CRISIS ON INFINITE EARTHS #2 by Marv Wolfman, George Perez, & Dick Giordano
CHAPTER TWO, PAGE ONE: We open the second issue at "The Dawn Of Man", where we're introduced to Anthro the caveman. Naturally, you're probably as confused as I am to be seeing a caveman here, especially when #1 ended with Monitor's reveal. Don't worry, it almost begins to make sense soon. Anthro jumps off a cliff and onto the back of a woolly mammoth, which Anthro refers to as a "serpent-nose". This is one of those times I wish I could smack Wolfman in the back of the head, because having to read a goofy caveman utter the words "serpent-nose" repeatedly makes me long for a Harbinger/Arion mini-series.
CHAPTER TWO, PAGE TWO: Anthro is apparently trying to steer this pack of stampeding mammoths (FUCK calling them that other name) away from his villiage, which is full of people that are either too dumb or stubborn to move, or they really, really want to see what happens next. Anthro's pregnant wife and father-in-law make comments both in favor of and against Anthro's plan (guess who's who), when ultimately Anthro indeed saves the day with seconds to spare. The caveman gloats to himself, all the while hoping his wife gives birth to a mighty boy, and not--*shudder*--a girl (that's almost exactly how they write it, folks). Embra, Anthro's wife, cheers him on while the doofus stops looking where he's going...
CHAPTER TWO, PAGE THREE: ...And promptly smacks his face into a tree branch. Anthro tries to cover it by claiming a big snake attacked him when he wasn't looking, only to gather his thoughts and see a giant, futuristic City in the middle of the forest. He runs back to the villiage and makes everyone come with him to see the City, only it's not there when they return. Embra thinks Anthro just hit his head too hard, and he quickly changes the subject back to the celebration in his honor. Meanwhile, a young caveboy wonders just where the hell the mammoths went...
CHAPTER TWO, PAGE FOUR: Back to the 30th Century, where The Legion of Superheroes searches for their missing teammate, Dawnstar. I know the LSH are immensely popular with the internet blogging types, but that's one DC property I'm too scared to try. Why? Because throughout DC's already-convoluted history, the Legion has been rebooted, re-written, killed, ressurrected, etc. more times than any other franchise I can think of. They're a team that exists in the future, and depending on who's writing the book at the time, this future is either an alternate reality or the definitive future of the DC Universe. Adding to the confusion is a roster that includes literally dozens of members, each with their own backstories that have been fucked with by DC Editorial over the years, and you've got one hell of a mess that I'd be shocked to see ANY brand-new fan willingly pick-up and devour. But the point is, as far as CoIE is concerned, the LSH appear to be the definitive future of Earth-1. Sorry about the rant, but now you'll know why I probably won't be going into any in-depth descriptions of any particular Legionnaire, besides of course Brainiac-5 who I understand completely: he's the descendant of the first Brainiac who is one of Superman's greatest villains, only THIS one is a good-guy. Simple enough. So anyway, a handful of LSH members look for Dawnstar, but are distracted when a pack of woolly mammoths suddenly appear in Plaza Square (remember them?), causing panic and mayhem. Police prepare to shoot the prehistoric beasts...
CHAPTER TWO, PAGE FIVE: ...But The Legion intervene! The LSH heard the mammoths towards Colossal Boy (he grows big), who's planning on scooping them up in his huge hands, boy instead the mammoths disappear into thin-air. The Legion are naturally perplexed. You know, I will give The Legion of Superheroes this: Their costume/character designs are almost always great. Wildfire, Chameleon Boy, and Lightning Lass in particular stand-out, and Phantom Girl looks like a hot 70's disco dancer, which there's absolutely nothing wrong with. There, I officially named everyone on the page. Any LSH fans reading this should be happy and move-along.
CHAPTER TWO, PAGE SIX: Brainiac-5 tells his teammates that there's a SUPER SERIAL PROBLEM now, because apparently the Anti-Matter Wave exists in the future too, and it's heading towards the 30th Century Earth! Cut back to the Present (July, 1985) where we find a mansion, which we're told belongs to Millionaire Harold J. Standish...or rather, his heirs. Why his heirs? Because HELL YES, The Joker killed his ass, that's why! The Clown Prince of Crime stands triumphant over Standish, who apparently owned the Copyrights on some silent comedy films Joker wanted for himself. Before he can get enough few paragraphs of dialogue out, Joker is interrupted by THE GODDAMNED BATMAN, who smashes through a window and simultaniously talks shit! This is how awesome Batman is, ladies and gents; he can both make a dramatic entrance and dress you down at the same. Damn. Time. Oh, and apparently he also solved one of Joker's "brilliant" clues to find him, too. I'll bet Alfred did it on the shitter just for kicks while Batman was fucking twin blond super-models and gut-punching Killer Croc. What, the dead Millionaire? Batman had to have a REASON to beat the shit out of Joker, silly. He doesn't do it for FUN, he does it for JUSTICE. Sometimes people just gotta die.
CHAPTER TWO, PAGE SEVEN: This will be continued...
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