Ah yes, another ComicVine post, answering the big question: What if YOU had bought Marvel rather than Disney? Of course alongside mine and a few other really well thought-out answers, a bunch of the kiddies chimed-in with "Kill Wolverine! Enough with that guy!", where of course you could insert Deadpool, Sentry, Norman Osborn, or any other character that it's currently "cool" to hate-on. As usual, I got a tad caught-up in the question, and my imagination ran wild! Naturally, I could probably spend a week straight coming-up with more ideas, but these will do for now...
1.) I wouldn't kill-off anyone due to personal feelings; that's just a horribly selfish thing to do as obviously the characters that are around have fans of their own.
2.) Darkhawk, however, would be re-built into a solid, stand-alone character and given a real shot at success again. Chris Powell deserves your support!
3.) "Marvel Knights" would be re-branded as the hottest, most high-concept grounds for new, upcoming comic book talent to ply their trade, but in the "T+"-graded arena. Remember when Daredevil, Black Panther, and The Inhumans were featured as that very same kind of comic? Me, too. I'd love to see a return to importance to "Marvel Knights"...
4.) I would undo "Brand New Day", but in a way that's respectful to the fans of the storyline, but also returns Peter Parker to Mary Jane, the way it's just supposed to be. If fans just outright hate a married superhero, perhaps they'll give Darkhawk a try (I'm kidding...sort of...)! Something alone the lines of Peter figures-out what he did, has to do something for Mephisto to get out of it or whatever, and at the end of it we've got everything great the BND-verse has given us, only now Peter has been married all along. His time spent in the apartment he's in now can be explained as Peter and MJ maybe being separated for a spell (see what I did there?), possibly a fight over Peter's thought of revealing his I.D. during "Civil War". And yeah, I suppose we'd have to keep the "Magic erased people's memory" gimmick to keep his identity a secret again, but whatever...in a world where Mastermind can wipe the exsistence of The Sentry from people's memories, this is fine. This way, both sides of the Brand New Fence are at least mostly happy, and this leaves yet more openings for "Wait...maybe this villain DIDN'T lose his memory somehow!"-type stories, etc.
5.) I would hold weekly, open conference calls (for fans that are screened previously in case they're idiots) focussing on one character at a time, week-after-week. The forum would be open to discuss what they love, hate, etc. about the character, what they'd like to see changed and what they'd like to stay the same. I would compile the suggestions, and hold online polls (which would be heavily advertized) the following week to see if they indeed hold water. Majority rules, and the changes are applied to the character in question to see if this helps the popularity. This process would of course mainly apply to characters that are struggling to find an audience, so you know...they can find one.
6.) Enough with the nonsense...Clint Barton becomes Hawkeye, beating the ever-loving crap out of Bullseye and taking his mask back. When Kate Bishop confronts him about this, since she already has his approval to use the name, he says "You can use it all you want, but if we're ever in a team-up you're called Swordstress or something. Now get over it".
7.) "Nextwave" finds a home. I don't care if it sells three copies a month, the damn book gets published if I have to hold Ellis' family hostage to see it happen. Period.
8.) "Marvel Comics Presents Ultimate Comics The Comic Book" or whateverthehell they're calling it today, indeed gets a very REAL ultimatum: Decide what you want to do with yourself, or don't bother showing-up for work tomorrow. If Bendis & Co. truly care about their little continuity-free experiment, they need to pay attention to it and not allow the Universe to outgrow itself before Loebicron has to eat the planet again. Should they decide the 616 Marvel is where their entire focus should be, *Shrugs* Like I said, if the kids don't like a married superhero, hopefully they'll just try a different one. If a particular character just has too complicated a back-story for you to wrap your mind around, pick a new flavor to try. The Ultimate Universe was fun while it lasted, but I truly feel it's a wonderful way to cannabalize your own book-output. They can accomplish all of these alternative ideas in other places, such as...
9.) "What if...?" would return as a monthly book, possibly with mini-storylines if there's a concept that warrants one. Basically, they would mesh the old "What if...?" single-issue formula with the "Elseworlds" style. It's too good an idea to just do once a year, especially when ALL of the new yearlies end depressingly. THAT has to change, too!
10.) "WHAT THE?!" returns as well! I'd hire-out to comedians/comic geeks like Patton Oswalt and Brian Posehn to do stories, probably making this into a bi-yearly book. These would be all-out, anything-goes books in the MAX line featuring all your favorite Marvel Superheroes in the strangest, comedic ways possible.
11.) Jeph Loeb has his place, this I understand; his books sell too damn well for him not to. However, his place is NOT in the 616 Marvel Universe, not ever. Should Bendis and the others decide the Ultimate U isn't where they need to be anymore, I'd give it to Loeb to do with as he pleases, ensuring boatloads of cash and no silly Rulks I'd have to worry about finding a place for. If the opposite happens, he can have recurring roles in "What if...?", or even something like "X-Men Forever" where he just does whatever he pleases, only it MAKES money. And on that note...
12.) Claremont, I'm sorry...but I'm doing this for your own good, before you damage your tenure even more: *Mr. McMahon voice* YYYYYOOOOOOUUUURRRRR FFFFFIIIIIIIRRRRRREEEEDDDD!!!!!...There, don't we all feel better? Excellent. I'm sure DC would love your brand of Entertainment, Chris. Go ask...
13.) Solo characters get ONE ONGOING BOOK, period, within the 616 Universe. Should a character be popular enough, a mini-series here and there would be plenty, as would a double-sized issue once in awhile. I've argued for it because at the moment it's warranted but ultimately a bad idea, but giving a character THREE ongoing monthlies, especially one as trendy as Deadpool, is indeed bad. You're fleecing your audience which, eventually, they'll resent you for. Supply-and-demand, sure, I get it. But preying on the wallets of zombie-ish fans until they're just sick of the character isn't the way to go; output the single montly, reprint when necessary, appease their cravings with a special or mini or EXTRA-special guest appearance. Of course, a solo character could have a book in 616, "Marvel Knights", and Ultimate if sales so demanded, but they wouldn't muck with each other's continuity and make lunatics on the internet go crosseyed trying to figure-out the timelines.
14.) Cross-overs would happen every five years, at the most. Doing them every year back-to-back means you're just doing a huge mess of a monthly storyline where everyone's confused on what goes where and who's supposed to be in whose book. "Secret Wars", the original, was flat-out amazing for it's time and felt SPECIAL. Cross-overs now just seem like the new "Holographic Foil Cover", a blatant money-grabber, an insult. They need to make comic fans who are already hooked feel excited to be reading at the time they're reading them, more of a "You've gotten to know them personally, now watch what happens when they mix it up together" type of thing. Possibly return them to the titles' Annuals every few years, I always liked that trick...
15.) Kind of continuing from the previous one, I would put a limit on Guest Appearances and team-ups. Those would need to become special again as well, like back when Spider-Man showing-up in "The Avengers" was a seriously big deal. If sales on a book are down, sure, toss-in a Wolverine fight if it will help. But other than that, one team-up a year per solo book unless absolutely crucial to an ongoing storyline, guest appearances need to make sense and not be blatant, and cameos only if they add to the story. Characters that appear on the cover would NEVER only appear in a cameo; I don't run that kind of show.
16.) I would do everything in my power to get a "Guardians of The Galaxy" animated series on the Sci-Fi Channel, or wherever would take it, really. Nothing would warm my soul more than to hear John DiMaggio voice Rocket Raccoon...
17.) The Sentry goes into outer space and becomes entangled in THAT section of the Marvel U; he's too sily-powerful and just plain irrelevant to be on Earth, but amongst Gladiator, Black Bolt, Vulcan and the like, he'd actually have battles and team-ups that makes sense and he wouldn't have to just be a Deus Ex Machina his entire career. Thor nods his head, smiles, and bids thee farewell, "Golden One"...it's time for a REAL God to rejoin The Avengers! AYE, HAVE AT THEE!!!
18.) Marvel MAX Presents: "Alias For Hire", starring Luke Cage, Danny Rand, and Jessica Jones. That's all I should have to say.
19.) Dan Slott gets to write a "Thing" ongoing, for as long as he damn-well pleases. Like "Nextwave", I would FIND a way, or discover one if need-be...
20.) Thanos gets an ongoing that's not in-continuity (or is it?) where he kills your favorite character every month just to watch you cry. The Mad Titan watches you, children...
21.) The Fantastic Four aren't screwed-around anymore, and are shown proper respect with a writer that would surely give it to them (and really give it to 'em!): Warren Ellis.
22.) Back-up features would be mandatory in books $3.99 or more, even if they're printed on lower-quality paper to save money someway. If I'm having to charge more money, I'll include SOMETHING to compensate; four extra pages on newsprint can't be too much to ask.
23.) "Power Pack" mass-marketing children's campaign. Why isn't this happening?! Get kids reading comic books! The property is right there! Animated series, toyline, Halloween costumes, breakfast cereal, the whole nine. "Power Pack" would be the children's doorway into the Marvel Universe, starting with the Power Pack "Learn To Read" books, to the "Power Pack Team-Up" All-Ages comic where they meet other characters, which of course leads them to other books. Honestly, couldn't you see a "Lunchables Power Pack" alongside the "Power Pack Puffs" on a shelf somewhere? Come on, Marvel...
24.) Marvel MAX Presents: "The Incredible Hulk Meets The Horrible Celebrities", written by great celebrities. Tina Fey writes a Hulk/Paris Hilton encounter? Yes, please...
25.) I would lure Grant Morrison back to write "Spider-Woman", with instructions to re-confuse her origin, thus hopefully making a small portion of the internet explode. This is to make room for the new fans of COMIC BOOKS I'll be creating, not sterile instruction manuals that some rabid mouth-breathers apparently prefer. Not implying you have to love Morrison, it's more of a vague generalization...if you understand, you understand. If you think about GM writing Spider-Woman and your eyes begin to twitch, well, you're probably one of those I'm targetting...
Yeah, I particularly enjoy #20 for obvious reasons; whenever I come-up with a funny way to creep people out involving Thanos, hey, I've won the day. And on that note...
Saturday, October 3, 2009
What If...I Bought Marvel?
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