Marvel Ultimate Alliance 2: I Just Finished It.

Yo. So I just finished beating "Marvel: Ultimate Alliance 2" for the XBOX360 the other day, for the second time in a row. The second being on Hard difficulty, of course. I unlocked every character and most of the Boosts that are worth-while, so I feel the game has been thoroughly conquered.

Overall it was a pretty good game, but felt incredibly short compared to the first offering and especially considering the wait. Honestly, I HATED having to play the Pro-Reg side to unlock things like Spidey's "Iron Spider" costume; bowing-down to super-bitch Maria Hill, then slapping-around a teenager after he calls you traitors? Yeah, I felt all warm-n-fuzzy inside after that one. They just make no bones about the fact you have made the POOR FUCKING CHOICE joining Iron Man's team, despite the fact you can now use Songbird (awesome!) and Mr. Fantastic (sweet...?)!

Ben Grimm & Norman Osborn...On the same side?! I'M THERE!!!

The new characters range from cool and fun (Goblin, Iron Fist, Juggernaut), to utterly useless wastes of a good spot (Penance). I often found myself wishing the characters that made cameos and teamed-up with you, such as Cable, Bishop, She-Hulk, and Hercules, would have made far-more logical and enjoyable choices rather than throwing a notorious frown-inducer like Robbie Baldwin into the mix just to complete The Thunderbolts motif. And if they really needed another 'Bolt, why not someone more respectable like Moonstone, Radioactive Man (you'll get your due one day, Chen), or Bullseye?

The returning characters also varied in quality, and reasoning. Did Daredevil really need to be there when Iron Fist, Deadpool, and Wolverine were on the roster? He's a great character, sure...but he also played almost zero part in "Civil War" other than being arrested, and in-game he feels like a bland choice put-up against the aforementioned. Iceman? Really? Was there honestly a need for him to come back? Bobby wasn't in "Civil War" at all outside of the X-Men's mini where little happened of note, and his appearance in UA2 just screams "rehash" and "laziness". This is the spot that angers me the most, because not only was it totally wasted, it was the last one announced, meaning all of us were waiting in anticipation; were they truly saving the best for last? Another all-new, fan-demanded character like Emma Frost, Nova, or The Sentry? No. It was friggin' ICEMAN with his horrible surfer-voice and the totally-rad alternate costume of wearing a leather jacket over his ice-form. Dork.

The God Of Thunder & Spider-Man takin' care of business...

The fact that Thor had to be unlocked angered me, because you're already having to unlock two brand-new characters in Phoenix and Hulk, now you have to almost beat the game once just to get another repeat? An awesome repeat, mind you, but still. Hulk was fun when I finally unlocked him 2/3rds through my second run, but was disappointed to find his alternate costume was Rulk. I mean, of course it was...but I was crossing my fingers hoping for World War Hulk, or at the very least Mr. Fixit. Loeb wins this round...

And that's another thing that kinda stunk...the alternate costumes. Most of them were designed by the game developers, referring to them as "tributes" to other, existing ones. You know, costumes fans would LIKE to see. Daredevil again fails, with his being a lousy kevlar vest-version similar to his 90's armor. So why not just do the 90's armor, or something even easier with more of a fanbase like his yellow costume? The Ultimate costumes are also dated now, with most of the characters featured not even having Ultimate versions to speak of thanks to Loebicron eating the planet. Can't we just have maybe the spikey-mutated Thing, or for god's sake the brown-and-yellow costume for Wolvie instead of that TERRIBLE goateed Ultimate loser? Of course there's some good in the mix, like Green Goblin's alternate being Hobgoblin, Thor's JMS-inspired design, Spider-Man's Iron-Spider, and Venom's original look, but those barely make-up for the weak S.H.I.E.L.D. armor Ms. Marvel has (rather than something awesome and easy like her 70's look or Binary), Iron Man's 80's red-and-yellow armor (because there's not like, 37 versions they could use that are a different shade at least, or anything), and whateverthehell Songbird's "extreme"-looking sunglasses and leather pants is supposed to be, assuming their intentions weren't to make Melissa Gold look like a cheap hooker.

The Incredible Hulk prepares to SMASH a poor, puny human!

One thing I LOVED about the first UA is the multiple costumes, and that a lot of them actually gave you a new character skin such as Thor's Beta Ray Bill, Iron Man's War Machine, Ghost Rider's Vengeance AND Phantom Rider, etc. Could the developers not really care enough to give us a Screaming Mimi or Speedball skin? Did they really think anyone cared to play as shirtless Penance, complete with bleeding scabs? I'm sure a lot of these things will pop-up as DLC, but the fact that we now have to pay extra for things that were free in the first game kinda totally sucks. Making the graphics and Fusions all neat-and-pretty in favor of gutting things that made Ultimate Alliance special in the first place isn't exactly a great move, or a nice one. Besides, in-game the graphics hardly matter; you can certainly tell the difference, but I'm sure everyone would like to see a more-customizable team than a sparklier one.

Nanite Fury was a big let-down for me personally, as the game's final boss; he had a lame design, the story build-up to his debut was predictable and full of bait-and-switch crap. Tinkerer's with you to help find the culprit, and what do you know, he betrays you at the first chance he gets! And what's that? You wanted a big-name villain along the lines of Dr. Doom or Thanos, after five years of waiting for this sequel? Sorry, you get Nick Fury possessed by 90's Liefeld armor! YES!!! And he even has spikey feet and one glowing eye! And guess what, disappointed Marvelites? He's also the final unlockable character in the game, robbing yet another spot from a more-deserving one. You know, someone like ANYONE, any damn thing would have been a more welcome addition instead of Nanite Fury, complete with the powers of several mini-bosses. Radical. And this sad abomination doesn't even have an alternate costume choice, so you can't even PRETEND you're playing as the actual Nick Fury...you must use RoboColonel, or not at all.

Ladies And Gentlemen...Mac "Venom" Gargan, kills bitches dead.

So yeah...in other words, I would have loved this if it came-out a year or two after the first UA, but after waiting half a decade, I'm left wanting more and feeling a little bit let-down. Juggernaut was a cool and unique character to throw at us whiny critics, but again, time spent porting-over guys like Iceman and Daredevil, time we know could have been used on better costumes or Emma Frost, leaves a somewhat bitter aftertaste.

FAVORITE CHARACTER: Thor wins this one, thanks to his screen-clearing moves, two great costumes, and perfect voice; The Odinson, once unlocked, never left my team.

WORST CHARACTER: Mr. Fantastic/Iceman/Nanite Fury, I couldn't pick just one to hate. All three are useless, two of them make no sense even being playable, and thinking about it makes me want to hit something because anyone from Punisher to Nova would have been better choices.

MAIN TEAM: Thor, Deadpool, Hulk, and Venom. After I finally found the last Gamma-thing and unlocked Hulk, he quickly became a favorite thanks to his moves and voice basically being ported from the earlier "Incredible Hulk" game, which is a free-roaming adventure where you can smash NYC to the ground, use cars as boxing gloves, and the skins range from The Maestro to Abomination. Anything that reminds me of that game is A-OK in my book. Deadpool and Venom show-up virtually unchanged from the first UA, which is fine because they were two favorites in that one, too. I usually alternated Venom with either Songbird or Invisible Woman, my two favorite Marvel women, to add some visual-appeal, plus Songbird is REALLY fun to play as.

BIGGEST SURPRISE: I never gave Spider-Man much of a chance in the original "Ultimate Alliance", but after unlocking his Iron-Spidey costume, I discovered he was actually pretty fun and he became a regular alternate on my team. Oh, and seeing goddamn Equinox show-up was befuttling, to say the least.

BIGGEST DISAPPOINTMENT: Did I already mention Iceman and Nanite Fury? Yes? Well, then the lack of an original storyline kinda brought the whole experience down, I suppose I'd have to say. "Secret War" and "Civil War" were whatever they were to whomever read them; to me the first was a rather confusing saga that gave Bendis an excuse to put Wolverine, Spider-Man, Daredevil, and Captain America on the same team and give himself a fan-service reach-around. Yes, it supposedly led-in to what would become the outlook of the Marvel Universe for years to come, but take it away and most people wouldn't even notice. In other words, not important enough to base a game off of. "Civil War" was so passionately loved or hated, to say it was a risky plot to introduce to the mainstream, especially the concept of Iron Man as a douchebag when Robert Downey Jr. is telling us the opposite, is an understatement. First of all, it's not "two games in one" as I've seen game designers tell people; one half you're with Captain America or Iron Man, and the other half you're fighting nanite-people no matter what side you chose. The differences between sides aren't too dramatic, either: you fight bosses and mini-bosses that have similar powers and are more-or-less skins of each other, such as Cable/Bishop and Yellowjacket/Goliath, but you're running around virtually the same levels and you're usually stuck wanting to pick a character that's exclusive to the OTHER side. I'd rather have had a fluid storyline where NONE of my favorite heroes were portrayed as massive dicks, I could pick who I WANTED to be on my team at all times, and that basically my video games and comic books didn't mix outside of mutual inspirations; I paid money for "Ultimate Alliance 2", not "Civil War: The Game", and giving me Juggernaut to keep me quiet isn't going to work for very long.

"I'm The Juggernaut, Bitch!"...And he's also GameStop-Exclusive, folks!

WHAT'S THE SCORE?: The game was fun and provided me with a few days worth of genuine fanboy enjoyment, mostly out of the surprises like teaming-up with Firestar and the wacky mini-boss fight of A-Bomb & Justice, but also due to familiar-yet-upgraded gameplay. However, I wanted more than anything a true sequel to the first UA, which gave us the "Galactus Seeks Revenge" cliffhanger ending, and instead we got as I've said..."Civil War: The Game". The thing is, I most certainly would have bought BOTH a true sequel and a comic adaption of CW, and I'm sure many people would have as well. Like I mentioned, basing a very successful video game franchise on a comic that a LOT of fans have said doomed the Marvel Universe was perhaps not so wise, and limiting character selection-choices to the sides you pick, despite the appearances of people like Gambit not making ANY sense, seriously hurt the overall quality; if you want to match-up continuity, go all the way or knock it the fuck off. I wanted to use Songbird the ENTIRE game, not just half of it, thank you very much.

So-so character selection? Check. Only one alternate costume (at the most) per character, most of which totally suck? Check. Half of the game makes you feel like a complete asshole, if you even bother to play it? Double-check. I'm not saying there's nothing good about the game, it was a lot of fun to play and unlock everything and finally assemble my Thor/Deadpool/Venom/Hulk fanboy wet-dream-team. But it all just felt like an extended downloadable map, a "Civil War" mission if you will, rather than a sequel I've been waiting on for half a friggin' decade.

"Marvel: Ultimate Alliance 2" gets THREE ANGRY SCREAMING MIMI'S out of FIVE for being a fun game with good replay value if you can stomach being smarmy-douchecock Tony Stark's bitch for one half, but otherwise a lot more let-downs and disappointments than I'm used to from this franchise.