The DC Universe: Wackiness.

Well hello there...it's been quite a long time since I've bothered to post anything, so hopefully this could be the start of an all-new period of regular, continuous posting on BMR. But probably not.

BATMAN: THE ANIMATED SERIES

One thing I've noticed about this site so-far, is my obvious devotion to all things Marvel Comics. It can't be helped - I grew-up reading "Spider-Man" and "X-Men", my only real exposure to the DC side of things being the original "Batman: The Animated Series". I loved Batman like most kids did, as Tim Burton's incredible first Bat-movie really set the standard for Dark Knight awesomeness at a very impressionable age. However, besides the occasional neat-looking cover, I was rarely inspired to buy the character's comic book.

This trend changed for a brief period of time when Batman and Superman became the focus of major media outlets, one for having his back broken and being replaced, the other for "dying". So for the first time in my comic-buying life, Batman and Superman were added to the mix that usually saw only Stan Lee-presented material. But as soon as "The Reign of The Supermen" was over, leaving us blessed with SuperMullet, I could never look Clark Kent in the eyes again unless he was part of the Justice League, where his omnipotence and boyscout mentality was at least tested and tolerable. Batman, on the other hand, recovered from his paralysis soon enough and Jean-Paul Valley, the psychotic 90's Xtreme Bat-replacement, was done away with, and I more-or-less followed the character from that point on.

SUPER-MULLET & JEAN-PAUL BATMAN: TWO FLAVORS OF EQUAL SUCK.

And that was the basis for any future involvement in the DC Universe at large: Was Batman there? Of course, this led me to Grant Morrison's "JLA" relaunch that helped key me into even more characters I grew to enjoy like Green Lantern, Martian Manhunter, and The Flash, but it was still hard for me to care too much about them when Bats was able to whoop the evil White Martians with his one super-power of BEING IMPOSSIBLE TO BEAT. The JLA consisted of five demi-gods, the weilder of the most powerful weapon in the universe, and a billionaire playboy in a bat costume, and which of those saved the day, always? Who got to sneak around striking fear into murderous shape-shifting alien fuck-heads while Superman got his invulnerable ass locked in a torture device?

Bruce Goddamn Wayne. This is why when it came to the DC Universe, you had better be at least considering a team-up with Batman if you wanted my interest. But lately, as in the last couple of years, I've truly made a very large attempt to immerse myself into what DC had to offer this whole time I was obsessively collecting every single Venom appearance or giving more of a shit about the evil Gambit doppleganger that showed-up in the Infinity War cross-over issue of "Nomad". Yes, people, the very vivid memory of an evil Gambit doppleganger and the terrible, goddamned AWEFUL comic he resides in is and will probably forever more take-up space in my brain, whereas I have trouble remembering what day it is sometimes. Comic books, huh?

JLA #1 by Grant Morrison & Howard Porter

So during my last couple of trade-splurges, where I spend several hundred dollars on "catching-up" on comics since I can't buy them when they actually come out, I'd say almost a good third of them were DC Comics. And no, I didn't just buy Batman books, either...although it was MOSTLY Batman. But seriously, I went and caught myself up on "Crisis Of Infinite Earths" which naturally REALLY opened my eyes to what DC was about, making me a life-long fan of Ted "Blue Beetle" Kord in the process. I'll have to tell the story of how I bought his first appearance on eBay, all happy and giddy, and not a week later DC fucking killed him. Actually, that WAS the story, minus the quiet sobbing into a much-read collection of "Formerly Known As The Justice League", wondering just who the hell Keith Giffen pissed-off so completely that they were now systematically FUCKING OVER his wonderful cast.

...Oh yeah, that "Formerly" book was also one of the biggest turning-points in my becoming a DC fanboy. I read several reviews of it as it was being first published, and then when the trade was solicited Wizard went apeshit about the whole thing and I knew it had to be mine. Thankfully, despite having ZERO knowledge of anyone outside of Blue Beetle, the book became an instant favorite. Max Lord & L-Ron, Booster Gold, Mary Marvel, all of them can be added to the list of ever-growing DC characters I began to cherish, thanks to how hilarious and smart (assed) the team of Giffen and Kevin Maguire made them. But then...then, my first real wake-up call to the screwy Universe that was DC happened, with a little book called "Identity Crisis".

FORMERLY KNOWN AS THE JUSTICE LEAGUE #1 by Keith Giffen and Kevin Maguire

Before "Identity Crisis", I had a very firm belief that DC just wasn't the place where you were going to see gruesome, real-life type violence. When I thought of DC, I thought of "The Super-Friends" before all else, because that was what my Marvel Zombie-rotted brain had been trained for. Spider-Man may have had some shitty cartoons in his day, but he was never a goddamn SUPER-FRIEND. But after I got my hands on I.D.C and saw Dr. Light burning and raping Sue Dibney, beloved wife of Ralf "Elongated Man" Dibney and a character I had JUST come to admire, well...I hadn't seen THAT in a Marvel book, that's for true.

I'm still not entirely certain how I feel about Sue Dibney's treatment (as a fictional comic book character, not a woman). On one hand, I was disgusted seeing the face of innocence and one half of DC's cutest couple get tortured and violated by a D-list supervillain. On the other, I tried to understand WHY they did it, in that the act helped explain how Dr. Light and other perennial failures went from being a serious threat one week, to jobbing to the Teen Titans the next; Zatanna erased their memories and altered their personalities with magic. Oh, and when Batman storms-in and raises a shit-storm of unapproval? They erase HIS memory, too.

The fucking morons.

So naturally Batman figured this out, he slapped around some of his teammates, and we all learned a very important lesson: Bruce Wayne would rather repeatedly have to beat the shit out of bad-guys and lock them away in a haunted madhouse than fuck around with magic. Oh, and there's something about Civil Rights, or somesuch nonsense. But fuck all that, you don't hocus-pocus Batman.

Anyway, "Identity Crisis" was the book that made me notice the DC Universe at large; after I had gotten attached to a few lesser-known but important characters, now they were suddenly being raped, killed, and otherwise screwed around with. Like I said, for whatever reason I hadn't considered DC would do anything to their characters outside "killing" them for a media-push, despite being well-trained in the ways of comic character torture thanks to the Marvel Method. Suddenly, I felt abused as a reader and a fan, someone who so recently became attached to these characters and now they were being picked-off for the sake of a plot device, never to be seen again in any way that would make sense to anyone.

IDENTITY CRISIS #1 by Brad Meltzer and Rags Morales

But that's when DC and myself had a little chat, thanks to a mini-series within "JLA: Classified". This was the sequel to "Formerly Known As The Justice League", which debuted months after Sue Dibney's mistreatment. Where before I thought the original "Formerly" indeed took place within normal DC continuity, but now I was being told it wasn't. The book's creators, Giffen and Maguire, were being allowed to play with their toys in their own little pocket of the Universe, self-contained stories where anything the characters did or things that happened to them had zero concequence whatsoever. This was done, I assume, to stave-off a bit of the outcry that came from fans of Sue and her wacky buddies, but I for whatever reason found it fascinating that as a fan of the team and the book, I was now faced with the fact that DC was totally fine having two different versions of them having adventures simultaniously and only one really mattered to the story at large.

Remember, my Marvel-infused brain made it hard for me to grasp things that weren't "in continuity" unless they had a "What If...?" or "Elseworlds" label slapped on it somewhere; what happened in "Web Of Spider-Man" related to what happened in "Spectacular" which carried over to "Amazing" and so-on, so across the pond at DC I expected the same for "Identity Crisis", "JLA", and "JLA: Classified", because nobody told me the rules were different. This of course loops back around to where I was getting to "Crisis On Infinite Earths", which I had read several times before, but I didn't GET just what the hell that comic accomplished.

The Flash bites it during CRISIS ON INFINITE EARTHS

See, I knew about the weird, campy, silliness of Batman and Superman in the 1950's and 60's. I didn't quite understand how the hell DC came to explain how the characters acted back then, because you know in modern comics EVERYTHING since the beginning of time has to be explained and accounted for in some way. But I never really cared enough of paid attention, figuring DC probably ignored all of the wackiness from decades past and allowed the characters to evolve naturally. Oh, no...that's not what they did AT ALL. What I discovered thanks to the original "Crisis", was that DC was willing, able and quite prone to RESETTING THEIR UNIVERSE. Seriously, that's the sum of what CoIE was created for: Installing and pushing a massive reset-button on their gigantic, convoluted cast of characters.

What I didn't know before this was that DC's most-used and, for them, easiest way to explain these annamollies was to create a brand-new parallel Earth, so if say you dug-up an issue of "Batman" from the 50's and he's running around as an Indian Cheif, that wasn't a dream or anything...It happened! But it happened on Earth-54832, fanboys! And what "Crisis" did was allow DC to more-or-less openly admit their Universe was a cluster-fuck of weirdness, clean house, and start from scratch. So now Batman always WAS the badass we know and love, Superman is only slightly-ridiculously powerful, and guys like Blue Beetle and Shazam weren't the bastard step-children robbed from bankrupt competition, they've been around the whole time...you just weren't looking close enough. DC had now freely come clean on the subject of their own continuity, and told everybody that everything pre-Crisis DOES NOT MATTER, that it was all funnybook nonsense and if you really cared for the personal histories of the characters, here, start from scratch and move along.

BATMAN: INDIAN CHIEF! What, you thought I was JOKING?!

Now that I understood the business model, I really started seeing the big differences in DC and Marvel. What happened in "Amazing Fantasy #15", the first appearance of Spider-Man, is what happened to the character, period. Peter Parker still recalls the moments from that issue to this day, as they were written in 1962. If you as a fan want to know exactly where Spider-Man came from, you can actually go back to the VERY beginning and continue all the way until...well, I suppose until "Brand New Day", but that's another story. But if you want to do the same with Batman, for example, you can't read "Detective Comics #27" and expect to find the same character now. In his first appearance, Batman uses a gun and kills criminals, two things any Bat-fan will tell you just doesn't happen. No, if you want Batman's origin the way DC would have you remember it, you go read "Batman: Year One" by Frank Miller, the story of which was partially adapted into the "Batman Begins" movie. This definitive origin for DC's franchise character, while great in every way, hit comic racks a good 40+ years after Batman himself debuted.

As a comic book fan who had been trained to be obsessed with continuity, this has always proved a problem and a hinderance with my being able to enjoy the DC Universe; I didn't want to grow too attached or worry about knowing who everyone was or how it all happened, because on a whim DC will pull the trigger and wipe the slate clean again. And what's twice as strange and frustrating for me, is that with the latest cross-over entitled "Final (We Swear!) Crisis", they went and reset things again...by making things like they were BEFORE the first one! So yes, now we have a bunch of parrellell Earths again where all kinds of wackiness ensues, and they killed Batman. Or rather, they omega-beamed him into the past where he's teaching a caveman how to draw bat-symbols on cave walls. No, I'm fucking SERIOUS. But you know what Batman did before getting time-lost/presumed dead? HE SHOT AND KILLED THE VILLAIN WITH A GUN.

Batman shoots Darkseid to death. WITH A GUN. My world is shattered!

Now, look...I'm not going to be another one of those whining, blubbering nerd-vacuums whose entire world was shattered because Bruce Wayne shot someone, but goddamn it DC! You did it to me again! I was told to believe you were the safe place to retreat to when I had had my fill of X-SNIKTBUBTWIPVENOMDOOM, but as soon as I think the water's fine, you go and rape-murder a favorite supporting cast member, another favorite supporter executes my favorite of your heroes who isn't Batman, and then Batman himself goes out in style by breaking his #1 rule and LAUGHING about it! And how do you top this masterpiece of going all serious and dark on my ass? Superman SUPER-SINGS EVIL AWAY!!! Are you fucking KIDDING me?! Clark Kent, in all his glory, turned "Final Crisis" into "Jesus Christ: Superstar" and sang a tune to dissolve evil after Batman shot it with a gun.

All I could find with this parody, but I assure you, Superman did indeed sing-away evil. Had he Rick-Rolled evil, FINAL CRISIS may have made sense to more people.

I...I just don't know what to say. My nerd-brain would have completely imploded had I not been able to accept the fact that DC Comics...are fucking crazy. They always have been, and apparently always will be. No manner of trying to invent their own continuity and rules has ever worked for them, so it's all out the damn window, now. Forget what you know, in fact, forget what you'll EVER know about DC characters; forget it as soon as you learn it. Batman is Bruce Wayne? Yeah, maybe for right now...but he also could have been Adam, the first man, because he was fucking omega-beamed into the past, bitches! And that's the beauty I've come to discover in the DC Universe, is that it is totally unpredictable, especially when you think it's MOST predictable, because that's when an alternate Earth's Superboy is going to waltz into the room, punch the very concept of space-time, and suddenly your dead ex-girlfriend is back and wondering why the hell you think she should be dead.

Because DC Comics are fucking crazy. They are comics made to test the limits of comic books, and just what exactly you can get away with when it comes to trying to make sense of the senseless. Unlike Marvel, DC can flat-out tell you at any given time George Washington was actually a time-lost Superman who had to get wooden teeth because Metallo punched him in the mouth with kryptonite. Don't believe them? Time-Punch, motherfuckers. BAM!!! Now it's canon. And that has become the norm, just as having a totally-connected and flowing timeline is the norm for a Marvel character. The closest Marvel has come to following the DC Method was the aforementioned "Brand New Day", where Spider-Man made a deal with the devil that saw his Aunt May get saved but his marriage to Mary Jane was erased from continuity. Pros and cons aside, the concept went-over about as well as a fart in church when it first hit, because now for the first time ever Marvel was telling us a very large portion of a character's continuity was meaningless. Such a jarring change to the status quo was rightfully unwelcome at Marvel, but over at DC they've been doing that shit for decades.

I bet Spidey would love to Time-Punch Joe Quesada in the dick.

I guess what I'm trying to say is...I appreciate what DC Comics is, in that it's a comic book company that does whatever it can to remain exactly that: A comic book company. They are superheroes and villains and other completely-fictional characters who exist in a completely-fictional Universe where there are absolutely no rules, because why should there be? Why can't there be an omnipotent asshole that can punch time and change history? Why can't there be 52 versions of Bruce Wayne all at the same time just in case someone wants to write a new take on why exactly he had a rainbow-colored costume that one time? Comics should only be limited by the imagination, after all. Marvel has the market pretty-well cornered as far as being a massive fictional Universe where everything is connected and has a rich, singular history, and it's completely awesome. I love Marvel, still more than DC, but mostly because that's where I got my start. I now love and respect DC for being the alternative, the place where I don't necessarily have to understand what's going-on at any given time, but that anything is certainly possible.

And I like that.

To close, I've unearthed some amazing documents depicting, finally, the one true history of the DC Universe as you should know and understand it. Follow along, won't you? (click images to enlarge)

Yes indeed, every man, woman, and child owes their lineage to The Dark Knight. I told you all before, he was omega-beamed into the past. You think Batman isn't going to make nice with the ONLY woman around? Please. But also feeling the need to disguise himself from her, also serving as the only other person alive? Bruce, you may be obsessed a little. I mean, it's not like the Joker-Snake gives a shit who you are.

And of course, who could forget the very reason we all celebrate Grodd Columbus Day? Or at least, why all the goddamn banks and post offices are closed. It's all thanks to one gorilla with a dream, a vision of pilliaging the New World and enslaving its people. And he would've gotten away with it too, if it weren't for that meddling Native Flash! GRODD!!!

Then there was the time our beloved President Abraham (Brainiac) Lincoln was beseiged by some fucking moron with an Inspector Gadget arm coming out of his chest? Nobody, that's who!

We all recall the story of Clark Kent being a retard, brutally assassinating the first-ever President with a middle-name in perenthesis, when Brainiac was actually doing a really nice job and was trying to turn-over a new leaf and freed a lot of slaves. You know the real lesson learned from this moment in history, folks? SUPERMAN HATES BLACK PEOPLE.

Yeah, I said it.

This...This is Batman having an underwater adventure, wearing bat-flippers and a 50's deep-sea diver helmet, with a Bat-Signal MADE OF FISH in the background. Oh, and why yes...That is a motherfucking SQUID wearing Robin's domino mask. It's not really a significant moment in history, I'm just in love with it. Everything about it.

They call him "The Darksea Detective". He is shouting "TO THE BATFISH!!!" at his GODDAMNED SQUID SIDE-KICK, who wears a domino mask to DISQUISE HIMSELF from OTHER SQUIDS. I am so in love with this masterpiece, I will invent a way to impregnate it - or for it to impregnate me, let's be honest - and create beautiful, horrible children with it.

If this DIDN'T happen at some point in DC's long history, I can't think of a worse crime that's ever been commited. That is all.

Oh, you thought I wouldn't travel THIS darkened road of DC's history-highway, did you? I'm afraid you've either underestimated my Kent-loathing, or overestimated my respect for the character. See, I respect the fact that Supes was technically the first-ever superhero, and that he's a true representation of Americana, an icon, blah-blah-blah yakkity-shmackity. But you know what I DON'T respect? What I absolutely won't tolerate, no matter who you are or what your contributions to modern culture?

Child. Abuse.

You can't super-sweep this one under the rug, Clark. It was bound to catch-up to you sooner or later, and here we are...Later. For all the world to see, first your time-traveling escapades of freedom-hating murder, and now THIS horrifying display of---

Oh, the kid's all upset because you're really Clark Kent and that was a big let-down for him? What, was he expecting Brad Pitt or Spongebob Squarepants or someone else he actually KNEW? Ah, so he's just fucking stupid, then. He's crying because he got his hopes up Superman spent his free time as one of Ben 10's Alien Force or some shit, and not actually some dumb-fuck reporter from Kansas. No intent of molestation, then. Gotcha.

You should really try not to pull-off your clothes in the presence of a crying boy face-down on a bed, Superman. It really doesn't look good at all.