that Monitor is asking Lyla to do something risky, when we have no goddamn clue what he's asking her to do?!
CHAPTER ONE, PAGE THIRTEEN: Monitor watches Harbinger rocket into space in her new super-powered form, all the while monologuing about how he's observed the Multiverse for months, and then second-guessing himself when thinking about the future. Ah, but screw it...the future will happen how it happens, Monitor can only help things along. Well, yeah! Every action you take decides the future! Thanks for clarifying! Monitor declares he NEEDS Baby Luthor, NOW! Cut to Gorilla City, which is a City inhabited by technologically-advanced primates hidden behind an invisible force-field (because...DC Comics, that's why). Here, we meet King Solovar, who is a gorilla with a white beard that wears nothing but a Dr. Strange cape. Meet my new favorite character in CoIE so far. Solovar is proceeding over the trial of an ape named Koris, who murdered a citizen, but Solovar is a kind ruler so the murder-monkey more or less gets off with a warning. Why? Because Solovar's got more important shit to think about, that's why!
CHAPTER ONE, PAGE FOURTEEN: King Solovar ponders why us humans aren't doing anything about the impending Crisis, when suddenly Harbinger shows-up in her new, Futuristic-by-way-of-1985 costume, complete with one side-boob showing and a metal garter-belt and garters...but she's not wearing stockings. Harbinger tells Solovar to come with her, but The King naturally freaks-out and promptly faints after his hand passes-through her. Gorilla Guards (who should have their own comic) try to shoot the hell out of Harbinger, who chastises them for shooting first before asking questions, comparing their actions to that of humans. Oh, how incredibly meta of you, Harbinger. What the fuck did she expect? Some space-stripper busts into the King's private chambers and renders him unconscious, a space-stripper that belongs to the very race the entire City is HIDING FROM no less, and she expected the armed guards sworn to protect said-King at all costs to what...Ask her nicely to surrender while she was in the middle of pulling a disappearing act? I can appreciate meta-comments when they're appropriate, but here it sounds forced and when put into context, makes Harbinger sound ridiculous. Which I suppose is part of her entire purpose, anyway. You'll see...
CHAPTER ONE, PAGE FIFTEEN: We're now taken to Metropolis in the 30th Century, which is home to The Legion Of Superheroes. Dawnstar is introduced first, who appears to be a Native American woman with giant bird wings. I'm glad that even in the 30th Century, there are still places for Superheroes with completely-useless powers as far as fighting evil is concerned. Dawnstar hears a strange female voice in her head, so she follows it into a rough part of town called Suicide Slum, which she usually avoids because it's aweful. So of course the best reason for going there for the first time, alone, is to follow a mysterious voice that you can only hear in your head. Good lord.
CHAPTER ONE, PAGE SIXTEEN: Arriving at some shithole, Dawnstar keeps following the trail until reaching a locked door, where FINALLY she second-guesses herself...for about two seconds, and then surprise! Harbinger grabs her through the door and they disappear together. So walking around the worst part of town wearing a revealing yellow bikini just randomly following voices in your head didn't work our for you, huh Dawnstar? Wow. Oh, and we then go BACKWARDS through time to 1942, which is also on Earth-2. Get it? Good. We meet a couple women at a Bond Rally, where the one named Danette lights a stove with her super-powers, revealing herself to be the Superhero, Firebrand.
CHAPTER ONE, PAGE SEVENTEEN: Harbinger arrives, freezes time, forces Danette to change into her Firebrand costume, a "Wizard Of Oz" joke is made, and they vanish together after Firebrand explains she trusts Harbinger, even though she doesn't know why. This time, after Harbinger and her charge disappear, a mysterious shadow-figure is revealed to be watching them, and laughs about it. Now we travel back to modern times and presumably a different Earth, but that's never stated on the page. Police are surrounding a building where there's a hostage situation in progress...
CHAPTER ONE, PAGE EIGHTEEN: Armed men threaten a captive woman on the roof, when suddenly The Blue Beetle (Ted Kord) enters the fray! YES!!! Finally someone besides a goddamn cape-wearing gorilla I can cheer for! Beetle kicks the crap out of the criminals, and even saves one of their lives when he accidentally kicks one of them off the roof. When I read this originally, I swear to you, I was half-asleep until Blue Beetle showed-up, a character I had only minimal visual contact with. I don't think I even knew his name. But after finally seeing some real Superhero action in this book after sixteen pages, even though it lasts all of nine panels, I was hooked. Blue Beetle saved CoIE for me, and I became a life-long fan to boot.
CHAPTER ONE, PAGE NINETEEN: While BB dangles a criminal from the roof (thought Batman was the only one?), Harbinger shows-up and demands the usual: "Come with me if you want to live". OK, she didn't say that...Beetle agrees, his reasoning being "Why not? It's a LOUSY night for TV anyway!", which translates to "Goddamn but you're not wearing hardly any clothes! You betcha I'm free! Can we stop by an ATM first?" At least he wasn't as dumb about it as Dawnstar, who basically fell into a Rape-Trap because she heard a voice in her head. We're now transported back in time AGAIN, this time 45,000 years in the past, during the Ice Age. Harbinger flies around wondering where someone named Arion is, when the laughing shadow-thing from before jumps into her body and possesses Harbinger! Her eyes go all black and she has an evil smile on her face, just in case you didn't get what happened.
CHAPTER ONE, PAGE TWENTY: Cut to Present-day Earth-2, where we see inside an unnamed Mental Institution. There, Harbinger has appeared and is speaking with Roger Hayden, AKA The Psycho Pirate. Hayden has been driven insane by his own emotion-controlling powers, and wants no part in Harbinger's scheme...
CHAPTER ONE, PAGE TWENTY-ONE: ...However, she manifests the Medusa Mask, which apparently helps Psycho Pirate relax (and harness his powers), and they disappear in a flash of light. Harbinger's tendency to repeat herself reaches a horrible new level here, where she says to Roger Hayden he's "Needed" three times during one conversation, and also tells him she has what HE needs. There is a lot of needyness going on 'round here. Now we're back 45,000 years in the past, and we finally meet Arion, High Mage and Lord of Atlantis. So he's related to Aquaman? Arion wanders around the slopes of ice, even walking past a frozen mammoth, thinking to himself about some weird energy he feels building-up, which also makes him more powerful. He makes an ice-bridge with a magic spell. I have to mention, Arion bores me to death every time he shows-up, and I'm not ruining anything when I tell you this is the only book I've EVER seen him in, or mentioned. That must mean he has even less fans than Streaky The Super-Horse, because THAT fucker has at least appeared in the last ten years. Arion, High Boring, Bored of Bore-Lantis? Nothin'.
CHAPTER ONE, PAGE TWENTY-TWO: Arion talks about his duties and how comfortable he is around ice. Probably because staring at ice is just as fun as reading Arion's dialogue. Harbinger shows-up and immediately Arion considers her appearance threatening, but while he's busy having an inner-monologue about how awesome he is, Harbinger just destroys his ice-bridge. Then, Arion proves to be the LEAST EFFECTIVE SORCEROR EVER by not being able to, you know, float or hover or levitate or SOMETHING that even goddamn Mickey Mouse in "Phantasia" would've been able to figure out in the time Arion takes to just fall down a chasm. He even says point-blank he can't conjure a spell of levitation. Why, because it might actually come in handy? You can creat an ice-bridge in two seconds flat, but hovering in place to save your life? Arion fails. In theory, a strong gust of wind could have blown him off that bridge, and he'd simply fall to his death. God I hate Arion. Anyway, Harbinger saves him of course (at the last possible moment, it says) and they went bye-bye together. Can you tell I'm getting tired of writing "disappeared" and "vanished"? My thesaurus is broken...
CHAPTER ONE, PAGE TWENTY-THREE: Back to Earth-1, and we're shown Firestorm, The Nuclear Man! Firestorm, under orders from a mysterious woman (gee, who?), melts through the wall of a prison where he find his arch-nemesis, Killer Frost. He melts the special ice-bars and wakes the captive Frost, who first questions Firestorm but quickly attacks him.
CHAPTER ONE, PAGE TWENTY-FOUR: Firestorm easily transforms Killer Frost's icicle-missles into flowers, because...he can pretty much do whatever he wants. Harbinger and Psycho Pirate arrive, and Pirate uses his emotion powers to make Killer Frost fall in love with Firestorm. Frost lights-up and kisses Firestorm, who wants none of her since she's more or less a living ice cube. I shudder to think about the whole "sticking your tongue to a frozen surface" physics in this scenario, and apparently so does Firestorm. Anyway, this begins one of the more constant sources of annoyance in the entire series, that being Killer Frost's pining for Firestorm, and his constant dodging and/or inner-consideration. "Should I?" Lock your dick in a freezer and tell me how great it is. No, dumbass...You shouldn't.
CHAPTER ONE, PAGE TWENTY-FIVE: Back on Monitor's Sattellite, he's...Monitoring...the group. He explains how another Earth has perished, and with it five heroes who we'll never know about died as well. Monitor also goes on about how he rescued Lyla (Harbinger) as an infant, raised her, and now she's going to eventually kill him. But that's OK, crazy space-stripper holds the fate of the entire Multiverse in her hands. Oh, good.
CHAPTER ONE, PAGE TWENTY-SIX & SEVEN: Finally, we're introduced to the entire team assembled by Harbinger; those that weren't introduced previously are either easily recognized, or probably not worthy or their own intro page. However, that doesn't explain why Arion got one. Maybe because DC knew ahead of time this would be his only appearance that anyone would ever give a shit about. New to the book are Psimon, a lanky old man with an exposed brain wearing a pink robe with the pussiest Supervillain name EVER. Geo-Force, whose biggest claim to fame is that he's the older brother of a dead Teen Titan because it certainly isn't his goofy name or terrible green-and-yellow costume. Cyborg, who is a founding member of the aforementioned Titans and finally someone people actually recognize and care about. Superman from Earth-2, who is extremely more powerful than Earth-1 Superman, but also a lot older. Obsidian, son of the Golden Age Green Lantern and he can turn into a shadow and do other creepy things. Green Lantern John Stewart, who we all know retired from active crime-fighting and now fights the horrors of American politics with his quick wit and cynnism. Oh, that's someone else? My bad. No, but THIS John Stewart is also awesome, and this was back when Hal Jordan was off "finding himself" with Green Arrow. I'm totally serious. Don't ask, don't tell. Last and thanks to his headpiece definitely least is Dr. Polaris, DC's version of Magneto, who took a look at Galactus' helmet and decided it was an excellent fashion statement. Also, his logo is a picture of a magnet, which he has put on his chest. I am TRYING to be positive, but Dr. Polaris is making is really, really hard, especially since he's supposed to be the hardcore, nasty villain in the room. I wonder if they put Psimon on the team for the sole purpose of making Dr. Polaris not look as bad, because at least Polaris isn't wearing a pink robe. Anyhoo, the assorted heroes and villains talk/argue amongst themselves while scary shadow-people watch from...the shadows, I guess. Arion gets yelled at by Dr. Polaris, Killer Frost keeps trying to fuck Firestorm (who as I said actually starts considering it), and Psimon of all people tries to rally everyone together, since he has a psychic-sense that's telling him danger is afoot!
CHAPTER ONE, PAGE TWENTY-EIGHT: Sure enough, the shadow-demon things attack, and everyone freaks-out except Harbinger, who just whines about being too weak to do anything at the moment. Obsidian wonders to himself about the shadow-demons' nature since he himself is a living shadow, and Superman-2 (that's his name from now on) yells at him for being retarded and to get back in the fight.
CHAPTER ONE, PAGE TWENTY-NINE: Dawnstar nearly gets her ass killed, but King Solovar bails her out. The two even have time to remark how crazy it is that they're an ape that talks an a human with wings. Oh, but shadow-demons, women made of fire, an old man with an exposed brain, and assorted dudes wearing bright-colored tights is TOTALLY normal, right? Blue Beetle jumps around, and the others discover their powers are practically useless against the shadows. Obsidian, helpful as always, just stands in place letting the shadow-demons pass right through him. Who the fuck brought him, again?
CHAPTER ONE, PAGE THIRTY: Well, it's about time! Obsidian discovers he can punch the shadow-demons, while Arion and Dr. Polaris scream idiot-words at each other and team-up to destroy one. Psimon makes fun of Arion, which I approve of, and when Killer Frost gets knocked off her ice-bridge (damn there's a lot of those in this story), Firestorm creates a bed for her to land on. See? The idiot spends all this time complaining about Frost's come-hither stare, and he does something like that and encourages it. Dick in a freezer, man.
CHAPTER ONE, PAGE THIRTY-ONE: Superman-2 announces that punching things isn't solving his problems like they usually do, and Cyborg is all like, "Yeah--So what ELSE is new?", which proves Cyborg is the shit because he sass-mouths The Man Of Steel. Everyone continues to bounce-off and otherwise be completely useless against the shadow-demons, and Arion finally accuses Harbinger of tomfoolery, which is about the smartest thing he's ever done. Suddenly the room fills with a blinding light, the shadow-demons flee, and everyone's left standing there wondering what the hell. An ominous figure (Monitor) explains that the attack wasn't planned but not unexpected, either. So perhaps better security systems next time? He offers to turn the lights off...
CHAPTER ONE, PAGE THIRTY-TWO: ...Big reveal! "I am...The Monitor!" He goes on to say that he's summoned the heroes and villains because their Universes are about to die, and that's officially the end of Chapter One of CoIE. The Monitor's design has always bothered me, because it's just...he looks like every character Jack Kirby began to draw and rejected, and then someone discovered this pile of failure, ate it, and took a shit. Garish armored costume complete with metal tunic, massive golden shoulder-pads, wrist-bracelets, and a pink cape. And of course he's massively ripped which you can clearly see thanks to his blue jumpsuit. Also, Monitor sports mutton-chops and a bizarre haircut that mixes Homer Simpson with a confused punk-rocker. This was one of those times when I originally read this book, when I got to this very reveal, I almost gave-up. I understand now that ESPECIALLY pre-Crisis, as it's known, DC kept it fucking real when it came to giving their various super-characters silly costumes that would never, ever, EVER be used in real life, or translated to a movie adaption for that matter. Now that I'm older and have done a lot more research and reading, I find that fact to be part of DC's charm. But back then? The Monitor's big reveal nearly scared me away from DC forever. When goddamn Dr. Polaris has to cover his mouth and excuse himself to avoid laughing in your face, you should maybe think about your choice of attire.
And so ends Part One of my massive commentary on CRISIS ON INFINITE EARTHS. I hope you enjoyed it, as I do plan on doing the entire series. This of course may take months to complete, but like I said...if someone, somewhere, someday comes across this and it helps them enjoy CoIE a bit more, if not understand it better? I've done my job. Until then...
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